Death by Strangulation

16 Jul

There are times when I want to strangle everyone in my family.  This is one of those times.  Both my mother and sister are silently begging me to wrap my hands around their necks and squeeze until their faces turn purple.  I might go head and do it.

I’m busy and important.  I’m the type of person that makes plans way in advance.  My mother and sister both know this.  They’re both aware that if they want me for something, that they have to make plans ahead of time.  You can’t just call me on Wednesday and assume that I’m sitting around with my thumb up my ass waiting around for someone to ask me to do something for the weekend.  That just doesn’t happen.

This weekend will mark the first weekend since 3D and I started dating that I am healthy and we’re both home.  We decided last weekend that we would stay home all day on Saturday and not make plans.  Saturday night we’re having dinner over at my mom’s house with the family.  For this Sunday, he asked me out on a date.  Of course I said yes. 

Now here come my sister and my mother all pissed off because I didn’t make time to help them do stupid ass boring shit. 

Yeah, sorry, sis that I don’t want to watch the kids while you fix up house.  Not exactly my idea of a relaxing afternoon.  Oh, and hauling a dresser and a table around isn’t relaxing either.  No, I’m not doing it.  If you want some help, then ask in advance.  You know that I make plans way ahead of time, this isn’t something new.  I happen to have my own life.  I know, it’s shocking, but it’s true.  Bt dubs, your efforts to guilt me into helping you are gold. 

And thanks, mom, for trying to wedge yourself in the middle.  Not sure if you noticed this, but both my sister and I are grown up and can resolve our own problems.  When I tell you to let us work it out on our own, that means that you should quietly remove yourself from the situation-not interject more and treat me like I’m 12 years old and force me into doing something that I don’t want to do.  Butt out. 

I know exactly what’s going to happen.  Exactly.  On Saturday night my mom is going to lecture me in front of 3D.  She’ll do this on purpose to try to make me feel small, and to try to get him to pressure me into helping my sister.  I will seriously beat her with her own shoe.  My other guess is that my sister will be Bitter Betty from here until then.

God how I “love” family sometimes.

Update: As an added bonus, my mom just called me at work to lecture me on how I treat my sister.  Really?  I decided to be really mature about it and hung up on her.

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24 Responses to “Death by Strangulation”

  1. Hookdntx July 16, 2008 at 10:53 am #

    You are not alone with the parental intervention….

    She’s a mom. That’s what they do: butt in. -CS

  2. Gunn Lino July 16, 2008 at 11:13 am #

    Why is it, that about the time you just get your personal / social / sex / relationship / health life seemingly together, others seem to subconsciously know, arrive with a big wooden spoon and try to stir shit up?
    It’s in the DNA, and it applies to guys also. I’m confused.

    Me not know. My mother loves to get in the middle of everything all the freaking time. -CS

  3. Cinnkitty July 16, 2008 at 11:41 am #

    see… there are definite BONUSES from not having any family. Well… I guess I have Ranger’s family now, but still.. that’s different. ha..ha.ha…

    Being an orphan finally shows some benefits!

    Ranger’s family is your family now. 🙂

    It really does.

    Awhile 3D asked me if I’d ever be willing to move away and I told him it would be really hard for me to go. Then on days like this I’m ready to pack up the house and just freaking go. -CS

  4. Dora July 16, 2008 at 12:13 pm #

    Are you SURE you are not talking about my family…its eerilly similar! Except the part about the sister….just change to brother.
    Is there some sort of “Mom ” mold I don’t know about? I have 2 teenage boys. I don’t do this to them. OMG! Maybe I do and I haven’t noticed…..AGH!!

    Next time you talk to your boys you think to yourself, “Would Catherinette’s mom do this?” If the answer is yes, then stop talking and walk away. -CS

  5. Mike July 16, 2008 at 12:13 pm #

    Ah family. Got to hate them.

    Family, can’t live with ’em, can’t kill them without repercussions. -CS

  6. Mo July 16, 2008 at 1:04 pm #

    Sigh. I feel your pain. It’s so rare to have a day, never mind a whole weekend, to do nothing. I feel myself negotiating for an hour here or a half day there and it frustrates me to no end.

    Having said that, I’m almost 39 and my parents are in their late 70s and I’m sure there will come a day when I wish my mom was around to guilt me or stir the pot.

    I just don’t understand why people can’t just accept that I’m a planner and get over it. For example, I have plans for the next 3 weekends. I can’t help it. I’m busy and important and plan ahead. -CS

  7. Del-v July 16, 2008 at 1:13 pm #

    I’ve become so immune to guilt.

    Me too. I don’t feel guilty, just pissed off. -CS

  8. Desiree July 16, 2008 at 1:30 pm #

    Wow. No wonder you drink.

    Seriously. Where the heck is my cocktail? -CS

  9. Amadeo July 16, 2008 at 2:57 pm #

    Think of it this way…at least you aren’t a guy. Then they would call you everytime someone has something heavy that needs to be picked up and moved.

    “Oh no…I was hoping to do enough manual labor on my freetime to wear down my back, despite the fact that I work an office job. I had to end up a bent over old man some how.”

    Know what? They’re calling for that now because 3D has a pick up truck and they need him to haul stuff. F that. -CS

  10. Philly July 16, 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    My mom was never overbearing that way.
    But you wait missy, one day you too will be a MOM !!

    #1

    One day I will be. But I won’t act like mine. I refuse!! -CS

  11. Jinksy July 16, 2008 at 5:56 pm #

    Would you prefer your sister to be Bitter Betty or Ugly Betty?

    Your choice.

    My sister is quite fashionable and is rarely bitter. She just happens to be like that right now. -CS

  12. Bob Dobalina July 16, 2008 at 6:12 pm #

    Stay strong chica!

    Allow mom’s guilt to slide off you and for god’s sake make sure ahead of time that 3D doesn’t make the mistake of agreeing with your mom at dinner in a misguided effort to stay good with her.

    I’ve made that mistake.. and ugh, what a headache. My defense of “I was just trying to be neutral” was swiftly rebutted with the correct answer of “you are MY boyfriend, idiot, not hers, leave neutrality to Switzerland”.

    Ok enough me. You go strangle.. and wear gloves, you don’t need CSI on you.

    We chatted about it last night and he said that if she tries to pull him in, he’ll tell her flat out that he’s not getting involved. He said he’s not interested in being the monkey in the middle.

    We’ll see what happens. -CS

  13. sista #2 July 16, 2008 at 8:54 pm #

    Our mom didnt do that stuff….but she had a mouth like a sailor LOL. Maybe when you mom is real old….she will not be such a budinski

    peace
    #2

    I too have a mouth like a sailor. It’s the fucking best! Would love to hear mom swearing up a storm. -CS

  14. Jezebel July 17, 2008 at 6:59 am #

    Man, how I can relate to this post! My mother and sister conspire against me all the time and even when my sister is clearly at fault for something, my mother actually takes sides, HER side, and like your mom, tries to lay the guilt on thick. I’m Jewish, so she’s pretty talented in that department, lol. I think I’d have a better relationship with my sister if she would just admit that she’s mentally unstable and would start taking medication!

    Jewish, Catholic, and Mexican mothers are all the same. Exactly the same. -CS

  15. gnugs July 17, 2008 at 8:43 am #

    I have dreams of digging a big pit outside my door (since the parents come by often enough for a restraining order) with a trap door over it. I see it’s them, and I press the red button, and down they go, only to be let out after days of darkness and nothing but soy based food products.

    You’ve got it worse than I do. My family doesn’t ever just drop by. Not ever, thankfully. -CS

  16. Queen of Planet Hotflash July 17, 2008 at 11:07 am #

    Maybe your Mom should meet my MIL check out my blog and see what a gem she is lmao 🙂

    That would be a bad idea. They might plot against us. -CS

  17. Red July 17, 2008 at 1:05 pm #

    My parents and both brothers live in FL, I’m in DC. When my brother was in MD, he always changed my oil, and now I have to rely on friends in case of emergency, but there’s a limit to how crazy they can drive you from 800+ miles away.

    I think you’re onto something here. Perhaps it’s time to move. -CS

  18. Foxy Luv July 17, 2008 at 4:15 pm #

    I swear to God! All you do for your sister and her family! For her to guilt you and expect you to drop everything is an outrage!

    Here’s what I predict 3D will do as your mom starts to lecture you in front of him; he will mentally go to a tropical island somewhere in the Pacific. You should join him there and have hot, dirty, imaginary sex in the sand.

    They can bite me. Whatever. I’m over it. Now it’s just a battle of wills to see who holds out the longest. I will win…

    Oh! I’ve always wanted to do it on the beach. -CS

  19. Cosmo July 17, 2008 at 6:05 pm #

    When your mom starts lecturing you, pull out your handy squirt bottle (the one you strategically stashed in your purse, for an occasion Just like this), squirt her & say in a very firm voice “NO”.

    I’ve never had the guts to try it on my mother, but it works with my dogs.

    LOL, good think we have a biological need to NOT kill our parents, mine might have been dead years ago.

    A HUGE congrats on the weekend, sounds like it will be great!

    That only works in person. When we’re on the phone, it won’t work. Maybe I need one of those boat horns and I can just put that up to the mouth piece and let ‘er rip.

    I’m so looking forward to sleeping in. -CS

  20. pistols at dawn July 17, 2008 at 8:24 pm #

    You need to marry your mom off.

    Are you offering? Because she’s yours for pesos. -CS

  21. Wide Lawns July 17, 2008 at 11:19 pm #

    What are we related or something? And yes, though I adore my family there are times when I have fantasies about smacking all of them in one big smack line.

    I think that’s totally natural. Isn’t that what family is all about? -CS

  22. Not Carrie Bradshaw July 18, 2008 at 1:30 am #

    Gotta love the Catholic guilt. Runs rampant in my family!

    Oh yeah. It’s a blast. -CS

  23. Bob Dobalina July 20, 2008 at 2:10 am #

    Remember, beach sex is fun, but sand is the enemy.

    I hear that sand gets up into places you didn’t even know you had. -CS

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. How to be a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious… « an unfinished person (in this unfinished universe) - May 17, 2010

    […] this one: Death by Strangulation (What would make a person want to strangle somebody? I’d like to know. Oh, that, […]

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