Archive | 11:21 pm

Don’t Get Saucy With Me, Bernaise

3 Jul

That Mel Brooks is a comic genius.  Everything he does cracks me up.  The first time I saw “High Anxiety” I was about 9 years old.  And let’s not forget “Spaceballs“.  By far, however, his best movie was “History of the World: Part 1“.  I’ve seen the movie at least a million times and could easily watch it another million times.  I swear it cracks me up every single time.

For the 7 of you that haven’t seen the movie, here’s a little clip of the late Madeline Kahn choosing her escorts for the midnight orgy.

It’s a freaking classic.

Put Me On Your “Do Not Call” List

3 Jul

For the freaking love.  Why won’t she just leave me alone sometimes?  Tonight is the first night in about 3 weeks that I am by myself.  I’m tired, my house is a freaking mess, and I have no interest in being around other people.  All I want to do is lay in my bed, watch some bad programming, and perhaps eat some junk food.  My mother has called me 6 times today, and each time I told her that I didn’t feel like talking.  3 times ago I ended the conversation with, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  How does she respond?  By calling me 2 more times to ask me stupid shit.

Let me give you the set up of today’s lame ass calls.  My mother is single.  She has been for quite sometime.  She is a good looking, smart, sophisticated woman, who could find a man if she really wanted.  For a long time, she said she did not.  Every once in awhile (about once a year), she decides that she will look for love.  And every god damned year she asks me to help with her god damned online profile.  Here’s the thing, she asks me the stupidest questions on the face of the earth.  Witness today’s exchange:

  • Me: Hello?
  • Mom: If I sign up for Voldematch.com do I have to use my email address?
  • Me: [Pissed that she’s intruding on my night of solitude and holding back from telling her to leave me the hell alone and just read the stupid instructions] Yes you do.  But the men won’t see your email address.  They’ll contact you through the site.
  • Mom: Oh.  How tall am I?
  • Me: [Really?  Really are you asking me a question you know the answer to?] 5’3″.
  • Mom: 5’5″?
  • Me: [Red in the face with rage] No. 5’3″.
  • Mom: Okay.  Thank you.  I won’t bother you again.

5 freaking minutes later.

  • Me: {Even more irritated than before.] Yes?
  • Mom: What’s my body type?  Slender, above average, curvy, a few extra pounds?
  • Me: Are you serious?
  • Mom: Yes.  What do I put?
  • Me: Slender because that’s what you are.
  • Mom: [Irritated because of my tone.]  Fine.  I’ll just do this by myself.

Wait a second.  What the hell is she getting pissed about?  I already told her that I didn’t want to talk on the phone and she thinks it’s okay to harass me with something she’s done 10,000 times and ask me stupid questions to which she knows the answer?  What’s next?  Will she call me to ask me my sister’s name?  No, wait, perhaps she’ll want to call me to let me know that today is Thursday and tomorrow is Friday.

Apparently, she took the hint.  I just called my sister to give her a little reading of this post (because we both enjoy mocking mom).  She doesn’t have time to hear it right now.  You see, she’s on the phone with my mom trying to help her with her profile.

Good luck, sis.  You’re going to freaking need it.

Okay, apparently she did not take the hint because she just called me again and asked me to help her.  I told her she’d have to wait until tomorrow.  I would take the phone off the hook, but if she tries to call me for the one billionth time tonight and I don’t answer, she’ll think I’m dead at the bottom of the stairs. 

Click here because you feel bad for me.