Someone Needs A Drink, And It Isn’t Me

19 Jun

I was 24 when I moved out of my mother’s house.  It was my first time living on my own, and I’ve been doing it ever since.  At first I was afraid that I’d be lonely and I’d miss being around other people.  That’s never been the case.  Instead I found an incredible sense of independence and pride that I was living on my own, in my own space, with my own things.  Knowing that I can do what I want when I want is refreshing.  The thought of living with another person makes my stomach hurt.

For some years, my mother has been trying to convince me that we should buy a lot of land together, and build 2 houses on the lot.  This gives me a headache.  There is no way on this earth that anyone could convince me to move that close to my mom.  I love her dearly, however, sometimes she forgets that I’m 34, and thinks I’m actually 14.  When I mention that I’m going out with friends, she wants to know who I’m going with, where we’re going, and when I’ll be home.  Sometimes she asks me to call her when I get home-which I never do.

There are times that she takes it even further.  For some reason, she can’t seem to get it into her head that when I’m at work, I may actually be working.  Yes, it’s true.  There are days when I find myself in back to back meetings and am unable to take her phone calls.  This sends her into a panic.  Inevitably I end up with 3 panicked phone calls from her, 2 from my sister saying that my mom is freaking out because she hasn’t heard from me in 3 hours, and then an email message from my brother-in-law.  That’s right, my poor brother-in-law gets drawn into the mess too.  My mom will call my sister, who then calls my brother-in-law, who then has to walk over to my building to see if my stuff is at my desk.  It’s ridiculous.  I’ve mentioned this to her a number of times, but she just can’t get it into her head.

Yesterday, she scared herself so badly that she nearly had a heart attack and died.  Since I got sick a month ago, I haven’t been leaving the house too often.  Sure I’ll venture out from time to time, but it’s not as if my social calendar has picked up.  It just so happens that yesterday was a busy day for me: I had therapy at 10, then lunch with 3D, followed by a pedicure, and some errands I had to run.  When I was through with therapy at 11:00, I had 3 voicemails on my phone.  The first one was from my mother, and from the tone of her voice, I was sure that someone had died.  The next two were from my sister warning me that my mother had gone into panic mode because she’d been trying to get in touch with me for 45 minutes and had no idea where I was.

As I was listening to the last voicemail, my phone started ringing-mom again.

  • Me: I just got out of therapy.  I’m fine.
  • Mom: [Enraged] You are so irresponsible!
  • Me: I’m fine.  I was in therapy and I didn’t know you were trying to call me.
  • Mom: [Yelling at me like I had never heard before.  Imagine yelling at your 12 year old for stealing your car keys, going joyriding in your BMW, and then holding up a liquor store.  That’s how she was yelling at me.]  I am furious with you!!  You cannot do this!  You could have died!  That catheter could have come out of your arm and you could have bled to death!  And I don’t even know this boy you are dating!!  I need to know where you are at all times!
  • Me: [Stunned silent and wondering what 3D has anything to do with this]
  • Mom: They [Neighbor Care that delivers my antibiotics] have been trying to call you to schedule a delivery and you were nowhere to be found!!
  • Me: I’m fine.  I didn’t get the messages.  FYI: I’m not 12 and I can’t imagine what on earth you think I was doing that I would have torn the entire 41 cm of the picc line out of my arm and bled to death.

This was not the appropriate response as she decided to lay me out for talking back to her.  Umm…am I 14?  Am I really?  Because that’s not what my driver’s license says.

The doctor has cleared me to go on vacation, and the iv is coming with me.  I can only imagine the joyous time that I’ll be having with her checking on me every 15 minutes.  Maybe she’ll send me to bed early, or make me sit at the table until I eat all my vegetables.

Oh!  Or maybe she’ll ground me and take away my TV a phone privileges.

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24 Responses to “Someone Needs A Drink, And It Isn’t Me”

  1. One Date Wonder June 19, 2008 at 2:38 pm #

    That sounds kind of like vacationing in hell. I think I’d tell everyone I wasn’t cleared and stay home with the peace and quiet. And the hot boy.

    Would be even better if he could actually take some more time off of work. Alas, it cannot be. -CS

  2. [Cherry] Ride June 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm #

    Jeez, BJ, I can totally relate to this, except in my case it is my dad not my mom.

    Parents. What can you do with them?

    (Aside from disown, I mean.)

    You can put them in a home and then never visit them again. -CS

  3. Mike June 19, 2008 at 2:53 pm #

    The IV is coming with you. That’s going to be a bitch getting through the metal detector at the airport. Although you might enjoy the strip search.

    Thankfully, I’m not attached to the pole, AND we’re driving so I don’t have to worry about setting anything off-aside from my mother. -CS

  4. Del-V June 19, 2008 at 3:01 pm #

    Are you sure your mom’s not Italian?

    She’s Mexican. Close enough. -CS

  5. Philly June 19, 2008 at 3:02 pm #

    Oh gad, I hope I don’t get like that!! My daughter is 20, I guess you never stop worrying about your kids.

    #1

    Just think of it this way, if you turn into my mother, your daughter will totally blog about how fussy you get. -CS

  6. Dora June 19, 2008 at 3:14 pm #

    She sounds exactly like my mother. I am 50, hold down a job, was married, had 2 kids, divorced, living on my own, paying my bills, and still she treats me like I’m 14! In her opinion, if things are not done exactly as she would do them, then I am incompetent. I have tried everything, from telling her nicely to having huge fights. And she gets really snarky if I haven’t called her at least once a day. Nothing changes, so I have given up and just try my best to keep most things away from her knowledge. I find it works for me. I feel guilty, cause I know her feelings are hurt that we are not closer, but I need to stay sane. Good luck with your mom, only you can figure out what is best for your relationship.

    I’ve come to learn that she will never change. The only thing that can change is that I don’t fall into her trap and start apologizing and giving her my itinerary for every single day. If she wants to freak out all the time, who am I to stop her? -CS

  7. Tabbie June 19, 2008 at 3:43 pm #

    My mom called me at work yesterday and we talked for a couple minutes. Then, she goes- what are you doing yacking on the phone while you’re at work!
    I was like… mother- you called me.
    And she laughed maniacally.
    Not the same at all, but it’s a mom story that proves mine is crazy too.

    Nice, really nice. -CS

  8. Leeuna June 19, 2008 at 4:14 pm #

    Awwwhh. That reminds me of my mother. She worried about us all the time. Of course we saw her every day and talked to her all the time. Still… I guess it’s just a parent thing.

    She passed away a year ago. I’d give a million dollars if I could hear her ask me if I’m okay…just once more. I miss her so much. Enjoy her love while she’s here, understand that she worries and let her know that you’re okay all the time. You won’t regret it. I promise.

    The funny thing is, we worried about her too. If we called and she didn’t answer the phone, we went into a panic. 🙂

    I’m sorry to hear about your mom passing away. That must have been very hard.

    My sister and I like to give my mom a dose of her own medicine from time to time. When we can’t get in touch with her, we each leave her about 4 messages demanding to know where she is. I think she kind of likes it. -CS

  9. pistols at dawn June 19, 2008 at 4:18 pm #

    To be fair, she’s Mexican, so she can’t imagine anyone actually working ever.

    You’re wrong, Pistols. We clean hotel rooms and work in the fields. -CS

  10. Foxy Luv June 19, 2008 at 4:52 pm #

    I feel your pain, sister. I so feel your pain.

    I think you experience greater pain than I do. -CS

  11. pamajama June 19, 2008 at 4:56 pm #

    My son would come over and strangle me if I called him that often. Granted, there have been times I’ve over-reacted, like leaving 15 phone messages when he’s not answering after a drunken overnight and I’m sure something hideous has happened. Hmm, maybe I’m more like your mom than I realized . . . especially when I think of what I would have done if my daughter was out mowing the lawn after being in the hospital. And who knows who this 3D dude is? Are you sure he didn’t purposely slip some nasty germ down your throat just to get you in a weakened state and take advantage?

    Do you need me to have him call you so you can ask him all sorts of questions and you can be more comfortable that we’re spending time together? Ask the standards: what do you do, what do your parents do, blah, etc., blah.

    You know what? He totally could have taken advantage without slipping any nasty germs down my throat. I would have gone along with it. -CS

  12. Amadeo June 19, 2008 at 5:33 pm #

    My mother isn’t bad…she will call and ask if I’m alive and give me a 5 minute spiel about how I don’t know how to call anyone (true) and should at least let people know that my heart is still beating (it is…I think).

    The good thing for me is that since she doesn’t always answer her work phone I can tell her about how her only son and only child would be dead cause his emergency contact is never at her desk

    Oh, this is a most excellent approach. Perhaps I shall begin borrowing your line… -CS

  13. Wontletlifedefineme / Marjolein June 19, 2008 at 6:02 pm #

    She really needs to calm down…

    I couldn’t imagine going back to live with my mum – even though I love her so much. It’s just that I’m too used to doing my own thing, sticking to my own rules (I moved out 6 years ago).

    I’m glad to hear you can go no your holiday – even if it’s with the IV. I hope you have lots of fun!

    She really does need to calm down. Maybe a valium, or two would help.

    Keep your fingers crossed that I don’t get any sand in the iv. -CS

  14. Wontletlifedefineme / Marjolein June 19, 2008 at 6:02 pm #

    no = on… urgh it’s late…

    I knew what you meant. -CS

  15. teri June 19, 2008 at 7:06 pm #

    you are not married yet, therefore, you are 14.

    I would have a “chat” and let her know your real age. maybe bring your birth certificate with you.

    My mom started to lighten up a tad when I hit about 32….

    it’s sad…….

    She does the same thing to my sister and she is married.

    I do like the idea of showing her my birth certificate. That’s freaking hilarious. -CS

  16. Slick June 19, 2008 at 7:33 pm #

    Well, that’s a sticky situation…

    Ask her to buy you a cell phone and provide you with a calling plan?? 🙂

    Oh God no. I don’t want her to have more access than she already does! -CS

  17. SinCity June 19, 2008 at 10:18 pm #

    Omigod. Your mother and my mother were separated at birth! My mother calls me at work – all.the.time.
    She used to call me on my cell phone and then when I wouldn’t answer, call the work line, knowing I’d have to answer.

    Since I moved and changed jobs, she doesn’t have the new work number.

    She also calls and leaves me what I like to call guilt trip messages: “Hi… it’s me. Your mother. I don’t know why you’re not answering the phone. I guess you’re busy…” (now say this as if you were Eeyore and you will sound like her…)

    I love my mother, but good lord, she can be a trip sometimes!

    I try to remind myself that she loves me and someday will not be here with me. That at least gives me a little bit of patience. Good luck!

    Oh, and yay on vacay!!!

    OMG, they totally were separated at birth. My mom does the same thing with the guilt trip, only she says, “I guess you’re too busy with your friends and don’t have time for me.” Oh, mothers. -CS

  18. Bob Dobalina June 19, 2008 at 10:57 pm #

    Sweet merciful crap. My mom will call, and worry, but she at least won’t yell at me or have others call on her behalf.

    Your mom needs a hobby. Get her on WoW or something.

    Here’s the problem with getting her into that, I’d have to explain everything 12 million times, and then she’d call me all the time with questions.

    What she needs is to find a man who will keep her entertained. -CS

  19. gnugs June 20, 2008 at 8:20 am #

    Ah, but has she ever left the following message with your boss?
    “Please tell Gnugs that her father is in the hospital, and it looks like his retina fell out, so their going to do some major surgery on his eye, but not to worry. And if she can drag herself down the whole three blocks that separate our houses, would she mind taking in the mail, feeding the cat, watering the greenhouses, and taking home the undergutchies she left drying in the basement yesterday? Did you know her washing machine broke? You know, you should really take it easy on her this week. She’s got enough on her plate as it is. Yeah that’s it. Please make sure it gets to her. Is she even there? I’ve been calling all—I mean a few times this morning, and no one’s picked up her phone. Thanks!”

    ((Shudder)) And the woman wonders why I begged to go to boarding school.

    Oh my God. How did you not weep when you found out she left that message with your boss? That is just wrong on so many levels! -CS

  20. David June 20, 2008 at 9:18 am #

    My mother is a total worrywort and, even when everything is fine, will find a reason to be concerned. She even has my neighbors thinking I’m not eating right and must be deathly ill but won’t tell her. I’m totally healthy and sadly a few pounds overweight..

    When I visit, she asks me where I’m going every time I leave a room so now my standard answer regardless of the truth is I’m going to the bath room.

    I’m 57 so look forward to your mother’s loving frenzy for the rest of her life.

    But I know it’s because she loves me and God couldn’t have given me a better mother.

    The thought of her doing this kind of thing forever frightens me. I like to think that at some point she’ll let it go. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. -CS

  21. Kate June 20, 2008 at 9:24 am #

    My mom can be like that and I’m 45… and in therapy.
    I have learned to just let it be her problem.
    I used to get all upset and react – but not anymore.

    Now her thing is – “I realized why you don’t talk to me on the phone much. It’s because you like to text and I don’t text.”

    She can’t fathom that she might be a part of the problem.

    hang in there!

    My mom is the same way, and she’s a shrink. I’m in therapy too and my doc has been so fabulous in helping to stay away from freaking out and yelling at her. -CS

  22. Amber June 20, 2008 at 11:26 am #

    LMAO! This sounds exactly like my mother. I have to let her know where we’re going and call when I’m not going to be home. I’m 22 and married! Granted we live with her to save up for a house but come on… do I really need to explain where I’m going to be when I’m going to be with my husband? Jeez… Is there a network that I can link her to for help?

    There totally should be some kind of network!! That’s a genius plan. It really is! -CS

  23. gnugs June 20, 2008 at 12:33 pm #

    Weep? No, I’m too used to it for that. Contemplate parenticide? Hells yeah.

  24. MissEtiquette June 24, 2008 at 4:39 pm #

    OMG! Clearly, our mom’s are related. This kind of behavior happens almost daily with my mother. Just constant drama and panic for no reason. I mean calling me at work, ringing my cell non-stop, having my sisters call me; it’s sheer madness. And I can only hope and pray that she will eventually get over it. But what I’ve seen here does not give me hope.

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