Archive | June, 2008

Festive Fun Times

25 Jun

Okay, people, we’re in day 5 of vacation and I have a thrilling announcement to make.  Ready for this one?  I think you should probably sit down for this one.  Go ahead, put your drink down and have a seat.

Okay.  Ready?

Tomorrow morning, 3D is flying up here and joining us for a few days.  He has officially been invited to join us on our little family vacation.  Poor bastard doesn’t know what he’s in for.  First of all he has to sleep in his own room, though he does get his choice of 3 twin sized beds.  Second, the room that he’s in is right next to the kids, meaning that he’ll be up by 5:30 every single morning.  Please to enjoy.  Finally, I’m on my period.  He will have come up all of this way and won’t be able to go anywhere near Vangalina Jolie.  Maybe if he’s really lucky I’ll get super bitchy and Simone will make a very special guest appearance.

Poor guy.  I did warn him…

Still, it’s exciting times and I can’t wait!!

Just the Tip Tuesday (06/24/08)

24 Jun

I’m on borrowed time, people.  I only have about 5 minutes worth of oxygen left in this SUV before I pass out.  Still, I didn’t want you to miss a Just the Tip Tuesday (that’s how dedicated I am to you).

People, Rodrigo Santoro is hot.


Mama likey.  You may recognize him from “Charlie’s Angels”, “Love Actually”, and/or “300”.  I would like to strip him naked and lick him.

That is all.  You complete me.

Protected: Why-fi?

23 Jun

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Medicate This

20 Jun

Today’s the day.  I’ve been waiting almost 4 months for this day to come and I’m ready to freaking go.  It’s vacation day!!  I barely slept last night, managed to pack in about 15 minutes and am totally ready to roll out the door.

I’m packed, the house is clean, the bed is made, and I can’t freaking leave.  Neighbor Care is supposed to be delivering the final dosages of my iv antibiotics any second now.  Yesterday they gave me a window of 9:00-12:00, and I’ve been sitting on my couch since 9:00 this morning.  It is almost 12:00 now and they’re still not here.  Bastards.  Every 10 minutes I happen to look out the window in hopes that I’ll see the delivery guy.  No such luck.

11:53: Is it that much to ask that they just get here early so I can pack myself in the SUV with 2 screaming children and drive for 9 hours or until someone is near death?  Come on!!  I’m freaking ready to get out of here!!  Super, guess I’ll just keep sitting on my couch staring out the window every few minutes.

11:59:  Here’s what I imagine will happen.  They will not end up delivering until about 4:00, and they will experience my wrath.  What’s more, they’ll probably also experience the wrath of my mother as she’s also ready to hit the road.  Maybe I should just call her and tell her to bitch out Neighbor Care now so they can still make their scheduled delivery time.  Is it wrong to use her powers of making others cry for evil instead of good?

12:01:  There’s a really bad new version of “Sweet Home Alabama” on the radio.  Here’s a question: why can’t people just write new songs/movies/TV programs instead of recycling old stuff?

12:05: Maybe I should eat something.  I’m so freaking hungry.  Oh, wait, there’s no food in the house and I can’t leave.  Great, maybe I’ll pass out from hunger and won’t be able to answer the door when they finally show up and then I’ll die on the floor and won’t get to go on vacation.  This is not going as well as I had hoped.

12:08: I can’t find the Neighbor Care number on the web.  Do you realize what this means?  I’m actually going to have to get up off the couch, walk 8 paces, and rifle through my bag for the number.  I barely have the energy to type this post, much less move off the couch.  Lack of sleep and food will do that to a person.

12:10: On the phone with them now.  They are officially 10 minutes late, but “should be on their way.”  That’s code for “we forgot to put your order in and are going to send someone out in the next 2 hours.”  Ergh.

12:12: Still not here.

12:15: I’m starting to get angry now, and you don’t want to see me when I’m angry.

12:16: Know what makes me even more angry?  They offered to drop the stuff off last night between 7:00 and 9:00, but I told them no.  You see, I took 3D over to my sister’s house for dinner last night.  I really wanted pizza.  I should have just stayed home and we’d be on the road by now…

12:20: F this, someone is going down (and not in a good way)!!

12:24: Okay, I give up.  I’m just going to take a nap and they can wake me up in 2 hours when they get here.  Bastards.  Thanks for ruining everything.

Click here because they should be punished for ruining everything.

Someone Needs A Drink, And It Isn’t Me

19 Jun

I was 24 when I moved out of my mother’s house.  It was my first time living on my own, and I’ve been doing it ever since.  At first I was afraid that I’d be lonely and I’d miss being around other people.  That’s never been the case.  Instead I found an incredible sense of independence and pride that I was living on my own, in my own space, with my own things.  Knowing that I can do what I want when I want is refreshing.  The thought of living with another person makes my stomach hurt.

For some years, my mother has been trying to convince me that we should buy a lot of land together, and build 2 houses on the lot.  This gives me a headache.  There is no way on this earth that anyone could convince me to move that close to my mom.  I love her dearly, however, sometimes she forgets that I’m 34, and thinks I’m actually 14.  When I mention that I’m going out with friends, she wants to know who I’m going with, where we’re going, and when I’ll be home.  Sometimes she asks me to call her when I get home-which I never do.

There are times that she takes it even further.  For some reason, she can’t seem to get it into her head that when I’m at work, I may actually be working.  Yes, it’s true.  There are days when I find myself in back to back meetings and am unable to take her phone calls.  This sends her into a panic.  Inevitably I end up with 3 panicked phone calls from her, 2 from my sister saying that my mom is freaking out because she hasn’t heard from me in 3 hours, and then an email message from my brother-in-law.  That’s right, my poor brother-in-law gets drawn into the mess too.  My mom will call my sister, who then calls my brother-in-law, who then has to walk over to my building to see if my stuff is at my desk.  It’s ridiculous.  I’ve mentioned this to her a number of times, but she just can’t get it into her head.

Yesterday, she scared herself so badly that she nearly had a heart attack and died.  Since I got sick a month ago, I haven’t been leaving the house too often.  Sure I’ll venture out from time to time, but it’s not as if my social calendar has picked up.  It just so happens that yesterday was a busy day for me: I had therapy at 10, then lunch with 3D, followed by a pedicure, and some errands I had to run.  When I was through with therapy at 11:00, I had 3 voicemails on my phone.  The first one was from my mother, and from the tone of her voice, I was sure that someone had died.  The next two were from my sister warning me that my mother had gone into panic mode because she’d been trying to get in touch with me for 45 minutes and had no idea where I was.

As I was listening to the last voicemail, my phone started ringing-mom again.

  • Me: I just got out of therapy.  I’m fine.
  • Mom: [Enraged] You are so irresponsible!
  • Me: I’m fine.  I was in therapy and I didn’t know you were trying to call me.
  • Mom: [Yelling at me like I had never heard before.  Imagine yelling at your 12 year old for stealing your car keys, going joyriding in your BMW, and then holding up a liquor store.  That’s how she was yelling at me.]  I am furious with you!!  You cannot do this!  You could have died!  That catheter could have come out of your arm and you could have bled to death!  And I don’t even know this boy you are dating!!  I need to know where you are at all times!
  • Me: [Stunned silent and wondering what 3D has anything to do with this]
  • Mom: They [Neighbor Care that delivers my antibiotics] have been trying to call you to schedule a delivery and you were nowhere to be found!!
  • Me: I’m fine.  I didn’t get the messages.  FYI: I’m not 12 and I can’t imagine what on earth you think I was doing that I would have torn the entire 41 cm of the picc line out of my arm and bled to death.

This was not the appropriate response as she decided to lay me out for talking back to her.  Umm…am I 14?  Am I really?  Because that’s not what my driver’s license says.

The doctor has cleared me to go on vacation, and the iv is coming with me.  I can only imagine the joyous time that I’ll be having with her checking on me every 15 minutes.  Maybe she’ll send me to bed early, or make me sit at the table until I eat all my vegetables.

Oh!  Or maybe she’ll ground me and take away my TV a phone privileges.

My Dream Come True

18 Jun

I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.  3D is outside mowing my lawn with his shirt off.  Ugh, his body is so hot.  Watching him mow is like a free show.  Actually, I might have to invite my crazy neighbor and charge her to watch it.

We’re totally going to do it when he’s through.

Just The Tip Tuesday (06/17/08)

17 Jun

He is now and has always been my number one.  I don’t care that he was caught with a hooker, or that he threw beans at some reporters.  I would do him in a heartbeat.  This seems to be one that a lot of people don’t agree with-and most guys I know don’t understand why on earth I love him the way I do.  I have a picture of him at my desk at work and Lit’l Smokey gets disgusted anytime I show it to him.

We’re continuing with our foreign theme.  Last week we had a Frenchie, this week it’s a Brit.  On today’s very special Brit version of Just the Tip Tuesday, I present to you my secret lover (so secret he doesn’t even know about it), Hugh Grant.

The other night I forced 3D to watch some of “Bridget Jones’ Diary” with me, just so I could drool over Hugh Grant.

You know what?  Catherinette Grant has a really nice ring to it…

My Klassy Monday

16 Jun

It’s 5:00 on a Monday afternoon, I’m sick at home and I’m watching Cathouse on HBO on Demand.  Yeah, that’s right, I’m watching adult program in the middle of the freaking day.  I’m klassy, we know this.

It’s amazing what they’ve packed into 30 minutes.  I learned about how old guys often take viagra and then can’t finish, couples that come in for sex therapy, how the girls unwind with their pool parties and hula hoops, how one of the “ladies” also does sex toy parties (this was kind of disturbing as most of the women looked like they were grandmothers and she was teaching them how to give blow jobs.  Aren’t women supposed to know how to do that at an earlier age?), and how frequently the Bunny Ranch hosts Bachelor Parties.

Let me tell you a little something.  If I ever found out that my fiance went to a brothel for his Bachelor Party, the wedding would totally be off.

Darn it, now that the show’s over, I’ll have to pick something else.  Looks like it’s Downtown Girls for me.  I always wanted to know about hookers in Honolulu.  Oh, and apparently there are tranny hookers featured as well.  Thank you, HBO for your excellent selection of programming.  Sure, you don’t have a single movie I want to watch, but you offer hours of shows about hookers and sex.