Archive | May, 2008

Appropriate Workplace Humor

23 May

There’s nothing like calling your work friends “hookers” and catching a quick feel in the hallway when no one’s looking.  We all know that Foxy is funny and that from time to time we have work conversations that are less than professional.  As a matter of fact, I’m surprised that we haven’t been sent to HR and been promptly fired. 

Today, Foxy took a different approach.  She went into our mail room to pick up her mail and was kind enough to check my box too.  [Ha ha!  I said “box”.]  Anyway, I knew she was up to something when she flashed me her devious whore smile of hers. 

Next thing I know she says to me, “Hey, I picked up your mail again.”  Then she handed me this…

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Grow Up

23 May

When did this happen?   No, I’m not referring to a herp sore or how I’ve managed to gain 40+ pounds since I graduated from college 13 years ago.  I have a hard time pinpointing the exact moment that I became an adult.

I find myself wondering about this from time to time when I’m laying (alone, oh so very alone) in my bed in the home I bought with my very own money (and the money that my mom and dad so generously gave me).  There’s a list of things that I run down when the question pops into my head.

  • I own a single family home.  Sure the yard is an absolute freaking disaster, but it’s mine and I can do whatever I want with it.  And that includes never having had the gutters cleaned since I bought the house in 2003.
  • I own a car.  Which desperately needs an oil change…and has needed one for about 6 months now.
  • I mow my own lawn.  And the water meter too.
  • I pay my bills on time (usually).  Depending on whether or not it’s going to get in my way of boozing.
  • I have a job.  Scratch that, I have a career-complete with benefits, paid vacation, business cards and a shiny title.

Yet none of these things makes me feel like a grown up.  In my mind, I’m still that insecure, teenager from high school.  The one that was too shy to talk to boys, and would turn bright red if the teacher ever called on my in class.  The girl that would watch from the sidelines as her crush flirted with another girl.

We all have our moments of immaturity, I probably have more than most people, but the fact is that I am an adult.  The realization hit me this morning when I was reminding myself to run an errand at lunch time.  This is the ultimate errand in adulthood-nothing beats this.  Nothing.

I’m going out to buy a 12 pack of beer and condoms.

I’m so boss it freaking hurts me.  Maybe I’ll pick up a copy of the Economist and yell at some kids to get their asses in school. I’m totally grown up.  Either that or I really am in high school and I’m borrowing my older sister’s fake ID so I can score some Milwaukee’s Best.

Hey, Girls, Hey

22 May

Dear Newmie and One Date Wonder,

I’m finally free from the confines of my meeting and am ready to put together a proposal for our new delivery service called “Peenies-R-Us”.  Just before sitting down to do that I was going through my blog stats and realized something.  I believe there are several readers that are looking for you based on the search terms that I’m seeing:

  1. cameltoe sightings
  2. she only dates losers
  3. racks and cleavage
  4. high dollar bus stop skank

Just thought you’d want to know.  How they found their way here, I cannot say.  Clearly there’s some sort of strange glitch in wordpress today.

Today’s News

22 May

People, I have some good news and some very bad news for you today.  Which do you want first?

The bad news: 

I’m going to be trapped in meetings all the live long day.  That means you don’t get any super funny posts.  I’m sorry, but sometimes I have to do my job.  It can’t be about you all the time.  Really, stop being so freaking selfish!  It’s not like I get paid to sit around here and post all day long…even though I manage to find a way to do it.

Yeah, it’s true.  I went out and got all boozy suzy last night.  One drink turned into 3 cocktails, a shot, and a beer.  I have excellent judgement.  I really do.  And you know what we saw out last night?  Strippers.  There’ were actually strippers hanging out at the same bar that we were in.  They did not belong there.

The good news:

3D and I were emailing yesterday, like we have been most days since our fiery hot date on Sunday.  Yesterday, he sent me a picture (long story), and it just so happens that he is not wearing a shirt.  Holy Mary mother of the sinful things I’d like to do with him.  He is freaking cut.  CUT!!  You know how freaking long it’s been since I’ve seen a naked man that looked like that?  Not since…ever.  Not ever.  I’m pretty sure of it.

Additionally, I’m both smart and clever, and now an award winning blogger.  Well, actually a prize winning blogger.  I entered a little contest at Holiday Golightly and though I didn’t walk away with first prize, I did get a $50 gift certifcate.  Yeah, this totally doesn’t effect any of you but it makes me feel magical and special.

Exciting News

21 May

People!  I have an exciting announcement to make.  This is exciting stuff. 

Some of you will be thrilled, others will be insanely jealous, and some of you may not care (but it’s only because you’re new here and may not know better).

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21 May

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Graduation Day

21 May

I can tell you exactly where I was, what I wore (white pique sleeveless dress with black piping, and black sued pumps-don’t ask), and who I slept with 13 years ago today.  At this very moment, I was sitting in the Dining Hall with my family and friends celebrating my college graduation.  As a matter of fact, I believe I was on my 7th 8oz glass of lemonade.  Thank you, Alma Mater, for only offering small glasses for our drinking pleasure.

Let me tell you 4 college kids that read this blog something important: commencement is not what it’s cracked up to me.  It was so hot out that day and we had all had about 3 hours of sleep the night before.  Here’s the thing: no one bothers to mention that sitting outside with a terrible hangover on a hot day in a black freaking robe is the epitome of “miserable times”.

So you listen to me, college kids, and you listen carefully.  You need to smuggle in some stuff.  Are you taking notes?  Damn it!  Then grab a piece of paper and your #2 pencils.  We’ll wait for you while you go get that stuff.

[insert elevator music here]

Okay, now that you’re ready, here’s your list of commencement essentials:

  1. Sunglasses.  The sunlight will make your hungover, bloodshot eyes bleed if you don’t have these.
  2. Bottled Water.  The last thing you want to do is pass out on stage when they’re handing you your diploma. Granted, this would never have happened to me because there were 1400 of us and they didn’t give us this treatment.  I could, however, could have used some water because I was hot.  And parched.  And very hungover.
  3. A fan.  Did I mention how hot it is out there?

Oh, and let me tell you how awesome it is listening to people drone on and on about the future and blah, blah, blah.  It’s hard to listen to that boring ass crap motivational stuff when you are hot.  And parched.  And very hungover.  Here’s what you can do instead of trying not to die.  The second your friend falls asleep in the heat, nudge them awake and remind them how very “important” this moment is and that you don’t want them to miss anything.  Then totally ignore the angry glare they fire in your direction.

One of the best parts of graduation, aside from waking up at 7:00 AM, standing around in the parking lot for 4 hours waiting for the ceremony to begin, and trying not to die of heatstroke, was the big fat nap I took later in the day.  Nothing like a nap to celebrate your achievements.  Later that night I would end up at Plum’s one last time.

And after that I’d find myself in the arms of the Firefighter.

Dear College, I freaking miss you.