Graduation Day

21 May

I can tell you exactly where I was, what I wore (white pique sleeveless dress with black piping, and black sued pumps-don’t ask), and who I slept with 13 years ago today.  At this very moment, I was sitting in the Dining Hall with my family and friends celebrating my college graduation.  As a matter of fact, I believe I was on my 7th 8oz glass of lemonade.  Thank you, Alma Mater, for only offering small glasses for our drinking pleasure.

Let me tell you 4 college kids that read this blog something important: commencement is not what it’s cracked up to me.  It was so hot out that day and we had all had about 3 hours of sleep the night before.  Here’s the thing: no one bothers to mention that sitting outside with a terrible hangover on a hot day in a black freaking robe is the epitome of “miserable times”.

So you listen to me, college kids, and you listen carefully.  You need to smuggle in some stuff.  Are you taking notes?  Damn it!  Then grab a piece of paper and your #2 pencils.  We’ll wait for you while you go get that stuff.

[insert elevator music here]

Okay, now that you’re ready, here’s your list of commencement essentials:

  1. Sunglasses.  The sunlight will make your hungover, bloodshot eyes bleed if you don’t have these.
  2. Bottled Water.  The last thing you want to do is pass out on stage when they’re handing you your diploma. Granted, this would never have happened to me because there were 1400 of us and they didn’t give us this treatment.  I could, however, could have used some water because I was hot.  And parched.  And very hungover.
  3. A fan.  Did I mention how hot it is out there?

Oh, and let me tell you how awesome it is listening to people drone on and on about the future and blah, blah, blah.  It’s hard to listen to that boring ass crap motivational stuff when you are hot.  And parched.  And very hungover.  Here’s what you can do instead of trying not to die.  The second your friend falls asleep in the heat, nudge them awake and remind them how very “important” this moment is and that you don’t want them to miss anything.  Then totally ignore the angry glare they fire in your direction.

One of the best parts of graduation, aside from waking up at 7:00 AM, standing around in the parking lot for 4 hours waiting for the ceremony to begin, and trying not to die of heatstroke, was the big fat nap I took later in the day.  Nothing like a nap to celebrate your achievements.  Later that night I would end up at Plum’s one last time.

And after that I’d find myself in the arms of the Firefighter.

Dear College, I freaking miss you.

7 Responses to “Graduation Day”

  1. Cosmo May 21, 2008 at 1:56 pm #

    I beat the heat by going commando (Nothing underneath the robe). Besides, you can entertain yourself during those “Modivational” moment, by flashing people.

    List addition:
    Flask full of Vodka.

    I would have hurled all over the grass if I had more liquor. Way too hot. And hungover. -CS

  2. Philly May 21, 2008 at 2:14 pm #

    By any chance did you drink the night before?

    I may have. -CS

  3. Mike May 21, 2008 at 3:07 pm #

    Did you take some drugs and are having flash backs today?

    Nope. Just nostalgic. -CS

  4. Red May 21, 2008 at 5:19 pm #

    Our commencement happened before you were even sure you’d graduate; I had my last final that afternoon. Janet Reno spoke, which was pleasant, but they did read each and every one of 1200 names and have us walk across the stage, so I distinctly remember working on a crossword puzzle my adviser had copied for me during a large chunk of the ceremony. It was a NYT Sunday puzzle. I never did finish it.

    Holy crap, that must have been a really long ass ceremony. -CS

  5. pistols at dawn May 21, 2008 at 7:21 pm #

    Man, are you old or what? They’d invented college back then? Did you learn how to attack mammoths?

    We didn’t even have mammoths in those days. It was just stars and other matter. -CS

  6. Wontletlifedefineme / Marjolein May 22, 2008 at 8:00 am #

    We’ve got a totally different type of graduation – it’s individual, in a room with the exam committee and all your friends and family or whoever you want to take along, and then you get a little speech, your degree, and it’s time to party! Takes about 15 minutes or so. 🙂

    That sounds so cool! Much better than practically dying of heat stroke. -CS

  7. Ginormous Boobs May 30, 2008 at 4:20 pm #

    Mine sucked, but at least Bill Cosby was our speaker.

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