Archive | 7:50 am

More Modern “Marvels”

16 May

It was good enough for you last year, it’s good enough for you again this year.  I even went ahead and added new stuff, just for you.

There are certain things in the modern world that leave me scratching my head. Why do these things exist? Why do they make people happy? And in some cases, why on god’s green worth would someone spend good money to buy it/them? Here’s the list:

  • Email/IM abbreviations: Every time I see “LOL” or “ROTFLMAO” it makes me want to hunt the person down and slap some sense into them. Don’t be lazy, spell it out.  But please feel free to continue to use IDK and BT dubs because those amuse me.
  • Anonymous Avatars: You know the ones, they look just like a little faceless cartoon figure of a person. If you want to remain anonymous, go to town, but at least pick a better visual representation than a gay ass cartoon with no face.
  • Boost Mobile Phones: Seriously, I do not want to hear your conversation. At what point did people become too lazy to put the phone up to their ear and speak into it? No wonder people are so freaking fat today, we’re so lazy that we can’t lift our phones just 6 inches higher and to the right. Of course we’re not going to go and lift any weights!
  • Blue Tooth: See Boost Mobile Phones.
  • Endless commercials in movie theatres: Remember back in the day (which was a Thursday, according to Dane Cook) when we could go to the movies, spend less on a ticket, and NOT have to watch commercials? Why do I have to watch 20 minutes of stupid Scion and Coke commercials after shelling out so much freaking money for the movie ticket? What have we done to deserve this?
  • Expensive concessions at theatres/sports arenas: $7 for a fucking coke? That’s a joke, right?
  • Removing your Shoes at Airport Security: The madness has to stop. To my knowledge, there was only 1 person who attempted the whole shoe bomb thing. If this was a valid concern for security, then why don’t other countries do it too?
  • American Idol & Survivor: BORING! Everything after the first season just sucks the big bad one.
  • Rachel Ray: Your show sucks and so does your publicist. She/he always makes you look like a fat little piggy. And what’s the deal with your lame ass stage? I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t impress your guests when the find out that they have to sit on the floor. That’s not cool. If I hear you yell “Yummo” one more time, I will kill you with your own shoe.
  • (New) Let’s Make A Deal: Who watches this and why?  People, this is time that you will never get back.  Not.  Ever.  Go outside, clean the house, or at least change the channel!  Save your brain cells while you still can!!  Howie Mandel was much cooler back in the day when he stuck to goofy comedy.
  • (New) Spam Text Message: I know I’m not alone on this one.  Why must “they” ruin everything with spam?  Look, I’ll admit that I eat spam, I actually likeit, but I don’t like receiving.  Especially when I might get charged for it.
  • (New) High Tech Parking Meters:  The inventor of these parking meters needs me to kick him/her right in the shins.  Remember back in the good old days when you could just park your car for free, or maybe just for $.25?  Those were good times.  Now these stupid high tech meters are everywhere and they operate 24/7.  And how freaking high tech are they when the one closest to your car is freaking broken so you have to walk a block up to pay for your little ticket, then walk back to your car to stick it in the god damned window.  Annoying.