I Can’t Believe He’s Still Single

12 May

There are countless joys to online dating.  For example, the people that don’t bother reading your profile that end up stalking you even though you have exactly nothing in common. 

Or the people that don’t bother adding pictures to their profiles because they have an extra arm and no front teeth. 

Or, my favorite, those individuals that decide that spelling and grammar are just not going to help them find their mate. 

Well, my friends, today I found the absolute worst profile.  Really, it’s a doozy.  You can, of course, guess what I have done.  That’s right, kids, I went ahead and copied the whole entire thing.  Not a single word has been changed-not one, though I did go ahead and add a comment or two (or eight):

Self Summary: I know Im not much to look at.  (Great way to start out.  I can only imagine what he may have originally started with, “Look away!  I’m hideous!”) I think of my self as an ugly duckling. Which means I am great inside. Also I am what you call Obese. (Wow, can we say TMI? Really.  What’s next?  He suffers from irritable bowel syndrome and likes to spank it to pictures of women with horses) (But I am tring to fix that) If you are looking for a man who trusting, a non mind game player (I guarantee this guy plays games, like Magic the Gathering and World of Warcraft), and a loving person than look no farther. I my have some problems but I make up with my love and fun additude. Also I would like to say that I am a very shy person when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. Once I get to know you then I can say what ever. If you are looking for someone that is true and loving then that’s me. I want someone who is true and to feel the same as I do. I have a lot of love to give. I also need someone to care enough to help me to better my self. I know I would be true, loving, respectful and helpful. I am looking for a partner in life (all of it).

What I’m Doing with My Life: Right now I just watch TV and play on my computer. (Let the good times roll!  Does this guy have a job to sustain such incredibly adventurous interests, or are mom and dad still footing the bill for all of this?)

My favorite books, movies, music and food: I really don’t read that much.. I really like Sci-fi Movies (SHOCKER!)and tv. I also like good action flicks. Music I like just about any thing. As far as food I a meat man (Special diet). Don’t get me wrong I like other food and some times cheat…. (He cheats on his diet?  How surprising!)

You’ll be both shocked and surprised that a catch such as this is quite single.  Ladies, if you’re interested let me know and I can get you his user name.  Act fact because a stud like this will be snatched up in no time at all!

I have 3 words to describe him: pale beached whale.

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16 Responses to “I Can’t Believe He’s Still Single”

  1. Meg May 12, 2008 at 10:05 pm #

    I really find your description of him offensive to whales.

    Fun post!

    You’re right. Should I have compared him to a hippo instead? -CS

  2. Newmie May 12, 2008 at 10:51 pm #

    Hmm…I would offer to take one for the team but that would be a lie. Even I would have to pass on that.:)

    You sure? Because I could totally hook him up. You guys could spend quiet evenings at home watching repeats of Star Trek while you quietly think of ways to kill yourself to end the misery cuddle. -CS

  3. Bob Dobalina May 12, 2008 at 11:53 pm #

    I’m scared that he capitalized obese. Like he is so far beyond the standard definition that he is now the platonic ideal of obesity and is now *dramatic music* Obese.

    Every time I hear about the world (ok America) getting fatter I can’t help but think “awesome, that means I’m in comparably better shape than I was last year and I didn’t even have to exercise”. I’m not proud of it but it’s true.

    God bless you Fatty McSlimJim and go ahead, cheat a little. I won’t tell.

    You know what’s funny? The guy isn’t as big as he thinks he is. He’s not like one of those guys that can’t get out of bed and lolls about in a sheet because nothing fits him. I mean, he’s big, but not THAT big.

    I’m wondering what the hell kind of “meat diet” he’s on. I wonder if it’s the same “meat diet” that those hookers down on the block or on. HEY-O! -CS

  4. Alice May 13, 2008 at 2:15 am #

    Crap! What hookup service is that? That sounds exactly like my husband.

  5. wontletlifedefineme May 13, 2008 at 2:36 am #

    Everytime I hear a guy say he wants to have a girl who will help him be a better person I get the urge to run…

    So do I-and I don’t run. -CS

  6. Philly May 13, 2008 at 6:15 am #

    Oh he sounds like he ‘s just Big Boned

    He should change his user name to “Pleasantly Plump.” -CS

  7. One Date Wonder May 13, 2008 at 7:17 am #

    I bet he has favorites too. Do you have favorites?

    Like favorite tv shows and hobbies? -CS

  8. Amadeo May 13, 2008 at 9:27 am #

    Ask if his Warcraft avatar is male or female.

    I’m afraid to make contact. -CS

  9. Scott S May 13, 2008 at 9:38 am #

    I’m sure e-Harmony could find him someone.

    Really? Because with a smoking profile like that, I have a feeling he might get rejected. -CS

  10. Del-v May 13, 2008 at 11:35 am #

    If I wasn’t actively stalking local news anchorwoman, Kate Amara, I would totally post a match.com profile.

    When you read “nice personality” it means “I’m fat.” When you read “people of the opposite sex” it means “I’m scared of women.” And when you read “I have a lot to give” it means “I have a lot of collectibles, like Star Wars action figures and comic books.” Nice! Go for it.

    Poor Kate Amara. You still have the poor woman running scared-even while she has that court order against you. -CS

  11. Red May 13, 2008 at 2:19 pm #

    Wow. I have a total anti-fat bias, I’m not meeting anyone right now, and if he doesn’t read that much, it’s a problem, but my heart really does go out to him. [I apologize for being sincere in CS’s comments section. I’ll try to step up the mockery in future.}

    I can’t believe you didn’t mock.

    Actually, it’s just as well. I’m quite certain that the whole reason that whole myspace comment got posted is because I’m a mocker. It’s karma’s way of biting my ass. -CS

  12. Desiree May 13, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    You had WAY too much fun with this one.

    Maybe just a little bit. -CS

  13. pistols at dawn May 13, 2008 at 8:43 pm #

    This is some of your best dating mockery to date. Well done, miss!

    I heart mocking. -CS

  14. Bob Dobalina May 14, 2008 at 12:10 am #

    One Date: What is that from?! I know I just read that, recently, but it’s driving me insane that I can’t recall it.

    How easily one forgets. It’s from this. You’ll need the password to read it so just email me if you don’t have it. -CS

  15. Jinksy May 14, 2008 at 12:37 am #

    I’m trying to wrap my head around the “special diet”. Did he just say he cheats on his “meat-diet”? Like he might eat a salad?

    That’s horrible.

    He might eat a salad or maybe a few servings of fruit. You know, crazy stuff that he should never eat. Like fiber. -CS

  16. Ginormous Boobs May 15, 2008 at 11:05 am #

    I’d never date if I had to weed out all the guys that played WOW.

    It’s starting to spread, kinda like their asses. -CS

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