TMI Friday

9 May

There was a period of time that I was desperate to have a baby.  I even attempted to convince Un-boyfriend to consider the possibility of the 2 of us having one together.  I’ve come to realize that I was totally mental and am now happy to lead a child-free existence.  There are 3 main reasons that I’m happy to be without babies.

  1. No interruption of my beauty sleep.  My poor sister wakes up everyday around 5:15 because Damien is an early riser-and he’s part devil.  When she tells me stories about how she had to get up 4 times to pop binkies back into mouths, it makes me want to cry fo her.  I relish being able to tell her that I’m tired because I only got 8 hours of sleep the night before. 
  2. I can do what I want whenever I want.  No worries about having to plan ahead and figure out whether/not the place I’m going to is kid friendly.  Sometimes, I want to go somewhere that the only screaming I’ll be hearing is the sound of my own voice yelling over the music to get the bartender’s attention so he’ll fill up my drink.
  3. My Vageena Davis is still small and tiny.  This is something that I hadn’t even thought about until earlier this week.  I had forgotten to bring an extra tampon to work and had to ask one of my friend’s if she had one.  She handed me the biggest tampon that I have ever seen.   When she handed it to me I just stared at her.  Then on my way to the bathroom I told her I might need a spotter to help me with the thing.  It’s like a whale! This morning I brought in my slender tampon just to do a side by side comparison. 

Perhaps one day my prince will come, we’ll knock boots, and the stork will drop the baby off on my freshly mowed front lawn.  Until then, I will bask in the glory of knowing that I still have the “fun bits” of a 22 year old who hasn’t had a baby yet.


17 Responses to “TMI Friday”

  1. Infamous JP May 9, 2008 at 11:31 am #

    ok… I just had to click on the link this time. It was way too funny not too.

    Fun bits of a 22 year old huh? I think my spank bank has now been filled with the mental image of Catherinettes bits.

    I’m not even going to ask… -CS

  2. The Guv'ner May 9, 2008 at 11:33 am #

    WHOA that’s a monster!!!! 🙂 I too use the slim or regular and that’s it. That scares me – it’s like a giant crotch manatee!

    HAHAHA VAGEENA DAVIS. I am sending YOU the bill for my dry cleaning. Coffee stains are a bitch.

    Hallelujah on the no kids thing. I am thrilled to be child free.

    Here are a few other names for you to consider for you hooha:

    Vagena Rowlands
    Vagina Madsen
    Vagina King
    Vagina Gershon

  3. Detail Medic May 9, 2008 at 12:01 pm #

    Funny…my last day of recert included emergency childbirth. There is almost nothing I avoid more than childbirth in the field! Good LORD! It’s bad enough I had to look at stretched out Vageena pictures all afternoon! You have no idea what it’s like to be on the catching end of one of those! And just ry to hold on to the leetle buggers. It’s like trying to pinch a watermelon seed.

    Kids are awesome. But I love to play with them, give them sugar, teach them dirty words and give them back to their parents. HA!

    The beauty of childbirth: something I do not want to witness up close and personal. I’m sure it’s cool to see and all, but I don’t want to be covered in that kind of stuff. -CS

  4. Angela May 9, 2008 at 12:20 pm #

    So you don’t want to deal with projectile vomit from a 5 month old all over you, your couch, the end table, and rug? That’s doesn’t sound like fun? Well, welcome to my life!

    Lucky you!! I’ll totally pass. I’ve been covered in baby puke a number of times. My niece even felt the need to poop on me once or twice. Yuck. -CS

  5. Rambler May 9, 2008 at 12:32 pm #

    “freshly mowed front lawn.”? 🙂

    May chance and perhaps. -CS

  6. courtney May 9, 2008 at 12:39 pm #

    once, my boss (who is the same age as i) gave me a tampon when i needed one sorta unexpectedly. and she gave me a mammoth one too. i just looked at it, and thought, “dear god” it was terrible.

    i can’t even imagine. actually it sorta makes me not want to have kids. i mean, the baby stretching out your nether regions a little it one thing…but to need a 4×6 to stop aunt flow…gimme a break.

    4×6!! BWAHAHAHA! -CS

  7. Amadeo May 9, 2008 at 12:45 pm #

    that tidbit of information about Ms. Davis just made a bunch of guys day.

    But I posted pictures of tampons. Doesn’t that totally cancel out the “hot” factor? -CS

  8. Infamous JP May 9, 2008 at 1:47 pm #

    CS, know that you are using the small one is what made the guys day. We all know women need to use such products from time to time, but knowing that your Vageena Davis is tiny, and tight and……. sh*t I just drooled on my desk again!

    Take a deep breath and calm the hell down. Really, calm down. -CS

  9. Mike May 9, 2008 at 2:03 pm #

    Teach her some keigel exercises. I once was with a woman, no joke. I really wanted to say, “am I in” because I couldn’t feel a wall.

    The old hotdog in a hallway. Sad state of affairs. -CS

  10. Philly May 9, 2008 at 2:06 pm #

    Shit, I need 2 of them big boys!!!

    Now that’s bad! -CS

  11. Lola Magnolia May 9, 2008 at 3:53 pm #

    Yeah well, you should feel more sorry for ME because I get up at 5am every morning. Actually, I usually get up much earlier than that because I sleep like crap and have since I was a young child.

    And I know this is gonna’ be a little TMI, but when I had my son, my first born, I had to switch to super plus tampons for awhile because his head was so damn big, he stretched me rather wide. Luckily though, I’m back to the small ones like you. Yay me! 😉

    Good God that sounds awful. TERRIBLE!

    Glad to hear that you snapped back. -CS

  12. pistols at dawn May 9, 2008 at 7:31 pm #

    You know what ensures you’ll never get laid again? A kid always being around. From what I hear from my male friends, oral ends with marriage, sex ends with kids.

    And I say boo to both of those things.

    It’s kind of like a catch 22: you need sex to have a kid, and then the kid kills all chances of more sex. Well, it’s as if I already have a kid because I’m not having any sex. Maybe next year I’ll start claiming a dependent when I file my taxes. -CS

  13. Philly May 9, 2008 at 9:11 pm #

    oh oh ,,, i have a blog now,,,please everyone visit

    Is there porn on it? Shots of peen? Because if not, I’m not interested. -CS

  14. pamajama May 10, 2008 at 2:28 pm #

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Seriously a fantastic entry!

    I am now certain that I have an excellent sense of humor because if I didn’t there’s no way I’d be giggling after having a 9 pounder and then a 10 pound 11 oz. infant. Vaginally. It’s actually probably worse than you can even imagine, considering the tearing and blood transfusion because of the R-I-P that occurred! I am laughing out loud at how disgusting this will be for readers!

    And Pistols at Dawn has been completely misinformed by his male friends, about both issues.

    Good lord, woman! How do you walk around without your insides falling out?? -CS

  15. Cosmo May 12, 2008 at 10:55 am #

    “giant crotch manatee” FUNNY STUFF!!!

    4th Reason to NOT have a baby:
    After a friday night of Martinis & Mustang Shenanigans, there is NO sleeping in on Saturday. Can you imagine giving a bottle to screaming baby while trying not to concentrate too hard on the fact that the room is spinning and your head feels like an overripe watermelon ready to split?

    I don’t need to hear any other cries except for my own if I have the cocktail flu. -CS

  16. Ginormous Boobs May 20, 2008 at 8:19 pm #

    I am scared of the cavernous vagina that needs that big ass tampon.

    It’s quite possible that it might come after you… -CS

  17. jess May 29, 2008 at 10:09 am #

    OMG, how did you keep a straight face. I would of laughed at her and asked her, You want me to do what, with that!

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