I’m on the phone with Foxy right now, and was just bitching about telling her how long it’s been since the last time I saw a peen and how I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I saw one.  She said,

You put it under your pillow, and the tooth fairy brings you a quarter and that’s where babies come from.

You know the sad part?  It really has been so long that I saw one up close and personal that I probably would place it under the pillow and then check under it the next morning for the quarter.

TMI Friday

There was a period of time that I was desperate to have a baby.  I even attempted to convince Un-boyfriend to consider the possibility of the 2 of us having one together.  I’ve come to realize that I was totally mental and am now happy to lead a child-free existence.  There are 3 main reasons that I’m happy to be without babies.

1. No interruption of my beauty sleep.  My poor sister wakes up everyday around 5:15 because Damien is an early riser-and he’s part devil.  When she tells me stories about how she had to get up 4 times to pop binkies back into mouths, it makes me want to cry fo her.  I relish being able to tell her that I’m tired because I only got 8 hours of sleep the night before. 
2. I can do what I want whenever I want.  No worries about having to plan ahead and figure out whether/not the place I’m going to is kid friendly.  Sometimes, I want to go somewhere that the only screaming I’ll be hearing is the sound of my own voice yelling over the music to get the bartender’s attention so he’ll fill up my drink.
3. My Vageena Davis is still small and tiny.  This is something that I hadn’t even thought about until earlier this week.  I had forgotten to bring an extra tampon to work and had to ask one of my friend’s if she had one.  She handed me the biggest tampon that I have ever seen.   When she handed it to me I just stared at her.  Then on my way to the bathroom I told her I might need a spotter to help me with the thing.  It’s like a whale! This morning I brought in my slender tampon just to do a side by side comparison. 

Perhaps one day my prince will come, we’ll knock boots, and the stork will drop the baby off on my freshly mowed front lawn.  Until then, I will bask in the glory of knowing that I still have the “fun bits” of a 22 year old who hasn’t had a baby yet.

An Open Letter

Dear One Date Wonder,

I’m very much looking forward to cashing in on that bet that you lost.  Mmm…there’s nothing like the taste of free booze and gloating about being right.

Your friend who won the bet,

Catherinette