Ah, The Joys of Womanhood

7 May

The wonderful monthly reminder that my womb is barren because I haven’t gotten laid in forever and a day. 

There are 3 things that I’d like to do right about now.

  1. Hurl
  2. Crawl into bed
  3. Die

Though not necessarily in that order. 

I have the world’s worst cramps right now.  The super part is that in addition to being in an exorbitant amount of pain, I can barely keep my eyes open.  There are some lucky women out there that have never experienced the incredible discomfort and doubling-over pain of cramps.  To those women I say, “I hate you, bitches.”

How does one even describe the pain of cramps?  I’ll give it my best shot.  Having cramps feels like you’re being kicked in the stomach while you’re nauseated, only the kicking is coming from the inside of your body.  Imagine having your stomach twisted in knots and then it being stomped on.  Repeatedly.  After that’s all over and done with, you get one last kick-for good measure.

The pain is so bad that it’s making me want to throw up all over me keyboard right now.  Right now.  Any second.  Right now.

Ugh.  The pain.

17 Responses to “Ah, The Joys of Womanhood”

  1. prunella jones May 7, 2008 at 10:55 am #

    I hear you, sister. I take Vicodin for cramps.

    Hey, I want some! -CS

  2. Mike May 7, 2008 at 11:03 am #

    Going for the sympathy vote I see..

    Well, I am a sneaky devil whore, this is what we do. -CS

  3. Newmie May 7, 2008 at 11:16 am #

    Using your cramps to earn sympathy votes? Fucking brilliant.

    What do you think I can get for using my whole “I had ankle surgery, got blood clots and now I take blood thinners like all of the other elderly women in the U.S.” excuse?

    Totally do it. Tell “New Guy” and make him give you booze. -CS

  4. Jenna May 7, 2008 at 11:41 am #

    I usually make vise related analogies when I’m trying to describe the pain. Or it’s like your vagina is trying to escape, using any means necessary to kick and claw it’s way out of your abdomen. I generally keep a steady stream of Aleve in my system for a three day stretch.

    You have my sympathies, lady. I hope it subsides soon.

    It’s good, only the pain isn’t in my Vegena Davis. It’s nowhere near there. -CS

  5. Gnugs May 7, 2008 at 12:21 pm #

    Percs and Heating pads. the best ones are those clay things that go in the microwave. That way, when you’re waisted, you feel all warm and comfy. 🙂

    I heart percs. -CS

  6. Mister Underhill May 7, 2008 at 12:35 pm #

    I wonder if all my blog hos will eventually start to cycle at the same time.

    We totally are on the same cycle. I thought you knew that. -CS

  7. Red May 7, 2008 at 1:10 pm #

    I’ve had the debilitating, so bad I’ve actually thrown up cramps. The pill is a beautiful thing for people like us, but I would guess you’ve already tried it and rejected it for some reason.

    I should just go back on it. I’ve been off of it for about 6 years and have just been lazy about going back on. -CS

  8. Desiree May 7, 2008 at 1:22 pm #

    Makes me wanna puke for ya. Yikes.

    That means a lot to me. 🙂 -CS

  9. Payne by name May 7, 2008 at 2:18 pm #

    Sorry to hear you are feeling rough. This might make you smile as laughter is such good medicine!

    Richard Jeni talking about the combination of red wine and PMS. His description of period pain at 0:43 is particularly funny.

    Where have you been?? I thought you had dropped off the face of the earth! -CS

  10. Payne by name May 7, 2008 at 3:11 pm #

    I’m here but I had a couple of days off work and then we had a public holiday. Thanks though, it’s nice to be missed.

    I had hoped that the wealth of fascinating, revealing and downright hilarious content on my site would have kept you entertained in my absence.

    Did you like Richard Jeni? I’ve queued up some other clips for the next time you are feeling a little low.

    No! It’s not enough to keep me entertained. Welcome back!

    I always liked his stuff. I was sad to hear that you decided life was so horrible that he killed himself. That’s bad. -CS

  11. Amadeo May 7, 2008 at 3:46 pm #

    Um….have booze?

    Had I not been at work, I would have. As a matter of fact, I’m about to go downstairs and pour myself a glass of something. -CS

  12. Ginormous Boobs May 7, 2008 at 4:44 pm #

    Perfect excuse to eat cupcakes, my friend.

    And a pint of ice cream. -CS

  13. pistols at dawn May 7, 2008 at 5:31 pm #

    Here’s how non-empathetic I am: I read about your pain, saw the “I might throw up all over me keyboard” and laughed about you saying “me” instead of “my” like a pirate. “Arrr, me unfertilized ova are walkin’ the plank, yar.”

    It was really hard typing that while I was wearing an eye patch and my hook hand ketp hitting the wrong keys. -CS

  14. Nice description! I’ve got about 3 days to go until I’m right there with ya. Oh, joy.

    In 3 days it’ll all be over for me.

    Okay, I’m off to go get a glass of booze and then take a nap. -CS

  15. Payne by name May 8, 2008 at 4:09 am #

    In reality it’s probably too much to keep you entertained.

    I agree about it being a shame. I like observational humour comedians and I guess my fave was Dave Allen but you might not have heard of him.

    Dave Allen is very funny. I’m a fan! -CS

  16. Lady Jaye May 8, 2008 at 8:47 am #

    Ugh. I’m so totally having sympathy cramps now.

    You totally should. I had advil for breakfast this morning. -CS

  17. Infamous JP May 8, 2008 at 9:28 am #

    I think I am having sympathy cramps too….. Hold on….. Nope it was just gas. Never mind.

    You’re so compassionate I can barely stand it. -CS

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