I Need a Witness!

19 Apr

There are Jehovah’s witnesses knocking on my door right now.  I happened to peek out my window about 2 minutes before they knocked.  I saw a bible.  I knew they were coming for me.  I’m not going down there right now, the whole thought of having to deal with their questions bores me to tears.  Plus I’m not wearing any pants.  If only I had the courage to walk down there and open the door in just my shirt on.  And then we could have this conversation:

  • Me: Good morning.  Can I help you?
  • Them: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?
  • Me: Have I done what?  Look, you’re not trying to sell me something, are you?  Because I’m not buying.
  • Them: No, we’re not selling anything.  We’re giving away the message of Jesus Christ and his all embracing love and power.
  • Me: Jesus who?  Wait.  Are you guys here for some political campaign?  Because I have already told you people that I’m not endorsing your candidate.
  • Them: No, were’ here about Jesus.
  • Me: Cheezits?  I don’t have any cheezits. 
  • Them: Not cheezits, Jesus.  You know, from the Good Book [showing bible]?
  • Me: I already have one of those.  I never use it.  It’s so much easier to just find telephone numbers on line now.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to go put some pants on. 

17 Responses to “I Need a Witness!”

  1. Ginormous Boobs April 19, 2008 at 9:49 pm #

    You know, it’s totally my fantasy to corrupt a Mormon missionary. But the JW’s might work too.

    Do it up and let me know how it goes for you. Usually it’s a woman that comes knocking on my door. No peen, no corruption for me. -CS

  2. skylersdad April 19, 2008 at 10:14 pm #

    I always ask them if they would like to come in and sit in my pentagram, they tend to just back away slowly after that…

    Do you offer to light black candles too? -CS

  3. Jenny April 19, 2008 at 11:42 pm #


    I once gave them heck for ringing my doorbell and waking up my baby. NEVER wake up a sleep deprived mother’s baby. They don’t come to my house anymore … they just drive by and point.

    Dirty bastards! -CS

  4. thenextfish April 20, 2008 at 1:52 am #

    I use the simple, straight-forward “I am an atheist” line and they never, ever mess with me. I’m a scary woman evidently.

    Hmm…maybe I’ll try that if I ever decide to open my door. -CS

  5. Grant Miller, Esq. April 20, 2008 at 2:22 am #

    God bless!

    And bless you, brother. -CS

  6. Mike April 20, 2008 at 3:24 am #

    They have baby Jesus buttplugs. You could show them that in how you’ve let God into.

    That would require going out to buy one. Maybe I can just make my own? -CS

  7. Foxy Luv April 20, 2008 at 3:44 am #

    Oh – you are so going to burn. But not as bad as you would if they had been Mormons – they are the chosen people. Well, except for the ones who have a bunch of wives and like to impregnate underage girls. I was raised Catholic and that whole sex with underage girls is totally out…unless you are a priest. Then it is totally ok – you get a total pass from the damnation if you do a priest.

    I won’t be the only one burning. I have plenty of friend that will be joining me in the depths of the fiery pit of hell. -CS

  8. Lauren April 20, 2008 at 5:51 am #

    Ok, so we are on the edge of our seats waiting to hear how the friday night date wth MatchMan went and you are here talking about Jehovah’s witnesses???

    Um,…. What???

    Details woman!! Spill it!

    🙂 -CS

  9. Suze April 20, 2008 at 6:50 am #

    I had a group of three of them knock on my door today. Not once, not twice, but three times. Geez, could they not see through the curtains that I was sitting on the couch ignoring them? Also, I’ve seen the Mormon boys on their bikes in the neighborhood. Geez, it must be spring already.

    Sheesh, you’d think they’d know better than to keep doing that. Though maybe it’s their way of trying to wear you down. -CS

  10. [Cherry] Ride April 20, 2008 at 7:59 am #

    Wow, I am surprised you’d even give them a “Good morning” greeting!

    As opposed to what? Just opening the door and giving them the finger? -CS

  11. Lindsey April 21, 2008 at 4:54 am #

    I’m with Lauren — where’s the Friday night date report? I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you’re writing it up now in lots of detail and the whole JW story (although hilarious) was simply to keep us occupied…

    I’m working on it! It’ll get posted at some point…this week. I swear. -CS

  12. gnugs April 21, 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    I have one of those engraved door knockers that has my last name on it. But under that is a little label tape that says, “unapologetically, and violently, Catholic”

    That’s smart. Maybe I should do that. -CS

  13. bruce April 21, 2008 at 10:44 pm #

    I note that this is allegedly a humor blog? I see nothing funny about the attitude the blogger has about Jesus Christ, nor their inability to have an intelligent conversation about the Bible, nor their apathy and disdain to be polite. gnugs claims to be violently catholic? is that like the way the Universal church treated the waldenses and other they burned at the stake? I hope not–most communities have burning bans these days. Anyone has the right to let a phone ring or doorbell go unanswered.. so why all the angst? BTS

    I thought about what to do with this comment. My first reaction was to just delete it, since it is my blog. Then I thought about putting you on all sorts of mailing lists-I resisted.

    I’m not offended, but I do have a question: if you don’t like it, why not just move on and go find something you do like. What do you get out of posting a comment on a site you don’t care for? What’s the point? -CS

  14. Shieldmaiden96 April 22, 2008 at 12:58 am #

    We flop on the couch like someone started shooting at us and hide until they go away. Immature? Perhaps. But sometimes, during the RARE times I am home just hanging out, I find myself not wanting to engage strangers unannounced and uninvited.

    I’m wondering what kind of success rate they have with going door to door? -CS

  15. pistols at dawn April 22, 2008 at 8:51 pm #

    I think any religion that has to have its believers go door to door to drum up support for its god has a weak, namby-pamby god, and they should switch religions. Really, if the deity is all-powerful, it doesn’t need some unemployed folks with GEDs wandering the streets to spread the word.

    This is an excellent point! You should ask them that the next time they knock on your door. -CS

  16. Amadeo April 23, 2008 at 4:13 am #

    Oh, that’s it get you a Mormon…they ride bikes so they probably have stamina.

    They’d certainly need it being married to so many wives. -CS

  17. bruce April 23, 2008 at 8:55 am #

    Sorry if my comments bothered you–i assumed i had the right to make an observation about your blog, and i apologize if I was too blunt, but i thought the blog allowed for some wry humor and perhaps a Bible citation or two? Acts 20:20 seems to allow for visits to homes ,as well as public ministry. Just as i said before, a ringing phone or doorbell are not impossible to ignore. Ask any night worker. BTS

    I appreciate that you came back and responded. -CS

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