Archive | 6:09 pm
18 Apr

My grandmother was a tiny woman with soft wrinkled hands, and eyes that would sparkle when she laughed.  She was a quiet woman that was more interested in observing than being the center of attention.

She grew up in a small town in Mexico and married when she was 16.  Two weeks after her marriage, her mother went to her and told her that the marriage had all been a lie.  Her “husband” was married to another woman and the “priest” that had conducted the ceremony, wasn’t really a priest.  He was just the friend of the “husband”.  My grandmother left him.  She was already pregnant with her first child.

My grandmother remarried, and my mother was born.  They split up, and my grandmother ended up raising the kids.  She ran a boarding house and spent much of the day cleaning (go figure, a Mexican cleaning).  She was a strict mother.  When my mother and uncle were making too much noise, she would go to them and tell them that she was going to throw herself down the stairs if they didn’t stop the racket.  When my mom told me that story I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.  Who says that??  I’ve since adopted it as my own-though I my usage of the phrase is not intended to be harsh like hers was.

She was a devout Catholic and there was a time when she went to church everyday.  Growing up, my sister and I would tease her about it.  My sister could always rile her up by asking her how she knew that God wasn’t a woman.  It was amusing to us.

She lived in Mexico, but spent much of the year with us here in the states.  The last time she visited us, she brought me all her pictures.  She said that she wasn’t going to need them anymore, and I remember I told her not to say those things.  She passed away a few months later.

When my cousins went to clean out her house in Mexico, they said there was nothing left, not a single scrap of paper.  She had packed up everything and brought it with her.  She knew it was her time.  She chose to be with us.  She came here to die.

It was 7 years ago today.

Protected: I’ve Got It Bad

18 Apr

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“That Girl” is Back

18 Apr

You know that girl that is totally insecure and does stupid things and things stupid thoughts?  Well, she’s taken over me.  Tomorrow I’m supposed to go out with one of the guys from  It’s already destined to be a bad date as the front lawn is mowed, the house will be clean, and my legs will be shaved.  Assuming you’re up to speed on the science of hooking up, you’ll know that I just named 3 of the 7 factors that tip the scales in one’s favor.

So get this: he’s supposed to call me to “confirm” the plans.  Yeah, it’s almost 8:00 on the night before our supposed date and I’ve heard nothing.  Not one word.  My guess: his name will be changed to Mr. Stood My Ass Up.

Oh well, at least the house is clean and the lawn looks decent.

And just as I’m about to publish the post, the phone rings.

I Missed My Calling

18 Apr

Math was not my favorite subject in school.  The second that a word problem was presented to me, I could feel the sweat begin to take over my upper lip.  Yesterday it occurred to me that the reason people hate word problems is because they are totally irrelevant to everyday life.  Who the hell cares how long it’s going to take a train to get to the station.  The only thing people want to know is what time the train is leaving and when it’s going to arrive.  They also want to know where to get their refund if it’s delayed because they happen to be on Train B which is traveling 20 miles slower than Train A.  How come the station agent forgot to mention that they should totally get on Train A if they were interested in getting to their destination on time?? 

Then it struck me!  I came up with an idea for getting kids interested in school: use word problems about bad decisions.  They’ll pay attention and they may learn something for future use.  Witness my genius: 

Example #1:  If it takes a 200 pound man 12 oz of hard liquor and 3 Irish Car Bombs to make 1 bad decision and test positive for the clap, how much will it take a man weighing 170 pounds?

Example #2: A 125 pound woman gets pregnant after 2 dates with a man driving a Yellow(ish) Mustang and consuming 3 Blue Moons.  How many Blue Moons will it take for a 140 pound woman to meet with the same fate after the same amount of dates?

That certainly would have made me sit up and pay attention.  My freaking tutor would have totally gotten his money’s worth.