I’ll Give You Something to Cry About

13 Apr

I survived the encounter with the deadly wasp last night.  After writing the post, I got up very slowly, and took a peek in the mirror.  No wasp, it has flown away before starting a hive in my hair.  Lord only knows what happened to it.  As I’m sure you can imagine, I had trouble going to sleep for fear that the wasp might come back and attack me when I was most vulnerable.  Now I’m in need of a nap.

So here I am in my bed, all ready to drift off to sleep.  The windows are open and there’s a nice spring breeze making the curtains billow.  Just as my eyes are closing and I’m about to fall asleep I begin hearing a noise.  Not a lovely bird singing one of it’s melodic little spring songs.  No!  It’s some brat from 2 doors down crying.  Why is she crying?  I have no idea.  My guess is that she’s come to the realization that her adulthood will consist of her giving bj’s in bus station bathrooms.

She better shut the hell up before I start yelling obscenities out the windows.  Damn it!  There she goes again!!  SHUT IT!!

When did I become this person that hates the sounds of children?  The stupid boy that dribbles his damn basketball down the street, the 2 boys that skateboard up and down the sidewalk, the girls that yell about their Barbie dolls.  All of them make me want to never have children.  Not ever.  I never used to be this way.  My main goal in life was to get married and have kids.  Now here I am at 34 and all I want is a nap, a drink, and to strangle those blasted brats! 

Oh god!  Say it isn’t so!!  I’ve become a crabby old maid!!

For fucks sake!  Now they’re jumping on the trampoline and I can hear all of it.  So much for my nap!  Little bitches…

11 Responses to “I’ll Give You Something to Cry About”

  1. Write Procrastinator April 13, 2008 at 1:36 am #

    “My guess is that she’s come to the realization that her adulthood will consist of her giving bj’s in bus station bathrooms.”

    Heh-heh-heh. I shouldn’t be laughing that, it’s a depressing sentiment. Hah-hah-hah.

    Seriously, you might want to check the outside perimeter of your place for a wasp’s nest.

    What’s going to be really depressing is when she starts offering people I know 2 for $5. Dirty little hussy. -CS

  2. Koree April 13, 2008 at 3:32 am #

    Oh no its official you’re old and crochety.

    Crap. I better start stocking up on prune juice and Depends. -CS

  3. the princess April 13, 2008 at 9:08 am #

    sounds like you have made up your mind. no kiddies for you. that’s ok, it’s different when you have they are yours, although I have some and would gladly give them up for silence on occasion.

    I don’t hate all kids, just the ones in my neighborhood. They’re little bastards. For example, the dumb ass down the street has some dirt bikes and was showing some of the kids how to ride them-right across everyone’s front lawns. -CS

  4. OMG. You need to chill, baby. For reals kids are cute little bastards. I love the hell out of them. But you’re right- they are annoying as hell.

    Trust me, 1 day with the kids on my street and you’d be changing your tune. -CS

  5. Lady Jaye April 13, 2008 at 5:01 pm #

    You’re totally normal. You’re neither old nor crochety. Kids are annoying but fortunatley they have other redeeming qualities to make up for it.

    Maybe they do. I’m still trying to figure out what the little girl next door would have as a redeeming quality. I’m struggling. -CS

  6. pistols at dawn April 13, 2008 at 8:15 pm #

    Kids are perhaps the most annoying things on the planet, especially when you’re forced to live in proximity to them. That’s the real reason they take 9 months to be born – so you’d feel bad throwing them out of your house for being annoying three years later.

    Since I have not had to carry one for 9 months, I don’t have any qualms about throwing any of them out. -CS

  7. Ginormous Boobs April 13, 2008 at 9:02 pm #

    Maybe you’d find them tolerable if they were your own…because at least the “annoying” part would balance out with the “free personal slave” part.

    Having someone to do your bidding is awesome. I really need my own minions. -CS

  8. skylersdad April 13, 2008 at 11:35 pm #

    Kids… Can’t live with them, can’t sell their body organs…

    Sure you can! You’re just not trying hard enough. -CS

  9. Write Procrastinator April 14, 2008 at 7:04 pm #

    “What’s going to be really depressing is when she starts offering people I know 2 for $5. Dirty little hussy.”

    I feel so dirty for laughing this too, this may be the first time I need a shower just for cracking up.

    I’m glad that you’re amused by her future life. Really nice, WP, really nice. -CS

  10. Shieldmaiden96 April 14, 2008 at 10:49 pm #

    The kids from three doors down have no boundaries…literally. Sometimes I look out the window and they are playing in my yard. And I’ve become THAT LADY…I rap on the glass and they run away.

    Two of them were hammering the snot out of each other on my front yard one day. One was crying. Did I try to intervene? Show concern? All I said was “GO HOME”.

    Are you sure you don’t live on my street? These sound like the same little bastards that live on my street. -CS

  11. Cosmo April 16, 2008 at 8:59 pm #

    Don’t let the kids know your are the “Crazy Lady that hates kids”. I remember the “Crazy Lady” on my street. She NEVER got any peace!

    If nothing else, bake some cookies with Benadryl. They will go home tired & the parent will LOVE you for it!

    My nextdoor neighbor would probably hoard all the cookies for herself as she used to have a little “problem” with drugs and booze. -CS

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