Is it Match or Mach dot com?

10 Apr

We’re entering into week two of my foray into online dating on So far, nothing. Well, that’s not true. There have been some winks and emails from a few guys.  2 of whom are cute-one is even charming! Clearly there is something wrong with him or else I wouldn’t be attracted to him.

As for the other eligible bachelors, it’s pretty disappointing.  What strikes me as incredibly strange is that people expect you to respond when they’re making half assed attempts.  Haven’t reached that level of desperation yet.  If I had, we all know I’d be in the arms of the driver of a yellow(ish) Mustang.

For those of you that are also taking your chances with online dating, let me give you a few tips on increasing your odds at piquing someone’s interest.

  • Add a picture on the profile.  A wink from a suitor with no picture? This leads me to believe that there’s something horribly wrong with your face.  What is it?  Only one eye?  Missing all your front teeth?  Or perhaps they’re rotting out of your mouth?  Multiple chins?  There’s a mystery there, and I’m not going to be there to uncover it.
  • Freaking spell/grammar check your profile.  Good lord, people!  You’re supposed to be impressing potential mates out there, not making me roll my eyes because you need to go back to 4th grade.  Don’t believe me?  Well guess what?  I have some wonderful examples for you:

Example No. 1: “HI i am a out going and a big sence of hummer and alot of laugh . i love to have fun in the gig out doors i love kids i love to go to nascr races and canping long walkes on the beach under the stares i likt to take the dog for walk” I’m sorry, you like to have fun in the gig outdoors?  What does that mean?  Also, I’ve never heard of canping or beaches under the stares.  Under the stares of who?  People wondering why you made it out of grade school?

Example No. 2: “I am tall dark an handsome i love to travel an i like doing diffrent things with someone special ,i think thats the best way to get a chance to know someone .Doing things together.I am very sensitive to my womans needs those are important things.”  Okay, so this isn’t quite as bad as the first example, but it’s still bad.  Let’s work on punctuation, shall we?

Example No. 3: “A breif decription of who i am is as follows: im caring , loving , open minded , compassoinate , affectionate , honest , anventurous , communicative , man. I believe in the the golden rule do un to others as you want done un to you . i take love and relationships to heart no room for games of the heart , and not a selfish person and don’t expect that in a succnificant other.”  I don’t even know where to start on this one.  First, let me say good luck on finding your succnificant other.  Clearly your decription of yourself as anventurous and communicative will melt some poor woman’s heart.

And this, my good people, is just some of what I’ve had the chance to experience in my search for a “succnificant” other.

26 Responses to “Is it Match or Mach dot com?”

  1. Rachel April 10, 2008 at 7:10 am #

    This is why I still haven’t posted a profile. I’m glad you gave us an update ~ I was wondering how it was going. Glad to know I not am missing anything.

    You are missing something: the opportunity to read bad profiles. -CS

  2. Jenna April 10, 2008 at 7:17 am #

    Word. I’ve been told I’m not meeting anyone because I’m too picky. I don’t consider rejecting people who can’t spell or capitalize their fucking sentences to be picky so much as being a basic requirement.

    And I am right there with you! -CS

  3. kc April 10, 2008 at 9:28 am #

    have you taken into account the spelling errors may be a result of people posting profiles while boozing?

    Hmm…no I had not. Here’s the question: is their spelling better/worse as a result of the booze? -CS

  4. thenextfish April 10, 2008 at 10:44 am #

    The scary thing is you know these are the standard messages they send to ALL women – can’t they at least get their opening right?

    It’s a scary thought. -CS

  5. Lola Magnolia April 10, 2008 at 1:48 pm #

    That’s nuthin’! Wait ’til you get the guys who said they’re tall and built and when you meet them are short and dumpy. The spelling is a big thing with me too especially since I’m the daughter of an English teacher so I have always had a thing for good spelling and grammar. I even say in one of my ‘about me’ essays that I like a man who knows how to spell at least his name. Heh.

    Lastly, when I was on Match years ago, there was a guy who sent me an Email once that he too had a good sense of hummer. I bet it’s the same guy, lol.

    You’re assuming that I’m actually going out to meet any of these guys. -CS

  6. Diane Mandy April 10, 2008 at 3:12 pm #

    Even though I have been known to make lots of typographical mistakes, I’d be turned off by those profiles, too.

    We’ve all been known to make mistakes. One of mine, however, won’t be dating someone that has super duper bad spelling skills. One or two typos, I can get past, but “canping”, “walkeing”, and “succnificant” I cannot accept. -CS

  7. Del-v April 10, 2008 at 3:41 pm #

    I better get on right now. If that’s my competition, I’ll clean up!

    Find me and woo me, won’t you? Be funny, have a hot picture, and good grammar. Is that too much to freaking ask? -CS

  8. cinnkitty April 10, 2008 at 4:25 pm #

    I tend to be a little forgiving with guys and typing. Well… in so much as I don’t pick on them for not using capital letters. ha.ha.ha..

    On the other hand, the guys that type in ALL CAPS drive me nuts! What’s up with that? 😀

    Sounds like lots of fun (not!). I’m thinking that perhaps your geographical area is just waaaay different then mine. I had pretty good luck with match.

    Okay..Okay.. you also know I had my fair share of nut jobs. “Jersey Boy” being the perfect example.

    Oh! Sent your photo to the brother. Now I’m just trying to get a pic of him. By gollee…it may take a plane trip but I’ll get you laid one way or the other. ha..ha.ha…

    That’s me… such a kind and caring pimp. 😉

    You’re the best pimp friend a girl could ask for.

  9. Infamous JP April 10, 2008 at 4:26 pm #

    How’s this for a profile….

    “YOU! ME! NAKED! BED! NOW! In that order… and no laughing!”

    That would be super! I can only imagine what the username would look like.

    One tool gave himself the username of “tungmaster”. Ugh, I almost hurled. -CS

  10. One Date Wonder April 10, 2008 at 5:07 pm #

    I love that Example No. 1 has a ” big sence of hummer”. I bet that hummer is just about all he ever thinks about. Just sayin’.

    Isn’t that about all that most guys think about? -CS

  11. gnugs April 10, 2008 at 5:40 pm #

    I don’t know how you restrain yourself. I’d be jumping at those guys. (Only to find P@D’s dopplegangers.)

    P@D is a catch. He has a real job, AND knows how to spell. -CS

  12. Red April 10, 2008 at 5:46 pm #

    Patience is a virtue, CS. (I thought about misspelling that for the sake of “hummer”, but misspelling makes me nuts. If you can’t spell it, just choose a different word. But then maybe they also have trouble with vocab.) Over a period of several years and two different sites (I was on yahoo a while back in NYC) I’ve been out with more than a dozen guys. Some only once each. I’ve also found the two best relationships I’ve had. I’m not married yet, and I’d like to get that way, but I’ve definitely had some luck online. Sooner or later, someone will be charmed by your pic and profile and write you a real email, and then maybe you’ll keep it on the DL from us and just cross your fingers!

    Of course I’d keep it on the DL. Otherwise, I might jinx it. Next think you know I’ll be married with 2 kids and I’ll suddenly become one of those mommy bloggers writing about poop and how their kids won’t eat their cooked carrots. -CS

  13. Lauren April 10, 2008 at 6:48 pm #

    CS – Why don’t you start correcting the profiles and mailing it back to them, you know, kind of like a service project? Maybe they don’t know they’ve made so many spelling and grammatical errors? You could be Professor Higgins to all those poor Mr. Doolittles…

    What a great idea! I’m going to start my own business for people that can’t spell! -CS

  14. pistols at dawn April 10, 2008 at 7:10 pm #

    Wow. I’m late to comment, so I know these are already taken, but most guys who make spelling errors with “succ” and “hummer” aren’t actually making spelling errors. They’re probably formerly married men remembering what oral felt like so many years ago.

    I’ve dumped women for misspelling things in sentences telling me how great I am, so I feel your pain. “Pistols – your so amazeing sometimes its a bit scary to me.” I figured I could either teach her how to spell and the differences in your/you’re and it’s/its, or nail someone new. I stand by my decision.

    Pistols, let me let you in on a little secret: pretty sure that some of these guys have no idea what “oral” feels like. Except for those virtual blow jobs they get from Jenna Jameson or from some other porn star. -CS

  15. Mike April 10, 2008 at 7:14 pm #

    OMG don’t get me started with profiles. I still can’t believe guys wink. Get some balls and write an email. Yes it is a sad state of affairs when you should be taking this like a job interview and they take it as a drunken frat party. Here enjoy my other blog:

    There are some freaking hysterical postings on that site! -CS

  16. Amadeo April 10, 2008 at 7:29 pm #

    I’m with one date wonder and I can’t believe you weren’t all over that…”big sence of hummer” is that the seventh sense?

    It’s a sense that only the likes of Ron Jeremy and John Holmes know about. -CS

  17. Skylers Dad April 10, 2008 at 8:01 pm #

    Wow, just wow…

    Good luck out there, I have never been so happy to be married for 25 years as I am right now!

    Thanks for rubbing it in. -CS

  18. pistols at dawn April 10, 2008 at 10:05 pm #

    Um…er, where might one find these virtual blow jobs? A friend of mine, named Not Me, is interested.

    Verrrrrrry interested.

    And let’s remember, CS and Gnugs, that I’m not so much a catch as someone who will help you catch something.

    Having never sought a virtual bj I wouldn’t know how to tell you Not Me where to find one.

    You don’t need to remind me of your infectious nature. The rash won’t go away no matter what I do. -CS

  19. step right up April 10, 2008 at 10:23 pm #

    Oh my golly! Succnificant. I’m not even sure how to pronounce it but I’m liking it!

    And hey, give that first one a try. You know, because he has a big sence of hummer. That sounds like a GOOD thing.

    You know what? He probably doens’t know how to pronounce it either. -CS

  20. Ginormous Boobs April 11, 2008 at 1:29 am #

    Online dating works if you can wade through all the peen pic dudes and other yahoos – I promise.

    Where are the peen pictures?? I still haven’t gotten one! -CS

  21. Grant Miller, Esq. April 11, 2008 at 1:58 am #

    I bet the first guy also has a really gig penis.

    I believe you meant gig penes. -CS

  22. I heart online dating.

    You have strange likes, my dear. -CS

  23. abroad April 11, 2008 at 5:53 am #

    I’ve mentioned it before, but I met my darling on 8 years ago – his profile and spelling were impeccable. Also I wasted my time dating a lot of men with sub par profiles with poor grammar and spelling before I met my darling and his beautifully written wit. You can tell a lot about a person by their writing style or lack thereof.

    You’re better off having cocktails with the girls for the rest of your life than settling for these buffons.

    Not gonna settle. It’s definitely been fun in terms of finding things to make fun of. And there’s even one guy that’s pretty decent. He is amusing to me! Funny even! -CS

  24. courtney April 11, 2008 at 4:01 pm #

    look at this cathrinette!!! this is just copied and pasted from eharmony….oh gosh!!

    The three things which matt is most thankful for:

    i am thinkful for being alive
    i am thinkful for my daughter
    i am thinkful for god and good parents

    Think you for sharing this with us. 🙂 -CS

  25. Write Procrastinator April 11, 2008 at 6:43 pm #

    “A wink from a suitor with no picture?”

    And how else would hunchbacks get their freak on? Seriously?

    Which is worse, no picture? Or, someone whom misrepresents by using a picture of someone else? From I’ve read about online dating, there are no guarantees in that department.

    “HI i am a out going and a big sence of hummer”

    See, you missed out. He’s trying to tell you that he fronts an Evanesence cover band…right down to Amy Lee’s makeup and dress.

    It would scare me if he was invloved in an Evanesence cover band-especially if he sounded just like Amy Lee. As much as I love the way she sounds, I’m not interested in going out with someone that has her voice. -CS

  26. Ginormous Boobs April 11, 2008 at 10:32 pm #

    Why do you lie about not getting peen pictures from me? Did I not send you a link to a photobucket account FULL OF PEEN PICTURES of online rejects?

    And I update it.

    I’m referring to peen pictures from guys that are trying to hit on me, not from you!

    People: in case you’re confused, GB does NOT have a peen. She does, however, have an array of peen pictures. There’s one for every occassion! -CS

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