Archive | 8:26 pm

My Day In Court

8 Apr

No, I was not the defendent in a stalking case.  He promised that he liked it when I parked my car outside his house and followed him around all over the place.  He even told the cops that when they offered to take me away.

Yesterday (after 6 freaking months) was the trial date for my psycho neighbor’s jailbird ex boyfriend.  Since I was the one that called the cops on him, the State saw fit to call me in as a witness.  That’s right, I was served.  Good times.  And so I found myself at the County Courthouse yesterday afternoon.  Simone, Michael Kors and I found it to be a truly enlightening experience, which I’ll tell you all about later.

Missing me as she always does when she’s trapped at work and I am not, Foxy decided to put together a wonderful little something-something for me.  So now I present to you:

Foxy’s Top 10 Awesome Things About Spending Your Monday in Court:

10: You might meet a hot guy by the metal detectors.

9. You can finally put all that legal lingo you picked up from watching Law & Order re-runs to good use.

8. It’s an opportunity to learn new gang signs.

7. Meth heads say the dardnest things!

6. You can pick up some helpful pointers from a hooker (and she won’t charge in order to avoid incriminating herself). Score!

5. You can request that instead of using a bible to swear you in, they use a Michael Kors handbag.

4. You can demand to know why all judges don’t wear the little lace collar like Judge Judy does.

3. If a creepy guy hits on you, you can say, “I’d like to hold you…in contempt!”

2. If the judge is attractive, you can ask him, “Is that a gavel in your robe or are you just happy to see me?”

And the #1 awesome thing about spending your Monday in court-

You can stand up in the middle of the proceedings and tell the judge you want to please Nolo Contendere to being a hottie.

Just the Tip Tuesday (04/08/08)

8 Apr

This one’s going out to Tabbie.  (BT Dubs, Tabbie, you might want to hold off on reading any further if you’re at work.  You might need a minute or two to get a hold of yourself after seeing the pic.

Let’s all take this opportunity to feast our eyes on a very wet Matt Damon.

An Important Public Service Announcement

8 Apr

“I’m Burning Inside to Touch You, Baby.” 

If anyone ever says that line to you, it most likely means they have the clap.  Proceed with caution.

Thank you and have a pleasant and polite day.