My New Pet

29 Mar

For the last week or so I’ve been thinking about getting a cat.  I’m not much of a cat fan, in fact I typically avoid them, but I kind of want one now.  My giant dog would most likely eat the cat the second he saw it, so it’s an exceptionally bad idea.  I kind of need one, though.  You see, I have the perfect name for a cat: Mr. Nipples.

Mr. Nipples is the best freaking name for a cat ever!  Imagine the conversations:

  • You: You have any pets?
  • Me: I do!  I have a dog and a cat.
  • You: Oh, and what are your pets’ names?
  • Me: My dog’s name is Cujo, and my cat’s name is Mr. Nipples.
  • You: Mr. Nipples?
  • Me: Yes, Mr. Nipples.  Mr. Nipples is quite a character.  He gets out of the house all the time so I have to go looking for him in the neighborhood.  I call to him, “MR. NIPPLES!  MR. NIPPLES!”

It’s perfect!! 

19 Responses to “My New Pet”

  1. Ginormous Boobs March 29, 2008 at 2:52 am #

    Your cat could totally come hang out with our friend, Mr. Nick Nipple.

    Seriously, that’s his name. I got front row seats at a concert recently when I went with him because of that wonderful name.

    And it was great to sit at a table with a giant NIPPLE (2) sign on it…I of course kept it.

    I also have a friend named Nick Hyman that I am dying to introduce him to.

    I want to come and hang out with Nick Nipples!! I want to befriend him and then get him to meet me at the airport and then page him over the intercome. “Mr. Nipples, your party is waiting for you at baggage claim. Mr. Nipples, please meet your party at baggage claim.” -CS

  2. MisstressM March 29, 2008 at 2:56 am #

    Mr. Nipples ehhh? Is he going to play in the next Boobie Wars?

    Everyone did like those nip shots of yours. I’m pretty sure they’d rather see yours than just shots of Mr. Nipples. -CS

  3. One Date Wonder March 29, 2008 at 3:00 am #

    Then you could go to work and tell Debbie Downer all about Mr.Nipples and his adventures in the neighborhood. Just sayin’.

    Well, she did name her cat Tang? Which reminds me of poontang which is slang for vajean. -CS

  4. Mike March 29, 2008 at 3:11 am #

    He could be an imaginary pet. Just an idea.

    He could be. At this point he totally is. Kind of like my boyfriend-only exists in my mind. -CS

  5. teri March 29, 2008 at 3:22 am #

    God, woman, there’s something seriously wrong with you! LOL

    how about another dog, named Mr. Nipples? I mean, since you’re not a cat person, and all?

    Mr. Nipples is a stupid name for a dog! Come on! Everyone knows that Mr. Nipples is name for a cat, not a dog. -CS

  6. Amadeo March 29, 2008 at 4:54 am #

    “Go ahead…rub Mr. Nipples.” Ha

    I could invite guys over and ask them if they want to pet my nipples. -CS

  7. tabbie March 29, 2008 at 5:34 am #

    I was going to say I have a friend named Nick Nipple, but GB already did. What a bitch.

    She’s way ahead of you. . . -CS

  8. Mister Underhill March 29, 2008 at 7:14 am #

    Wow, mr. nipples has to be the best name ever. Does he lactate?

    If he did his name would be Ms. Nipples. -CS

  9. Franki March 29, 2008 at 8:46 am #

    I knew this giant cop in my neighborhood, whose kids had named their often run-away dog Smoochie.

    What’s better than a ginormous angry cop in a wifebeater screaming, “SMOOCHIE!”

    “SMOOCHIE!”

    “SMOOCHIE!”

    “SMOOCHIE!”

    “SMOOCHIE!”

    Nothing.

    That’s what.

    Lord help me, those were the days.

    You know what would have made you even happier? If he had been running around the neighborhood yelling:

    “MR. NIPPLES!”

    “MR. NIPPLES!”

    “MR. NIPPLES!”

    See? Tell me that’s not freaking better than Smootchie. -CS

  10. K March 29, 2008 at 3:50 pm #

    Just found your blog and I have a very innocent, though slightly unnatural, girl crush on you and your blog. Thought you should know.

    Oh, K! I’m totally flattered! Are you going to start driving by my house and stalking me now? Let me know and I’ll give you my address. -CS

  11. Andrew March 29, 2008 at 4:27 pm #

    OR there’s the immortal line in “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”

    Bernadette: “What a lovely dog. What’s it’s name?”
    Bob: Herpes. “If she’s good, she’ll heal. ”

    BWAHAHA!! Good one! -CS

  12. abroad March 29, 2008 at 6:56 pm #

    Why don’t you just lie and tell people that you have a cat named Mr. Nipples. It’ll save you a bundle on kibble and kitty litter.

    This is a good plan. -CS

  13. Tracie March 30, 2008 at 2:33 am #

    That is a great name. I had a cat for 17 years and loved him…he brought me joy that a dog can’t always do. I think having a dog and a cat would be great. Maybe I will consider getting a pet soon. But I have to look for a new name…Mr. Nipples is already taken. 🙂

    Really? More joy than a dog? I do not know this love of which you speak. I had a cat when I was really little-we weren’t allowed to pet her because she would scratch the shit out of us. I hated her. -CS

  14. pistols at dawn March 30, 2008 at 3:36 am #

    Couldn’t you just call it “Hardcock?” I often find myself wandering the streets of Baltimore looking for your pet…

    You and me both. . . -CS

  15. Suze March 30, 2008 at 6:32 am #

    You’re too funny. Don’t encourage Pistols please.

    I love encouraging Pistols!! -CS

  16. Just Wandering... March 31, 2008 at 12:28 am #

    Oh that’s an awesome cat name!

    Can you picture yourself yelling:

    “Where’s my cute Nipples?”

    In your frontyard. Lets just say the neighbors will definitely enjoy you more!

  17. Foxy Luv March 31, 2008 at 3:16 am #

    Here’s the thing about risque pet names – they lead to total humiliation at the vet’s. I read somewhere that Pink has a dog named Fucker. Edgy, yes. Bad ass – for sure. But how do you think it feels to be sitting in the waiting room of the vet and hear them call out, “Fucker Greenbaum, the doctor will see you now.”? Or even better, on your way out of the office, when you are having to pay for the visit, “OK, it looks like your little Fucker had his Rabies booster, a dental cleaning, and a nail trim. So FUcker is going to run you $143.56 today. How did you want to take care of that?”.

    It looks good on paper, these risque pet names, but I suggest making Mr. Nipples his un-official name. Tell the vet his name is Sheer Kahn, or Yoda, or Spock. And then when you are alone together – he can be your Mr. Nipples.

    You know what? This does not scare me away. -CS

  18. SinCity March 31, 2008 at 7:38 am #

    My friend informed me this weekend she is getting a dog, a king charles cavalier spaniel or some prissy shit dog like that (think charlotte york’s dog “elizabeth taylor” in SATC) and is going to name it “Chicken Nugget”.

    Seriously.

    Mr. Nipples seems almost… normal.

    Can you talk her out of it? Let her know that she will be mocked endlessly. Chicken Nugget is a stupid, stupid name. -CS

  19. Lola Magnolia March 31, 2008 at 6:15 pm #

    That’s like a friend of mine who named his dog ‘Dog’ and was going to name his cat ‘Cat’ ’til he thought ‘Pussy’ would be so much better. Then Pussy got out one day and there he is, going up and down the street screaming “Damnit Pussy, where the fuck are you?”. Nice.

    Klassy! -CS

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