Can I Offer You a Cup?

24 Mar

We had been on some kind of streak.  It has literally been weeks since I was trapped under the bus being forced to listen in to one of Debbie Downer’s depressing and/or painfully boring stories.  That streak ended today.  How is it possible that the woman can’t take a hint??  Is she really that clueless, or does she just not care?  God and the little diaper clad baby Jesus sleeping in the manger only know.

She’s been dating this guy for a few months now, and it appears that things are going very well for them.  He’s a widower, has 3 kids, a decent job, and seems like a good guy (at least that’s what I hear when she’s boring someone else with the details).  This morning she stopped by to ask Lit’l Smokey a question, and he wasn’t at his desk.

  • DD: Have you seen Lit’l Smokey today?
  • CS: He’s here today but I’m guessing he’s at a meeting.
  • DD: I need a manual for someone and he has the copy.
  • CS: Okay, well, he should be back soon.
  • DD: How was your weekend?
  • CS: Pretty low key.  I nearly died on Friday from the plague, but I managed to recover. [Dreading this next part but feeling obligated to ask] Did you have a nice weekend? [I purposely asked a yes/no question hoping she would keep it short.]
  • DD: I sure did!  It was really great!  I met the rest of Widower’s family, and he and the kids met my family.  We had an Easter egg hunt for the kids.  I got my hair done. I celebrated my birthday on Thursday too, that was really fun.  So busy, lots to do, boring, blah, blah, cat woke me up at 3:00 in the morning.  I’m so tired.
  • CS: Oh.  That’s nice.
  • DD: Yeah, my family really liked Widower and the kids.  It felt like such a great family gathering and we played checkers and ate food and did boring things and I am going to make you cry with boring details about the boring things that I did.
  • CS: [Willing the phone to ring or for someone to come and save me] Really?
  • DD: Yeah, and I took Widower’s daughter to get her hair done on Saturday and then I had to drive home and clean the house, and then we went to my aunt’s house and it was really great and boring and now I’ll talk about my cat until you hurl.
  • CS: Great.
  • DD: Yeah, things are going really well.  I’m tired though because the cat was playing with the blinds all night.  He spends most of the day hiding under the bed and only comes out at night when I’m asleep.  He’s hiding from the other cat who attacks him so I lock him out at night and that’s why the cat that hides under the bed only comes out at night.
  • CS: I see.
  • DD: The other night I just opened the blinds so that he could just see out the window.  That’s all he wants.
  • CS: I see. [My take is that the cat is actually trying to strangle himself with the cord of the blinds, which is what I would do if I had to listen to her drone on and on about nothing.]
  • DD: Plus I didn’t go to bed until late because Widower and I were on the phone until midnight.  We spent so much family time together but didn’t get any one on one time together.
  • CS: I see.
  • DD: So we were on the phone for 2 hours last night.
  • CS: Mmm hmm.
  • DD:  And then the cat woke me up at 3 to play with the blinds.

This went on for 20 freaking minutes.  I kept looking at the clock and making sure that I didn’t ask her any questions.  At one point I typed a long email and stared at my computer.  She just kept right on blathering away like a fool.   I’d give you the rest of the conversation but it was so painfully traumatic that it’s already been blocked out.  God I hope I don’t have post traumatic stress disorder.  That’s just what I need-to wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat with vague memories of one of her boring stories.

15 Responses to “Can I Offer You a Cup?”

  1. Andrew March 24, 2008 at 10:01 pm #

    I’m reaching for sharp objects just reading that small excerpt…

    Had the scissors still been on my desk either she would have been stabbed, or I would have cut my wrists. -CS

  2. teri March 24, 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    WOW, I don’t know many folks, okay, NONE at all, who give a blow-by-blow account of their lives.

    Do you still have the plague? I would cough on her or something to give it away.

    I tried to work up a good ball of phlegm to spit on her but it wasn’t working out. Surprisingly, she didn’t notice the tears that were streaming down my cheeks or my silent screams for help. -CS

  3. Becky March 24, 2008 at 10:33 pm #

    All I can say is she raped your ears. She made you listen to a bunch of meaningless crap about her craptastic life, against your will.

    I’d file charges.

    Wonder how that case would play out in court. What if the defense attorney tried to attack my the character of my ears and say attempted to convince the court that my ears asked for it? -CS

  4. Ginormous Boobs March 24, 2008 at 10:41 pm #

    Get a phone headset. Wear it all the time. Point to it when you see her anywhere in the vacinity and wave her off.

    If that doesn’t work, a wet juicy burp pointed in their direction just might.

    Typically my ipod does the trick. By sheer (bad) luck she happened to walk by when the headsets were off. -CS

  5. pistols at dawn March 24, 2008 at 11:03 pm #

    Wow. I would have pulled off the fake phone call – “Oh, I’ve got to take this.”

    Does this mean you’ve now technically met her family as well?

    You mean the fake phone call where the phone doesn’t even ring? She totally would have caught on to it. -CS

  6. Jenna March 24, 2008 at 11:21 pm #

    Dude! Did you see that the Washington Post had a Peeps diorama contest? They are so hilarious!

    Next year, you should totally submit something, as you are obviously a peep master. 🙂

    I’m totally going to enter it next year! With some planning and the Nyquil-peeptini combo, I can’t lose. -CS

  7. Random Musings March 24, 2008 at 11:27 pm #

    Ok umm this is why I do not own a shot gun…..

    How about sharp objects? Do you carry those with you? Or maybe pepper spray? -CS

  8. MisstressM March 25, 2008 at 12:00 am #

    Oh lord. Can I shoot her?

    Be my guest! -CS

  9. step right up March 25, 2008 at 12:35 am #

    Do I detect a tinge of jealousy that DD has a life? A life with cats?

    Is it that obvious that I wish that I could be woken up at 3:00 in the morning by a cat that’s trying to strangle itself in the blinds? -CS

  10. Amadeo March 25, 2008 at 2:29 am #

    Awww this is simple, if you have a direct line call your desk phone from your cell. If not give someone a code and text them the code so they’ll know to call you.

    She totally would have noticed if I had grabbed my cell phone of out my bag, started dialing, and then my work phone started ringing. She was at my desk. -CS

  11. Foxy Luv March 25, 2008 at 3:21 am #

    I am so jealous that she shared this with you and not me. As Yoda would say, “Pea green with envy I am!”.

    Come on, who doesn’t love to see a Yoda reference get dropped? Super sweet and stuff.

    Dear, dear, Foxy. Don’t you know that she’ll probably stop by your desk to bore you to tears on Wednesday? You know how she likes to tell her stories over and over and over again. -CS

  12. tabbie March 25, 2008 at 3:40 am #

    At least she’s chipper! I often tell people that I’m too busy to chat. It’s rude and it works.

    You never know with her. Sometimes she can be a total biz-snatch. -CS

  13. Sooz March 25, 2008 at 9:59 am #

    Im not so sure she would have noticed you dialing the phone. You managed to type a whole email and that didn’t phase her one bit.

    You could pretend you urgently have to text a friend and dial your office!

    She makes me want to hit her square in the mouth, she really does.

    I used to have a friend who sat right behind me and would save me when Debbie Downer came to bore me with her boring tales. My friend would get up, walk to another phone, and call me. It was easy enough for me to tell Debbie D that I really had to take the call. God how I miss my friend. -CS

  14. Delia March 25, 2008 at 12:44 pm #

    This was too funny…
    I am sorry you had to go through that…
    I am sure she would never had left even if the phone rang…I mean if an email didn’t do it nothing would. ROFL

    I can only imagine what would happen if she moves in or-worse-gets engaged to the Widower! We’ll never hear the end of it, which means that you all will never hear the end of it either. . . -CS

  15. Write Procrastinator April 2, 2008 at 9:16 pm #

    “He’s a widower, has 3 kids, a decent job, and seems like a good guy”

    And apparently he has a major fetish for depression.

    The Widower: Tell me again Debby, about the good ol’ days of the Plague and bloodletting with leeches.

    Not to be mean, but I was wondering if the next time she drones on like four monasteries worth of monks chanting? Pour alum on her head and see if it will shrink and her voice will go up really high just like what happens in cartoons.

    Hmm. . .this sounds like a very good plan. She would be pretty funny with a shrunken head. -CS

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