The Science of Hooking Up

29 Feb

Let’s talk about probabilities.  Some of us have alluded to the factors that come into play when determining your chances of having a hook up.  For those of you that don’t think that there are other factors that impact your chances, wake up and smell the Starbucks peppermint mocha.  What rock have you been living under?  Come on now!!

It’s time to get edu-macated, bitches.  Here we go. . .

Science has proved that there are 7 factors that influence one’s chances of getting some booty.  Just so we’re clear here, when I say “science” I mean “Catherinette Singleton”.  Who cares that I don’t actually have a degree in science or math or even bothered to take statistics.  I have real world experience.  I freaking learned it the hard way.

The 7 Factors

  1. Shaved Legs: The longer you’ve gone without shaving, the better your chances are of getting naked with a hotty from Hottingham.  The dilemma here is that Mr. Hottingham will probably run for the hills when he realizes that you’re part Sasquatch.
  2. Unmade Bed: This variable only comes into play when Mr. Hottingham is the type of guy that would judge you for having an unmade bed.  Some of you may wonder why you would bother with such a gent, and I’m here to remind you it’s because he is hot and you want him naked and breathless beneath you.  That’s why.
  3. Clean House: It stands to reason that though you do your best to maintain a fairly orderly household, the one time you have the chance to bring home Mr. Hottingham, just happens to be on the day that the hurricane ripped through your house.  Mr. Hottingham will judge you for leaving the opened bag of chips on the bed, the stinking garbage overflowing onto the counter tops, having a rug that needs to be desperately vacuumed or a kitchen floor that needs to be mopped, and a stack of magazines on the bathroom floor.  He will judge you to the point of making an excuse before anyone exposes their genitalia.
  4. Clean Car:  The car comes into play when you’ll have to do some driving.  If there’s dog hair, food wrappers, and sticky half consumed cans of soda all over the car.  Be sure that he’ll be going for a “ride” with you.  Note: he may be so scared by your car that he refuses to get in it and you might have to make out behind the bar.
  5. Fancy Knickers:  Running out and purchasing nice lingerie only works if you’re in the early stages of a new relationship or have a guaranteed booty calls.  If you’re planning on hooking up with your crush or going out solely for the purpose of meeting a one night stand then do not wear nice underthings.  Wearing a frumpy bra, granny panties, or panties you only wear during that time of the month??  Guess what??  You’re about to get some sexy time!
  6. Well Maintained “Landscaping”: See factor #1.
  7. Menstrual Cycle: Afraid that you’re pregnant?  I have a surefire way to get your period.  Go out, meet a cute boy (make sure that your legs and “happy place” aren’t shaved, your car and home are a mess, the bed’s not made, and you’re wearing your “time of the month” panties).  This will help you get him to your house.  I warn you, the second you start hooking up, you will get your period.  Thankfully, you’ll be prepared with your period panties.

16 Responses to “The Science of Hooking Up”

  1. ME IN MD February 29, 2008 at 6:59 pm #

    So true – im laughing because the last time a cute guy was in my car, the back seat was filled with bags etc that i was taking to the goodwill and never did – and he nick named me Lamont from Sanford and Son!!!!

    That’s a sexy little nickname. -CS

  2. kdri February 29, 2008 at 7:00 pm #

    That is totally true! I swear the worse prepared I am the more likely the hot booty is on the way. I’m almost happy that I didn’t shave today, I’ve now maximized my chance for a hotty!

    I did shave, made the bed, kind of cleaned the house, and the car is clean. And now I hear he has a girlfriend. -CS

  3. Amadeo February 29, 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    Dammit, she knows fellas.

    I’m clever like that. -CS

  4. Diane Mandy February 29, 2008 at 7:28 pm #

    Yes, yes, yes and why, why, why?

    It’s incredible insight that I share with the people. -CS

  5. step right up February 29, 2008 at 7:29 pm #

    And if they still hook up with you after you meet the criteria of all 7, that means he’s just as desperate and it’s a match made in heaven.

    You’re totally describing my soulmate right there. -CS

  6. Skylers Dad February 29, 2008 at 8:31 pm #

    He he he, if you would just lower your standards to nice plain guys like me, there wouldn’t be a problem!

    We are simply grateful!

    I too am grateful to get some. -CS

  7. Megan February 29, 2008 at 11:06 pm #

    HAHAHA so so so true. More than one of the above happened to me (or should I say, I allowed to happen), along with a few other horrifying things (clogging his toilet, getting a little too boozy and then spending the evening hugging the toilet, etc.) within the first 1 or 2 times that I spent the night at this one guy’s house – and we ended up dating for 2 years. Maybe this 7-factor theory applies to more than hook-ups, as long as you have the right combo of all 7? hahaha

    Messing with the 7 factors is like mixing chemicals. Sometimes you have just the right combination and come up with something wonderful. Other times it’s a mess and it blows up in your face. You never really know the outcome until you try. -CS

  8. abroad March 1, 2008 at 6:19 am #

    It should be noted for your married readers that these factors work in the opposite direction if you are married.

    I’ll have to remember that if I can ever land a guy long enough to actually marry him. Or should I say if he can land me? -CS

  9. abroad March 1, 2008 at 6:20 am #

    Except for the period factor… that one still holds true regardless of marital status.

    It’s strange how some guys are totally ooked out by it and other ones could care less. -CS

  10. Lola Magnolia March 1, 2008 at 2:17 pm #

    I can’t believe how you nailed all those points! Although these days, I just can’t be bothered with dating so none of that really applies to me. 😉

    It’s been a lifetime of research. -CS

  11. the princess March 1, 2008 at 9:34 pm #

    that’s just so very true. really

    And we’ve all learned it the hard way. -CS

  12. Gunn Lino March 2, 2008 at 5:21 am #

    The real killer of the hook-up moment is the stink of the unclean cat box, especially when it’s in the bathroom and we go in there and close the door and, while trying to piss have to suppress the gag reflex.

    Now, if they showed up and complained about the litter box smell in my house we’d have a serious problem as I don’t have a cat. -CS

  13. pistols at dawn March 2, 2008 at 10:57 pm #

    I don’t notice any of these things until I’m leaving in the middle of the night before the ether wears off and she wakes up.

    Smart move on your part. Just remember to wipe down any surfaces you touch so they can’t get any fingerprints. -CS

  14. uberfrau March 3, 2008 at 1:09 am #

    Count me in on all seven this weekend. Thank God he didn’t see my car.

    That was a smart move on your part, missy! -CS

  15. Random Musings March 3, 2008 at 6:39 am #

    Well said… I laughed reading this.. so true
    Ahh to be single again… Happily married buts some is also true for when you are married…lol

    Ah to be single and not getting any action. Yeah, it’s the best. -CS

  16. Tabbie March 4, 2008 at 1:44 am #

    This must be why I haven’t been getting any for… gosh- weeks!

    Now you can correct the error of your ways. -CS

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