Catherinette & Simone Cover the Oscars

25 Feb

It’s like asking if you’d rather have your hand shredded in a wood chipper or in the garbage disposal.  Who would you rather watch cover the Ocars: Ryan Seacrest and his saucy lame jokes or Lisa Rinna looking like she just walked into a glass wall?  Not a really great choice either way.  This, year, Simone and I are doing our own commentary, and it’s going to be magical for everyone involved.

4 minutes and counting!  Snacks?  Check!  Wine?  Check!  Beer?  Check!  Chocolate?  Check!  We’re ready for the fun to begin.  Wrap it up Regis and let’s go!

While we wait for one last set of commercials, let me enlighten you with some special revelations.  Daniel Day Lewis’s wife looks like his mother.  Cate Blanchett’s dress is atrocious.  Renee Zellweger’s hair is worse.  I would do Javier Bardem in a hot minute-even if he was nowhere near a Mustang.

8:30: The show is starting!  Whee!!  Wait, the dog is staring at me.  Why?  Maybe he has to go out.  Hope he doesn’t have to go too badly because he’s going to have to wait until the next commercial.  Jon Stewart is funny.  He’s making fun of people, that always brings me great joy.  Unlike the dog that’s still staring at me.  His little doggy paws are crossed.  Maybe I should let him out.  Nope, I can’t-they’re announcing the first Oscar.  Jennifer Garner’s hair looks messy.  Yay!  The Oscar goes to Elizabeth!  Let’s celebrate by having some beer while I listen to some boring speech.

8:47:  Mmm. . .George Clooney, goes well with beer. 

8:56: I’m going to put it out there: Katherine Heigl = overrated.  Not a fan.  Mmm. . .Johny Depp, goes will with beer.

And the evening continued with more beer and more boring acceptance speeches.  Thankfully, Rock of Love was on so I was able to find out what Bret was planning during the boring acceptance speeches. 

Let’s wrap it up with my top 10 revelations for the 2008 Oscars:

  1. George Clooney is hot like fire and I want him.
  2. Jon Stewart is funny.
  3. The technical awards are a lot like cuddling after sex: pointless and no one remembers it the next day.
  4. Bret Michael’s has had more plastic surgery than 1/2 of the women on his show.
  5. Tilda Swinton is really unattractive and may give me nightmares.
  6. Tilda Swinton’s fashion adviser should be taken out and shot.  What on god’s green earth is that woman wearing?  Ugh, it’s bad.  It makes her even more scary.
  7. I’m pretty sure that Diablo Cody isn’t wearing any underwear.
  8. Their little “In Memorium” thing always makes me cry.  It may also be that I’m extra sappy after drinking too much beer.
  9. Daniel Day Lewis looks stupid with his earrings in, but he gave a nice speech. 
  10. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog should really be the one presenting Best Picture.  That would be so freaking awesome.  I can picture it now, there he’d be up at the podium and he’d say, “And the Oscar for Best Picture. . .FOR ME TO POOP ON. . .goes to. . .”  It would be fun for everyone.

12 Responses to “Catherinette & Simone Cover the Oscars”

  1. pistols at dawn February 25, 2008 at 10:01 pm #

    This is like I watched this, except without wasting the four hours of my life.

    Right. You were probably too busy telling someone their pants were made of asbestos or something like that. -CS

  2. Guv'ner February 25, 2008 at 10:22 pm #

    Catherine Heigl
    Hot blonde.
    Dumb as cheese.
    Personality of plankton.
    Looks like an uber-bitch.
    Big boobs.

  3. Guv'ner February 25, 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    Katherine Heigl = Hot blonde.
    Dumb as cheese.
    Personality of plankton.
    Looks like an uber-bitch.
    Big boobs.

    Honey, that right there is poetry. -CS

  4. Diane Mandy February 25, 2008 at 10:47 pm #

    I think reading your post was much better than spending the time to watch the Oscars. Now I’m not sad my satellite network didn’t carry it.

    Stupid satellite network. Clearly it’s working against you-the government is against you. Good thing you’re out of the country right now. -CS

  5. Tabbie February 25, 2008 at 11:40 pm #

    Bret Michaels also wears more makeup than most of the women on his show. And he likes the freaks! Those women- oh dear god, they are trazash.
    Also, thanks for the Oscar recap. I’m so happy I didn’t have to watch it myself to pick up the highlights.

    You’re right, he does wear more make-up than they do. He wears so much freaking eye liner. I kinda feel like I could take a lesson from him-I think he’s better at defining his eyes than I am. -CS

  6. cinnkitty February 26, 2008 at 12:15 am #

    OOOOO… CS you are in SO much trouble… MissM informed me that Simone has attacked her face with a battalion of little zit friends.. and this.. the upcoming weekend of Girls Gone Wild. She’s not happy… not happy at all.

    And of course, I told her Simone was alllllll YOUR CREATION…ha..ha.ha… 😛

    No! That is not fair! I refuse to take responsiblity for other people’s break outs! NOT FAIR! I am held hostage by stupid Simone and it’s not my fault if she wants to trapse around the country attacking other people too. I have no control over what she does.

    She is hateful and should be stopped. We’re all just going to have to rally against her.

    DOWN WITH SIMONE!

  7. Princess of the Universe February 26, 2008 at 4:51 am #

    That Tilda chick really freaks me out!

    She’s freaking creepy! -CS

  8. Amadeo February 26, 2008 at 4:54 am #

    Did anyone make the “get off the stage music stop”? Since Kanye did it at the Grammys I hope it will be a continuing trend.

    Not really. Jon Stewart did bring back the chick that won for Best Song and she gave her little spiel. That’s about as saucy as it got. -CS

  9. Just Wandering... February 27, 2008 at 1:33 am #

    Yeah, Jon Stewart seemed a little tame to me. I was disappointed!

    You think so? I thought he was funny. Definitely better than stupid awful Chris Rock. The one time he hosted was the one time I almost boycotted. God I hate him-even more than I hate the clap. -CS

  10. Jenna February 27, 2008 at 1:41 am #

    Tilda scares me and her dress was horrible but Diablo’s was totally worse. It’s like “We get it! You used to be a stripper!” But by god, the imperative phrase there is “used to.” You’re not anymore, put some clothes on.

    And really, she used to be a stripper in like, East Bumfuck Minnesota or something. I’m not sure I’d be bragging so much.

    Poor freaking, Diablo. Lord only knows what the hell she was thinking. Her stylist should be freaking beaten. Why on earth would she have worn such an unflattering dress! Still, it couls have been worse-she could have worn one of her old stripper costumes with those awful platform heels. Yuck. -CS

  11. Lola Magnolia February 27, 2008 at 2:32 pm #

    I can’t stand those awards shows anymore. The only thing I look forward to are the post- fashion shows where Joan and Melissa Rivers bash the women who look like they crawled out of a paper bag wearing some rag that cost 50 cents to make and $15,000 on the rack. It’s also fun to watch Joan Rivers insult the people to their faces, lol.

    I was under the impression that they weren’t doing the fashion disaster shows any longer. Now it’s stupid awful Lisa Rinna and her smashed face. -CS

  12. Backpacker Momma February 28, 2008 at 9:27 pm #

    Did you realize that in the “in memory of” section they left out Brad Renfro?

    I did notice that and thought it was in poor taste. Poor little Brad Renfro and his family and all of his fans. -CS

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