I’ll Do You One Better

15 Feb

This morning a very special message was waiting for me in my inbox.  It was from a young lady in the Ivory Coast, the daughter of Boka Philomina, and she was asking for help.  You see, she needs someone to help her get her money out of the bank because she can’t do it alone.  It’s really an old story with a lot of mystery and intrigue and blah, blah, blah.  To find out more about Philomina, you can just click here and read her story.  I warn you, you might shed a tear or two.

I decided to write back.  Here’s what I sent to her:

Hi, Philomina. A friend of mine forwarded your email to me and I am very interested in helping you out. It sounds like you’re experiencing some very difficult times right now and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to help you out. My family and I share a deep dark secret, one that is as compelling as yours. As you have been open with me, I will now share my story with you:
My real name is Sophie Neveu. I was raised by my grandfather after my parents were killed in an automobile accident along with my brother and grandmama. My grandpapa would call me his “Princess Sophie” and showed me how to solve complicated puzzles. As a young girl, I accidentally uncovered a strange key in my grandpapa’s room that had the initials ‘P.S.” Later, when I was in University, I went to visit my grandpapa in Normandy and was horrified to see him participating in a terrible sex ritual. This led me to become estranged from my grandpapa.
A few years ago, my grandpapa was found murdered in the Louvre with cryptic symbols surrounding his naked body. I partnered with an American professor, Robert Langdon, to uncover the truth behind the terrible murder. In our investigation we uncovered something that would rock the Catholic Church to it’s very core. We discovered evidence that Jesus Christ had married Mary Magdalene and they had a child together. Mary and the child survived and went to France after the death of Jesus Christ. A group of individuals who called themselves the Priory of Scion was charged with protecting their identities and this secret from the world. The last phase of our investigation led us to make one final incredible discovery: I am a direct descendant of that bloodline.
I had to change my name and leave my home country after receiving death threats from people around the world. Unfortunately, I have had to leave all of my belongings and loved ones behind because of the controversy of the information we uncovered. I currently live in a small trailer park in Tuscaloosa, AL and work as a waitress in a small diner. I am waiting to find someone that can help me gain access to my assets in France. I too would be willing to give them a portion of my money if they can help me.
If you find someone here in the United States that is willing to help you, please let me know. Perhaps they would be able to help me as well.
Sincerely, Catherinette Singleton

Gosh, I sure do hope she writes back!

20 Responses to “I’ll Do You One Better”

  1. Ginormous Boobs February 15, 2008 at 7:45 pm #

    I sure do heart fucking with people!

    It definitely brings joy to my heart. -CS

  2. Write Procrastinator February 15, 2008 at 7:47 pm #

    Wow…that’s quite a story. I’d bet it would make an even better movie.

    Why, I’m seeing Britney Spears as Sophie, because she has the depth and focus that such a role would require. How about Keanu Reeves as the Professor and Triumph, The Insult Comic as the Albino, right? All of this will be directed by Ron Jeremy, of course.

    Are you seein’ Oscar? Because I sure am. No, wait…I think that was a bad doughnut. Urp, yeah, a bad beignet.

    Triumph would totally take the Oscar for his portrayal of Silas! It would be so great for him, to say the following as he lays dying in a pool of blood:

    I’ve done it all for you. It’s been the greatest gift. . .FOR ME TO POOP ON! -CS

  3. Diane Mandy February 15, 2008 at 7:59 pm #

    Hillarious as always!

    It’s a true story! -CS

  4. Amadeo February 15, 2008 at 8:22 pm #

    In light of all these developments I would like to reveal somethings:

    I am:
    Your Father
    The last hope of mankind
    The last son of krypton
    Batman
    A man baby!!!

    for further explantion I’ll need a routing and account number from you bank. After which I’ll save the entire world and then leave you in charge.

    I’ll immediately send you my routing number and account number. I need to find out the rest of this compelling story! -CS

  5. Mike February 15, 2008 at 8:41 pm #

    Now that was classic.

    I try. -CS

  6. Not Carrie Bradshaw February 15, 2008 at 8:48 pm #

    God, I HATED that book but this made me like it!

    Did you really? I freaking LOVED it! I thought it was GOLD! The movie, on the other hand, sucked dead puppies. What a piece of total crap! How on earth could they think that Tom Hanks could play a suave guy. F that! -CS

  7. Step Right Up February 15, 2008 at 9:13 pm #

    I once responded back to one of those emails. I never did get a reply. Do you think your chances are higher of getting a reply if she is a Catholic, Christian, or Atheist?

    I really hope that I get a response. It would be so freaking AWESOME! -CS

  8. Guv'ner February 15, 2008 at 9:32 pm #

    Awesome! :):) there’s probably some totally confused Nigerian scratching his head going “Dees Americans are BONKERS.”

    You never know. Perhaps they think it might be an opportunity for them to help someone. Plus don’t forget that I told them I was French. -CS

  9. teri February 15, 2008 at 11:56 pm #

    You’ve read “The DaVinci Code” one too many times. but hey, what a great email to send her.

    Are you saying that once is too many times? -CS

  10. teri February 15, 2008 at 11:57 pm #

    I hate when I don’t read other peoples messages before I post………..

    It happens to all of us from time to time. -CS

  11. tabbie February 16, 2008 at 12:31 am #

    Brilliance.

    Merci! -CS

  12. Magnolia Sun February 16, 2008 at 12:40 am #

    That was too funny, I get those emails all the time too.

    Do you really? This is the first one that I’ve ever gotten. Usually I just get emails about Rolexes and penis enlargement. -CS

  13. leonesse February 16, 2008 at 12:46 am #

    I am hoping that the recipient was laughing their ass off. That thought makes it even better.

    If only I had a way to record their response. -CS

  14. pistols at dawn February 16, 2008 at 1:37 am #

    Thanks for making me realize I’m a huge f-ing nerd.

    I started reading this and thought you were going to go the “pretending to be Anastasia, the missing Romanov” route, and then you went all Dan Brown.

    I still hate that book. “Langdon woke up in his hotel room, and picked up a flyer identifying himself and his area of expertise because I suck at introducing characters. ‘Apparently, I’m a superbrilliant Harvard semiologist,’ Langdon thought to himself, like people are always just picking up PR materials about themselves like that.” Suck it, Brown.

    I’m here for you, and if that means making you open your eyes to realize that you’re a nerd, then so be it.

    The writing was pretty bad but the story was so good! What really ruined everything was casting Tom Hanks! No! He is not now, nor will he ever be a heart throb. Not. Ever. -CS

  15. Sophie February 16, 2008 at 6:54 am #

    I agree. Dan Brown is a bad bad author. However the idea and concept of the Da Vinci code was awesome! Now if only it could have been written by someone wit a modicum of talent!

    Thank God that John Grisham didn’t write it. Could you freaking imagine?? -CS

  16. Koree February 16, 2008 at 8:45 am #

    Sounds like you and I have similar backgrounds you know. VMy father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy… the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess in the insane lament. My childhood was typical… summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds… pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. You know its all molded me into who I am today. Hopefully you can wire me all your cash pronto.

    Throw me a freaking bone here! -CS

  17. the princess February 16, 2008 at 5:13 pm #

    Now that was the best story ever…how could she not help you? Should make her forget about her own problems for a while.

    You are the best–love it!

    The crazy thing is that she hasn’t bothered to respond. Bitch! -CS

  18. simple mindz February 16, 2008 at 6:35 pm #

    Oh man, I need to do that when I get those emails!

    Feel free to copy and paste and claim it as your own. If, however, you get money out of the deal, I want a cut! -CS

  19. Alison February 19, 2008 at 10:10 am #

    freakin hilarious!!!!

    I’m delighted that my bad judgement amuses you. -CS

  20. Single Girl March 3, 2008 at 7:51 am #

    Shut up!

    You are too funny. I’ve always wanted to respond to those asshats but always just hit delete instead…

    BTW, I stumbled upon your blog tonight for the first time (how have I missed this?!) and you my dear are hilarious, and I’d like say I hate you now because I have about, oh I dunno, 627 things I need to do tonight, and none of them are going to be done because I’m reading your posts instead

    🙂

    And well, since I can’t find your email, I’ll just have to come out and ask you here if you’d be interested in doing a link swap? Like a wife swap, but less crazy… check it out, let me know!

    SGitC

    Welcome, welcome, welcome! You’re in for a super treat that will include a whole lot of mocking and some really magical encounters with boys (all 2 of them). Hope you managed a quick nap before having to get up this morning.

    Look for an email from me. . .

    -CS

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