My Dream Date with Pistols @ Dawn

1 Feb

He’s everyone’s hero: The guy that every girl needs to know and every damsel in distress’s worst nightmare. Other men want to be him and naive girls with poor judgement and low self esteem will fall prey to his prowess, and I get to meet up with him for dinner (please let me be one of those girls!).  I’m having dinner with Mr. Cool himself, Pistols @ Dawn.

Hmm. . .will I change my last name when we get married?

  • Catherinette @ Dawn.
  • Mrs. Catherinette @ Dawn.
  • Mrs.  Pistols @ Dawn.
  • Mrs. Catherinette Singleton-@ Dawn.
  • Maybe I’ll just keep my last name.

5:45: Crap, I have to leave my house in 15 minutes if I’m going to get there on time. What should I wear? White long sleeve shirt, jeans, and boots.

5:49: No, I don’t like this outfit-not enough cleavage. How about this green shirt?

5:51: Too much cleavage. If I show up wearing this he’s going to start throwing dollar bills at me. Then again, I could use the extra cash.

5:52: Let’s go with this shirt, just the right amount of cleavage. Now for the shoes. Boots? No boots. How about heels? But what if it snows later. I got it! The heels with tread on the bottom.

6:00: Perfect. Except for the hair. What’s with the hair? Looks like a small bird has decided to nest there. Oh well, time’s up. I gotta go. He’ll just have to get over it.

6:02: Maybe I should have stuck with the green shirt to detract from the rat’s nest on top of my head.

6:15:  Gotta leave a message for Lola-just in case he’s a serial killer and I disappear.  “Hey, Lola!  It’s Catherinette.  I’m off to meet Pistols @ Dawn for dinner.  If I die, his name and number are on my cellphone and you can have my new red coat.  Tell my niece and nephew I always loved them.  I’ll call you when I’m on my way home-if he doesn’t kill me.”

6:20: What the hell is up with all this GD traffic?!  I’m getting angry.  I’m going to be late and I hate being late.

6:25: I have a superb idea!  I’ll text him while I’m stuck at one of these stupid red lights and let him know that I’m running late.

6:26: How is it possible that I’m hitting another red light?

6:27: And another?

6:28: And 6 more.  Freaking red lights.

6:30: I am officially late.  I hate myself.

6:32: Score!  There’s a parking spot right in front of the restaurant.  Now, if I can only manage to parallel park. . .

6:35:Okay, now where’s that George Clooney look-a-like?  That guy at the end of the bar is waving to someone behind me? [Turn to look around] No, wait, he’s waving to me.  Wait a second, he doesn’t look like George Clooney.

6:38: Wow, that was really smooth of him to knock down the entire container of salt.  Talk about “game”!  I think I might swoon.

6:39: Ha ha, a Mexican joke about lawn mowing.  I haven’t heard that one (100 times in the last week).

6:43: I think I’ll order a salad and eat like a bird so he thinks that I’m all healthy and physically fit.

6:44: Like eating a salad is going to hide the fact that I have concealed muffin top and back fat.

6:45:Screw it!  I’m going for meat wrapped in meat with fattening sauce on top.  Mmm. . .meaty bacony goodness.  A burger?  He’s having a burger when he could have bacon wrapped filet?  Maybe this marriage isn’t going to work.

7:00: The woman at the table next to us is eyeing Pistols up and down.  She’s flirting with him but he’s not noticing because he’s whispering to his glass of booze.  I can’t quite make out what he’s saying but it sounds like “you’re mine tonight.”

7:10:She just whispered something to her friend.  Wait now she’s getting up and she’s sticking her ass in his face!  What the hell is she?  A dog greeting a new friend.  The dirty, bitch!  “Usually I have to pay for that,” he says.  BWAHAHAHA!!  I manage to swallow my drink instead of releasing it through my nose.  Good one!  The dirty bitch chuckles too.  As she walks away, I see her do the “call me sign” by raising her forefinger and pinky up to her ear.  I don’t think he notices because her hand is not anywhere close to my cleavage-where his eyes are currently located.

7:15: Christ, what the hell is he doing with his glass?  He’s not supposed to be licking the inside of the glass.  That’s gross.  He’s whispering to it again.  Should I leave them alone for a second?

7:17:Oh look, another Mexican joke.  Yes, I have heard that Mexicans drive low riders so they can pick lettuce as they go.  Funny.  Hardee har har.

7:45: Hey there, sailor.  My eyes are up here.

7:53: Wonder if he’s planning on making eye contact any time soon?

8:03:I can only imagine what would have happened if I had worn the green shirt.  I have an image of him sailing across the table and motorboating me.

8:18: We’ve inhaled our food and I need another drink-or 12 if I’m going to catch up to him.  Let’s go to this nice out of the way bar.  It’s quiet there (plus they have stools that vibrate and I could use that right now).

8:32: God freaking damn it, someone is sitting on the stool I want.  Bastard!  Wait a second, he’s kind of hot.  I might have to go and make friends with him later.

8:48:The barstool thief is giving me the eye.  He wants me. . .to stop staring at him.  That’s hot.

9:15: Wait a second.  I think I’m drunk.  No, I know I’m drunk.  Christ, I have no tolerance.  I will now attempt to sit here and pretend to not be drunk.  This is going really well.  Why is the bar starting to spin?

9:19: People are so funny when I’m drunk!!

9:30:I’m going to fall off of this (non-vibrating) barstool in a second.  Why is he looking at the mirror?  Did he just wink at himself?  Yes, yes he did.  Now he’s caressing his cheek in the mirror!

9:45: He’s totally ignoring me AND my cleavage!  Damn it, I should have worn the green shirt.  Hello?  I’m over here!!

9:52:Enough about stuff he wants to talk about, like booze and broken women.  Let’s talk about Tila Tequila!  No, wait, that’s the same topic.  He’ll totally love this.

9:55:How has he never seen Tila Tequila?  What’s wrong with him?  Then let’s talk about more dysfunction.  This one has strippers in it: Rock of Love.

10:14: What does he mean he doesn’t watch television?  What the hell is wrong with him?  What on earth would we do together if we weren’t watching television?  This is really disappointing.  The marriage is off.  I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to watch useless things on television with me.  That’s what a relationship is all about.  That and broken promises.

10:30: He’s looking over my shoulder and pretending to talk to someone that’s not there.  I stare blankly at him.  I think I’m starting to sober up.

10:34:After winking at himself in the mirror and making a joke to my right shoulder, he has fallen out of his barstool.  Not sure how to handle that right now.  I know, I’ll just stare blankly at him.

10:40: Is he getting up?  He’s asleep!  How could he fall asleep??  I wasn’t even talking about handbags or shoes!  Christ, I’m not that boring!

10:45:That’s it.  If he doesn’t wake up after 5 minutes of me kicking him in the kidney with my high heeled foot.  I’m out.  Oh, and would you look at that?  Barstool hotty is walking out too.  Sure, I’d love it if he walked me to my car.

11:15: What is it about a man with a Mustang?

11:34: How is it that I find myself making out in yet another car?  So much for my New Year’s Resolution.

12:30am: My phone is ringing.  Screw it.  I’m not answering it when Mr. New Mustang is so fiery hot and breathing on my neck.

12:35:  He said he’d call me!  This is it!  The beginning of something special.  I can feel it.

28 Responses to “My Dream Date with Pistols @ Dawn”

  1. cinnkitty February 1, 2008 at 8:05 pm #

    Damn IT CS… WHERE is the mention of “Slapped Pistols on the ass.. per Cinnkitty’s request”…..

    Why don’t you people do what I tell you to do?? Yeesh…I’m gonna have to jack the mind control dial up a few notches….

    I didn’t get your text until AFTER I left!! That’s why I didn’t get his ass slapped! I couldn’t exactly run back in and slap him on the ass when he was passed out on the floor! -CS

  2. pistols at dawn February 1, 2008 at 8:17 pm #

    First of all, you have hair? Totally didn’t notice.

    Also, I had a clash of desires: to eat bacon-wrapped steak whenever possible vs. not wanting to order the same thing someone else just did. I do regret that decision. Not the drinking too much and staring at your boobs decisions, though.

    And lastly, it wasn’t so much “asleep” as it was “in a coma-like state.” Thanks for leaving random old dude to resuscitate me, by the way. He said you kept pushing him away, saying I’d misplaced my DNR bracelet, but I’d always said to you that under no circumstances did I want to be resuscitated. I guess that move doesn’t work like it used to.

    Still, baby, we’ll always have 9:15 to 9:19, when I was hilarious and somewhat focused on you, right? I bet Mr. Mustang can’t give you four good minutes like that – even if I include the time it takes him to get his acid washed jeans off.

    It really was the most magical night of my life. I’ve never had another night quite like it and don’t think that anything will ever compare. Not ever. Those 4 minutes really were incredible and I’ll remember them forever. . .because I can’t quite figure out how to block them out.

    You had me at, “Are those puppies real?” -CS

  3. teri February 1, 2008 at 8:45 pm #

    you two will be married within a month. mark my words.

    If that’s the case, you can be the maid of honor. How about that? -CS

  4. gnugs February 1, 2008 at 8:56 pm #

    Loved it, Catherinette. The best laugh since… well yesterday, when I read P@D’s accounting.

    Anyone up to starting a pool? I’m down for $40 on “married after 5 year reunion, or chance encounter in Vegas.”

    Hmm. . .if there’s a pool then Pistols and I should totally get in on it and then put you guys all down in shame. Then we can run to Vegas and gamble all our winnings away. -CS

  5. suze February 1, 2008 at 9:10 pm #

    You mean Pistols doesn’t look like George Clooney. Whoa – now I’m disappointed.

    He looks just like him, you just need to squint your eyes, and tilt your head just so. Oh, and you also need a little bit of an imagination and some Jack Daniels. -CS

  6. Del-v February 1, 2008 at 9:19 pm #

    Where can I find a bacon wrapped filet?!?!?!

    It’s at Mama’s on the Half Shell in Canton Square. It is freaking fabulous. You have to go immediately if not sooner. -CS

  7. Mike February 1, 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    LMAO. Next time we need pictures.

    We’ll take a whole video crew with us next time. -CS

  8. tabbie February 1, 2008 at 10:25 pm #

    ummm… I hope he didn’t realy fall asleep. Also, you should always go for maximum cleavage when not at work. Or at your gramma’s house.

    According to him, he wasn’t asleep, he was in a coma. Whatever, his eyes were closed, same difference. -CS

  9. Guv'ner February 1, 2008 at 10:29 pm #

    Nice retalliation, ladygirl! 🙂

    And thanks for the fact that I also now have the image of him sailing over the table and motorboating you. I was EATING as well.

    I’m here for you. You let me know the next time you want me to give you some wonderful imagery the next time you’re eating. -CS

  10. Infamous JP February 1, 2008 at 11:01 pm #

    Ooh I can’t wait to hear the announcement that Pistols is going to be on the The Next Shot at Love and you are letting Bret Michaels motorboat you on Rock of Love 4, Search for More Cleavage.

    It would be my dream come true to make out with someone that’s had as much work done as he has. I wonder if it’s like kissing a Barbie Doll. . .not that I know what that would be like. -CS

  11. The Idea Of Progress February 1, 2008 at 11:51 pm #

    That is precisely how our date would probably go.

    Yours and mine or yours and his? -CS

  12. rebecca February 2, 2008 at 1:40 am #

    I don’t know what motorboat means. I just tried googling it and looking at the urbandictionary definition but was informed that my admin people do not allow me to look at “Tasteless and Offensive” websites. It’s weird because they do let me read Pistols’s blog.

    Hmm. . .very strange that they won’t let you go to that site. Okay, here’s what it means. It’s when someone sticks there head in your chest and then. . .umm. . .makes a ppppphtt sound with their mouth and moves their head back and forth.

    Yeah, that makes zero sense. -CS

  13. cupofcoffey February 2, 2008 at 1:43 am #

    I don’t know whether to admire you or hate you. You lived the Pistols night I’ve fantasized about for months. It always goes EXACTLY like that … except I wear the green shirt.

    Brilliant post.

    For your safety and the safety of those around you, do not wear the green shirt. -CS

  14. Amadeo February 2, 2008 at 1:45 am #

    I’m very fond of motorboatin’ I think it should be a viable form of greeting. “Nice to meet you…brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….”

    Oh I hope we start my Monday morning meeting that way! -CS

  15. Grant Miller, Esq. February 2, 2008 at 3:07 am #

    So, how did he cover his horns and tail in public?

    He wore a matching cape and Viking hat. It was really something magical. -CS

  16. simple mindz February 2, 2008 at 4:32 am #

    Too funny. He’s just Mr. Perfect huh? Hahahaha…

    All the girls want someone like him. -CS

  17. OutofPractice February 2, 2008 at 4:36 am #

    Having not had a date in over 20 years (the result of a long marriage with a court date set for May) this scares the patooties out of me!! And the green shirt wouldn’t even work for me! I mean, my DAD is sending me a book about how to date. Please tell me it won’t be like this every time!! I’m not that funny.

    That’s what parents are for. My mom keeps trying to get me to sign up for all sorts of dating services. It’s her way of being supportive. I’ll pass. -CS

  18. Leonesse February 2, 2008 at 8:58 am #

    Next time you wear that damn green shirt, then pick his pocket when you slap him on the ass. He will never notice.

    Now that’s a brilliant idea! -CS

  19. WendyB February 2, 2008 at 11:40 pm #

    No pictures?!?!?

    Not this time. I swear we’ll bring a whole camera crew the next time. Maybe you’ll even see some of the pics on TMZ or Inside Edition. -CS

  20. Write Procrastinator February 3, 2008 at 12:21 am #

    “Motorboating?”

    What a disgusting and degrading term…

    …I prefer “yodeling in the canyon.”

    I’m so sorry to offend you in such a tasteless way. Yodeling in the canyon is far classier. -CS

  21. Charissa February 3, 2008 at 1:09 am #

    Jesus Christ. You have the strangest dates…

    Wait. Are you saying that I have the strangest dates or Jesus does? Or are you calling me Jesus? -CS

  22. the princess February 3, 2008 at 7:31 am #

    that was perfect…totally funny

    Glad you were amused. It makes me happy that other people find laughter in my moments of humiliation. -CS

  23. Lola Magnolia February 3, 2008 at 4:24 pm #

    So you sucked face with someone who constantly checked himself out in a mirror, talked to his glass and paid more attention to your cleavage than to you?!

    Man, I’m so happy I’ve decided not to date. 😉

    Glad you had a good time! Heh.

    No, no, Lola, you missed it. We did not make out. He was passed out on the floor and so I left with the guy on the vibrating stool. -CS

  24. pistols at dawn February 4, 2008 at 12:24 am #

    I guess some people just have different definitions of the word “magic.” Mine is when I make things (like women) disappear.

    I’m a very good magician.

    And you can do that without wearing a cape or top hat! It’s really an incredible talent that you have. -CS

  25. Dale February 4, 2008 at 5:08 am #

    Four minutes is lots of time for many things no?

    And in some cases, it’s far too long for other things. -CS

  26. Princess Extraoridinaire February 4, 2008 at 6:55 pm #

    I can’t wait for the next hook up – this was too fun!

    Maybe we’ll have to start a little series. All for you people out there in the blogosphere. -CS

  27. Amadeo February 4, 2008 at 6:55 pm #

    Catherinette is semi-famous!….in the Baltimore area!….and perhaps surrounding counties!

    Go, me! -CS

  28. Glassowater February 5, 2008 at 1:34 am #

    Cripes, this sounds awfully familiar…did we date back in my drinking days?
    Another excellent post…sat here at work giggling my ass off….

    Maybe secretly you were at dinner with us. -CS

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