My Dirty Crush

23 Jan

People, I’m about to throw something out there into the blogosphere that I know I will never be able to take back.  It’s time the world knows the truth: I am kind of drawn to Tommy Lee.  I know, I know.  Some of you are exceptionally disappointed in me and wonder if we can still be friends and others are thinking, “she’s gone off her meds again.”  Trust me, that’s not the case. 

Come on, people, look at him, he’s kind of dirty hot.  Admit it.

tommy_lee.jpg

I promise that I’m not planning on stalking him and I swear I’ll never mention it again or date anyone that looks anything like him.  I’m too innocent and clean to be with someone so dirty hot.  Besides, there are 3 main reasons why I would never touch him if I had the chance:

  1. I like being Hep free.  Seriously, I totally pass on the Hep C infection.  He and Pam can just keep it to themselves.
  2. I don’t want to be split in 2 by his absurdly ginormous manhood.  Tommy Lee is a freak of nature.  Sure, I’d like to see it live and in person, but I don’t want to have to touch it or have it come near me.  Kind of like a King Cobra.  I’d like to be able to say I saw one once, but not that I touched it-or that it tried to wrap itself around me and strangle me.
  3. He has Pamela Anderson cooties.  She is the skankiest woman on the face of the earth.  Frankly, I’m surprised that his junk hasn’t shriveled up and fallen off of his body.  I just envision her being like one of the Aliens-full of green acid that melts everything.  She scares me.

20 Responses to “My Dirty Crush”

  1. Cooper Green January 23, 2008 at 9:33 pm #

    Ugh. Looks like he fell asleep under a tree and got vandalized.

    NO! Come on, now! He looks nothing like that. He just looks a little bit. . .haggard. -CS

  2. pistols at dawn January 23, 2008 at 9:53 pm #

    Wow. I don’t think I would ever have admitted it, but instead would have held it deep down where only bad things grow.

    Like the clap? -CS

  3. [Cherry] Ride January 23, 2008 at 10:12 pm #

    I get the whole “dirty/ugly sexy” thing in general, but Tommy Lee is Gross. Sorry. But kudos for sharing your secret with the world!

    Come on, it could have been worse. What if I had said I had a crush on Kenny Rogers? -CS

  4. Magnolia Sun January 23, 2008 at 10:42 pm #

    I have to admit I think the same thing – I also think Nikki Sixx is too, just as dirty as Tommy.

    You’ll be delighted to know that you can check out Nicki Sixx’s junk too! He was featured in Edward Penishands, and has the starring role. I know this because I own the movie on VHS-thanks to Claude who gave it to me as a birthday present. Nicki is not quite as endowed as Tommy is. -CS

  5. cinnkitty January 23, 2008 at 10:53 pm #

    Ewwwwwwwwww…..!!!!!!!!

    I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth! blech…

    Oh CS.. how could you??? ;P

    Did it make you feel like you were watching Cloverfield all over again? -CS

  6. Amadeo January 23, 2008 at 11:44 pm #

    I disagree with the last one…Carmen Elektra takes that prize. I mean Dennis Rodman alone….

    You really think that Carmen Elektra is skankier than Pamela “I’ve married Tommy Lee twice, have a stipper pole in my bedroom, and have done the dirty with Kid Rock” Anderson? I beg to differ. -CS

  7. the princess January 24, 2008 at 12:09 am #

    naw, I believe that everyone has their “secret scanky love”. you are certainly entitled to yours as well. thank you for admitting it for the amusment of others though…lol

    Someone has to take the first step and make it okay for everyone else to admit their skanky secret crushes. -CS

  8. the princess January 24, 2008 at 12:10 am #

    oops! skanky, sorry

    I knew what you meant. -CS

  9. Del-v January 24, 2008 at 12:10 am #

    Pam Anderson was awesome in Borat. If I wasn’t scared $h!tless of hep-c I’d bang her. I doubt she would did me thought because I don’t look like a douchebag.

    It would be like hotdog in a hallway in there. I think you’d even here an echo. You could probably just move yourself and your entire family into her vast no-no bits. -CS

  10. Amadeo January 24, 2008 at 12:27 am #

    Here’s Carmen’s list:
    Prince
    B-Real (from Cypress Hill)
    Dennis Rodman
    Tommy Lee
    Dave Navarro
    (and those are just the famous ones)

    Plus she has her own brand of stripping pole for sale and Aerobic strip tease DVD’s.

    Keep in mind I am in no way saying Pamela is cleaner then you think…just that Carmen is even skankier then her. If she tried to touch my dangly bits I’d scream rape.

    Someone just had to ask me what was so funny. I immediately told them to leave me alone.

    I’m sorry, I still think that Pam is worse than Carmen Elektra. You can get an STD just by standing within spitting distance of Pamela Anderson. -CS

  11. Andrew January 24, 2008 at 12:30 am #

    Carmen’s not far behind – Prince, Dennis Rodman and Dave Navarro. And has produced a line of Stripperobics videos. And rode a sybian on Howard Stern according to google..

    Pamelas looking like life has caught up with her these days, none of the gossip rags (nor herself apparently) can decide if she’s married or not (or pregnant for that matter).

    I’m starting to get worried. You and Amadeo seem to know a little too much about Carmen and her escapades. -CS

  12. the Idea Of Progress January 24, 2008 at 4:48 am #

    He just looks like a nasty inked up greaseball to me. No wonder why he learned to play the drums. Ech.

    You’re just jealous. -CS

  13. Rachel January 24, 2008 at 7:11 am #

    I would do him…shhhhh

    We should start our own club. -CS

  14. anger hangover January 24, 2008 at 8:11 am #

    Um, I have had the same dirty crush for quite some time and I really don’t know why. I mean, I’m a big ol’ lez. Besides, Nikki Sixx always had the best hair in the band, yet Tommy Lee gives me that special tingle in my No No places. WHY????

    He just oozes sex appeal. He can’t help himself. Maybe the hep c/tattoo combo increases testosterone production. -CS

  15. Guv'ner January 25, 2008 at 12:11 am #

    I was going to comment but I had to run off to de-louse from the nasty.

    Do you feel all clean or do you feel like it got up under your skin? -CS

  16. tabbie January 25, 2008 at 4:17 am #

    I saw him once- upcloseandpersonal. He was backstage at a music festival, riding one of those fancy scooter things you just stand on and they go… What the ef are they called?
    Anywho, he was riding one around and got a drink from the bar.
    THEN Kelly Osbourne came and sat right near me & my friends on the grass back stage. My friend Carrie and I dared him to go bum a smoke from her- we’d give him a dollar to do it. So he did.
    Brave little effer, he was.

    I need more details. Did he looked as plastic in person? Or did he look even worse? Tell me about the hair weave! -CS

  17. tabbie January 25, 2008 at 4:18 am #

    to clarify, the ‘him’ that was bumming a smoke was Carrie’s little brother Peter, who I prefer to call ‘Little Peter’.

    How about calling him Lit’l Petey? Bet he’d love that. -CS

  18. Grant Miller, Esq. January 26, 2008 at 2:47 am #

    I heard he has an enormous capacity for love.

    I have heard (seen) the same thing. -CS

  19. simple mindz January 27, 2008 at 7:57 pm #

    I think he IS dirty hawt…And I would LOVE to be with a guy that looked like that! Tats and all.

    I don’t know if I’d actually take him out in public, though it would be super to bring him home for a family dinner. I can only imagine what my mother would do if she saw us together. -CS

  20. Write Procrastinator January 28, 2008 at 8:36 am #

    Just have him steer the boat like that video.

    The thought frightens me. -CS

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