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Protected: More “That’s What She Said”

23 Jan

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My Dirty Crush

23 Jan

People, I’m about to throw something out there into the blogosphere that I know I will never be able to take back.  It’s time the world knows the truth: I am kind of drawn to Tommy Lee.  I know, I know.  Some of you are exceptionally disappointed in me and wonder if we can still be friends and others are thinking, “she’s gone off her meds again.”  Trust me, that’s not the case. 

Come on, people, look at him, he’s kind of dirty hot.  Admit it.


I promise that I’m not planning on stalking him and I swear I’ll never mention it again or date anyone that looks anything like him.  I’m too innocent and clean to be with someone so dirty hot.  Besides, there are 3 main reasons why I would never touch him if I had the chance:

  1. I like being Hep free.  Seriously, I totally pass on the Hep C infection.  He and Pam can just keep it to themselves.
  2. I don’t want to be split in 2 by his absurdly ginormous manhood.  Tommy Lee is a freak of nature.  Sure, I’d like to see it live and in person, but I don’t want to have to touch it or have it come near me.  Kind of like a King Cobra.  I’d like to be able to say I saw one once, but not that I touched it-or that it tried to wrap itself around me and strangle me.
  3. He has Pamela Anderson cooties.  She is the skankiest woman on the face of the earth.  Frankly, I’m surprised that his junk hasn’t shriveled up and fallen off of his body.  I just envision her being like one of the Aliens-full of green acid that melts everything.  She scares me.

Add It Up

23 Jan

For some years in school, math was my best subject.  Right up until we got into the word problems and the 2nd semester of geometry.  Here’s the thing, I know that the train that’s going the fastest is going to get to the station first, the slow train sucks and I’m not getting on it.  There.  End of problem.  Working with addition and subtraction is easy, I don’t mind the numbers.

This all ended when I got out into the real world and had to manage my own expenses.  Good God, what a freaking cluster.  Balance a checkbook?  No thank you, I pass.  Oh would you look at that!  Another negative balance in my bank account!  Whopee!!  Oh, and yes, please charge me more fees for that negative balance.  Good times, good times.  At some point last year it occurred to me that over the years I’ve probably spent enough money on fees to take a first class trip somewhere and I made the decision to manage my finances better than I had been (let’s be honest, I totally hadn’t been managing anything).

So the joys of working with a budget started on January 1st.  I stumbled upon the coolest website that tracks everything for me and let’s me know when I’ve spent too much: Expense View.  The only thing the website doesn’t do is slap me in the face and take my wallet from me.  Here we are in the 23rd day of the New Year and I have managed to write down every little thing that I’ve spent.  Somehow, I have already managed to spend over $2500.  If you subtract out my mortgage, utilities, car, etc. it means that I’ve spent about $500 on “entertainment” and “dining”.  That’s a lot of fucking money for going to the movies and dining out.  Oh well, at least I haven’t bounced anything yet. 

Note to self: buy cheaper entrees.

Protected: The Magic Kingdom

23 Jan

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