My “Magical” Night

10 Jan

1:30 AM: I have to pee. I really have to pee. I stumble out of bed and stagger down the hallway to the bathroom. I flip the light switch. The stupid bulb has burned out. Fine. I can pee without turning on the light. I fumble with the strings on my pajama bottoms and end up making a huge knot. Note to self: wear night shirts from here on out. I really have to pee. I can’t get my freaking pants off. Damn it. I’m going to pee myself if I don’t get the knot undone. I’m too tired to try to fight the knot much longer. But wait! What is this I see? A pair of scissors. Perfect! I cut the knot out. My pajama pants are ruined.

Relief. Damn it. I forgot to get the new roll of toilet paper out of the closet. I have 2 squares left. Damn it. Fuck it. It’s too late to worry about it and I’ve already ruined my pajama pants. Note to self: bring two rolls of toilet paper into the bathroom and put the spare in the cabinet. I wash my hands and walk back to my bathroom. I trip over my shoe that’s in the doorway. Note to self: pick up shoes and put them in the closet. I get back in bed and try to go back to sleep. It’s 1:42.

1:49 AM: Why the fuck is the toilet still running? I’ll just wait another minute to see if it stops. Note to self: call the plumber to get the toilet fixed.

1:52 AM: I get up and stomp down the hallway to the bathroom. I flip the switch to turn on the light. Oh, right, the bulb burned out. Note to self: change the light bulb in the bathroom. Stomp back down the hall and jump back into bed. The toilet finally stops running. It’s 1:53.

2:00 AM: I can’t go back to sleep. Turn over to face wall and make resolution to never ever drink liquids again so I can avoid this nonsense in the future.

2:03 AM: The dog is breathing on me. I pretend to ignore him and hope he goes away. It doesn’t work, he starts pawing at the bed. Throw back the covers, stomp down the stairs, and let the dog out. I sit at the kitchen table and curse him for making me get out of bed. He starts to bark. I open the door and start calling him to come in. He looks at me, then runs into the corner of the yard and starts barking again. God damn him. I get some dog biscuits to lure him back in. It doesn’t work, he won’t come in. I put on my shoes and go grab him by the collar to get him back inside the house. I close the door and he stares at me-he wants his dog biscuit. I climb up the stairs and get back into bed. It’s 2:37.

2:49 AM: I have to pee. Again.

26 Responses to “My “Magical” Night”

  1. Mike January 10, 2008 at 3:09 pm #

    LMAO. What a great night. Better you than me though.

    Oh yeah, it was AWESOME! -CS

  2. cinnkitty January 10, 2008 at 3:10 pm #

    One more reason that kitties are superior!! They have indoor litter boxes and don’t require waking us up to take care of their needs. ;D

    So…did you wipe with the pajama bottoms?? Because that’s what I’m thinking… since they were ruined anyway..ha..ha.ha…

    Good point about the litter boxes. I’d consider litter box training my dog, but he’s a St. Bernard and I’m not dealing with that. I’d have to build him a custom litter box. F that, he can just go outin the yard.

    There’s this magical thing called “washing one’s self with soap and water.” It totally works. I did, however, consider drip drying or just pulling up my pants and going back to bed. -CS

  3. Infamous JP January 10, 2008 at 3:45 pm #

    It’s better than waking up in strangers house at 2 o’clock not knowing where the bathroom is, going outside to pee and then getting locked out with your phone and keys to your car inside all warm and cozy.

    I love the fact that no one would open the door for you. That’s funny to me. -CS

  4. Foxy Luv January 10, 2008 at 4:13 pm #

    When you got to the bit about not being able to get your PJ’s off, I thought the story was taking a Penthouse Forum turn and I was a little concerned.
    But I was happy to hear it was just another lame night at Chez Cath.

    Rock on!

    You give me way too much credit if you thought this was going down that road.

    And by the way, every night is a lame night at the Singleton home. -CS

  5. Vintage bunny January 10, 2008 at 4:15 pm #

    You need a long afternoon nap to make up for lost sleep!!!

    That’s what meetings are for. Yay! -CS

  6. Rambler January 10, 2008 at 4:30 pm #

    2:49 AM: I have to pee. Again.

    note to self: should have learnt from earlier mistake and the put the rolls out? 😀

    You’d think I would have learned. You are sorely mistaken. -CS

  7. Guv'ner January 10, 2008 at 4:48 pm #

    I know it’s wrong to laugh at one’s suffering but…HEE!

    If it makes you feel any better, the other night I also got up to pee, tripped over the humidifier, went arse over tit on the floor, got up again, slid on a stray sock (WTF?) and fell over again, stubbed my toe on the bathroom door and scratched my eye while I still had soap on my hands.

    Thank God we don’t live together you and I.

    I’m glad you shared because it totally made me feel better. 🙂 – CS

  8. Red January 10, 2008 at 4:59 pm #

    I have to pee _all the damn time_. I’m on drugs for this and everything, and I still monitor my fluid intake pretty carefully so that I can a) get home from work without wetting my pants (so I stop drinking fluids at the office at 3:30) and 2) sleep through the night if I’m lucky. I rarely drink any liquid after 7-7:30, but sometimes I’m still not lucky. I woke up at 5:40 am today, and didn’t have to pee, but was pretty thirsty. I stayed in bed, eventually overslept, and was 20 min late for work. Grr. Night before last I woke up at least twice. I feel your pain.

    What’s most annoying is that I used to be able to go hours without going. HOURS! Now I too stop drinking hours before I go to bed. It doesn’t work. I like to fool myself and just say it’s because I’m drinking so much water and it’s good for me. Who needs to be hydrated? It’s overrated. -CS

  9. [Cherry] Ride January 10, 2008 at 5:35 pm #

    Last time I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom was to vomit. So look at the brightside – it could have been worse, I guess.

    Thank you for that. -CS

  10. houstonsocialbutterfly January 10, 2008 at 5:52 pm #

    What’s up w/ the dogs wanting to play @ odd hours…my lil runt woke me up @ 5am!! That’s too damn early and now I feel so sleep deprived…..I could use a mid day siesta!

    He usually leaves me alone and I’m typically the one that wakes him up. If he starts up in the middle of the night, it means that I have to let him out, or he’s just going to do his dirty business on my carpet. -CS

  11. pistols at dawn January 10, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    You should go back into the past and get a chamberpot, saving yourself all the bathroom-related trouble.

    That, or do what I do and drink yourself into a stupor every night, because then I don’t wake up for anything. Even fire alarms.

    Good thing you have that plastic matress cover now. -CS

  12. talea January 10, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    This is a hilarious post. Mostly because I know how it feels. I haven’t had a night like that in a while (knock on wood), but it never fails that I will wake up between 4:12 and 4:21 AM and have to go to the bathroom.
    And I will have to get out of bed, go around the end of it, trip on the cord of the lamp that the boyfriend GENIUSLY put in my only path out of the bedroom. I have a permanent bruise on my right shin, cuz when I trip, I always fall against the bed frame.
    Permanent. He doesn’t seem to care.

    Consider beating him with that cord next time. Bet you he’ll start caring. -CS

  13. Rachel January 10, 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    Reading your post and the comments have successfully filled up my bladder. Thanks (giving you a nasty look right now, holding my vajajay).

    I usually pee right before I go to bed but doesn’t always guarantee a pee free night. I hate when I run out of toilet paper…I usually grab like tissues or something but still annoying.

    Well written post- had me laughing so hard I literally almost pee’d my panties.

    It would have been even funnier if you had actually peed your pants! Now that would have been something magical. -CS

  14. Diane Mandy January 10, 2008 at 7:03 pm #

    Your post makes me laugh for many reasons but expecially the part about your dog and trying to lure him back inside with a biscuit. Isn’t it amazing how our pet pick the worst times to do things on their terms?

    I’m just thankful that he didn’t have a bone hidden out in the yard. He would have been out there for hours. Come to think of it, I would have just left his ass out there if that had been the case. -CS

  15. cinnkitty January 10, 2008 at 9:05 pm #

    Peh! You and your paltry potty problems! (hee..hee… alliteration is my friend).

    I get up to potty at least.. AT LEAST 3 times a night and that’s a slow night. 🙂

    What I really hate is when I’ve moved into a new place and haven’t learned the layout yet, because I don’t turn any lights on for those trips!

    Which.. makes me very happy I DON’T have a man in my life because GOD forbid he leave the toilet seat up and my bare ass sits on the cold rim. There would be HELL to pay.. HELL I tell ya.

    Ahhh….the single life.. gotta love it. 🙂

    Oh the dreaded toilet seat being left up! That is the worst. When I was in college I had a boyfriend that would do that all the time. My roommates and I had to put a sign up above the toilet to remind him to put it back down. We had to do it-one of my roommates had fallen into the toilet twice. -CS

  16. Amadeo January 10, 2008 at 9:49 pm #

    See, when I have a late martini I tend to sleep right through those types of things…of course I have to pee pretty bad in the morning…and last time I was almost an hour late to work…meh…I’m out of olives anyway.

    You’re lucky. If I drink liquor I’m up twice the usual amount. It’s no fun. -CS

  17. Koree January 10, 2008 at 10:00 pm #

    i am praising my youthful bladder right now. makes me look fwd to the joys of years to come. woot.

    You just wait and see what happens. I’m telling you, I was golden up until about 2 years ago. Now I’m up every night at least once. You just wait. . . -CS

  18. Chardonnay January 10, 2008 at 11:19 pm #

    Haha! Nights like these are the reasons we shouldn’t have to wake up early, ever.

    Do you think I should try to bring this up to HR to try to get my schedule changed? -CS

  19. Mr. Fabulous January 11, 2008 at 2:31 am #

    You know what I love about you? You make me seem normal.

    Don’t ever change 🙂

    I’ll stay just the way I am because I am 2 good 2 be 4gotten! -CS

  20. MisstressM January 11, 2008 at 4:50 am #

    This is your best entry by far. i LOVE it.

    Glad you enjoyed it! -CS

  21. dontdatethatdude January 11, 2008 at 2:02 pm #

    Sounds like a typical night at my house. I stopped wearing pajama bottoms a long time ago!

    That’s a smart move on your part. We should all just say goodbye to pj bottoms. Goodbye forever. -CS

  22. Cooper Green January 11, 2008 at 4:09 pm #

    Hi, CS, thanks for visiting. Today’s better equipped homes are now being built with hidden tubing that connects to every bedroom, offering the weary hydrater / pisstank with a wide array of stylish and comfortable catheters that relieve them (literally) of the need to fear night emissions. In an existing home, I’m sure you can find one that hooks up to the built-in Beam vacuum. You should look into it.

    Perhaps my house doesn’t come with these cool features since it was built in the 50’s. Back then, people had to get up out of bed to use the toilet. . .unless they wanted to lie in their own filth. Dirty bastards! -CS

  23. Write Procrastinator January 11, 2008 at 4:34 pm #

    That many times in a couple of hours? Sounds like you have a problem with your prosta…

    nevermind.

    Thank god I don’t have one of those. Imagine trying to explain that on my next date. . . -CS

  24. Tabbie. Like Cabbie, with a T. January 11, 2008 at 5:36 pm #

    note to Catherinette: Get a doggy door. A really big one so’s your pup can fit through it.

    It would be cool to have, especially if I got locked out-I could always use it too. Then again, so could anyone as the dog is a huge beast. I might as well just leave the door open. -CS

  25. Calamity January 12, 2008 at 1:53 am #

    ROFL! I am so glad someone else has the same life I do!

    That’s what I’m here for! -CS

  26. Lola Magnolia January 14, 2008 at 11:05 am #

    I read somewhere that singer Sheryl Crow says that women only need ONE square to wipe with at a time so you should have had plenty.

    By the way, I get my damn pajama pants stuck in knots all the time, too.

    Sheryl Crow has problems. Remind me never to shake her hand if I meet her. -CS

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