Archive | 3:00 pm

My “Magical” Night

10 Jan

1:30 AM: I have to pee. I really have to pee. I stumble out of bed and stagger down the hallway to the bathroom. I flip the light switch. The stupid bulb has burned out. Fine. I can pee without turning on the light. I fumble with the strings on my pajama bottoms and end up making a huge knot. Note to self: wear night shirts from here on out. I really have to pee. I can’t get my freaking pants off. Damn it. I’m going to pee myself if I don’t get the knot undone. I’m too tired to try to fight the knot much longer. But wait! What is this I see? A pair of scissors. Perfect! I cut the knot out. My pajama pants are ruined.

Relief. Damn it. I forgot to get the new roll of toilet paper out of the closet. I have 2 squares left. Damn it. Fuck it. It’s too late to worry about it and I’ve already ruined my pajama pants. Note to self: bring two rolls of toilet paper into the bathroom and put the spare in the cabinet. I wash my hands and walk back to my bathroom. I trip over my shoe that’s in the doorway. Note to self: pick up shoes and put them in the closet. I get back in bed and try to go back to sleep. It’s 1:42.

1:49 AM: Why the fuck is the toilet still running? I’ll just wait another minute to see if it stops. Note to self: call the plumber to get the toilet fixed.

1:52 AM: I get up and stomp down the hallway to the bathroom. I flip the switch to turn on the light. Oh, right, the bulb burned out. Note to self: change the light bulb in the bathroom. Stomp back down the hall and jump back into bed. The toilet finally stops running. It’s 1:53.

2:00 AM: I can’t go back to sleep. Turn over to face wall and make resolution to never ever drink liquids again so I can avoid this nonsense in the future.

2:03 AM: The dog is breathing on me. I pretend to ignore him and hope he goes away. It doesn’t work, he starts pawing at the bed. Throw back the covers, stomp down the stairs, and let the dog out. I sit at the kitchen table and curse him for making me get out of bed. He starts to bark. I open the door and start calling him to come in. He looks at me, then runs into the corner of the yard and starts barking again. God damn him. I get some dog biscuits to lure him back in. It doesn’t work, he won’t come in. I put on my shoes and go grab him by the collar to get him back inside the house. I close the door and he stares at me-he wants his dog biscuit. I climb up the stairs and get back into bed. It’s 2:37.

2:49 AM: I have to pee. Again.