More Conversations with Mom

10 Dec

Every once in awhile, my mom tries to “get with it”.  She likes to pretend that she’s cool from time to time.  Inevitably I end up having to explain things that she will never understand, and will immediately forget the second we’re through.  Witness the following exchange:

  • Mom: Do you know who JC is?

  • Me: Jesus Christ?  You’re not going to lecture me on religion, are you?

  • Mom: No.  The rapper.

  • Me.  Oh, you mean Jay-Z?

  • Mom: Yes, I guess so.  I thought it was JC, though.

  • Me: No, mom.  JC stands for Jesus Christ, and unless he just signed up with Def Jam records, I’m pretty sure that you’re talking about Jay-Z.

  • Mom: Okay, Jay-Z then.  Doesn’t he date a famous singer?  Bianca, right?

  • Me: How about Beyonce, mom.  Not Bianca.

  • Mom:  Oh, well, it looks like it would be pronounced Bianca.  What kind of name is Beyonce?  Why don’t these people have regular names?

  • Me: I don’t know mom.  I didn’t name them.

  • Mom: So what songs does he sing?

  • Me: I’m sure you wouldn’t know any of them if I told you.

  • Mom: Just tell me what he sings!

  • Me: Fine.  He sings Dirt Off Your Shoulders, 99 Problems, Hard Knock Life, and some others.

  • Mom: I don’t think I know those.

  • Me: No, you don’t know them.  I told you wouldn’t know them.

  • Mom: How does 99 Problems go.

  • Me: Are you serious?

  • Mom:  Yes.  How does it go?

  • Me: [Proceeds to do a terrible rendition of the chorus]

  • Mom: I don’t like that very much.  Why does he have to use the word “bitch” so much?

  • Me: [Irritated] I don’t know, mom.  I don’t consult with him when he’s writing his freaking lyrics.

  • Mom: Well you don’t have to get angry with me.

  • Me: [Even more irritated] I’m not angry, I just don’t understand why you’re asking me these questions about something that you really don’t care about and will never be interested in.

  • Mom: Fine!  We’ll talk about something else.  How do I check my bank account online?

  • Me: Jesus Christ. . .

17 Responses to “More Conversations with Mom”

  1. Rambler December 10, 2007 at 4:03 pm #

    I think Bianca would be fun 😀

    btw I hate explaining my mom about the current day actors and actresses too, I hate to identify them for her whenever she is watching a new movie.

    Oh god, that is just another travesty unto itself. Let’s not even go there. -CS

  2. houstonsocialbutterfly December 10, 2007 at 4:24 pm #

    Awww…she’s trying to “fit in” …that’s cute!

    Super cute. I’ll send her your way the next time she asks these questions. Lord only knows what would happen if she ever came across Tila Tequila. I can only imagine that conversation. . . -CS

  3. Maryann December 10, 2007 at 4:55 pm #

    your mom and my mom are the same person. My mom’s version of that is:

    “Have you heard the new Beyonce CD?” (as if it’s some super-cool, cutting-edge, under-the-radar artist)
    “Yeah, mom. I got in six months ago.”
    “Oh. What are you listening to?”
    “Jay-Z.”
    “Never heard of it.” (And, according to her tone, she believes nobody else has either.)

    It’s amazing how moms can make you devolve back to an exasperated teen in less than 5 seconds.

    That just goes to show that one never truly grows up. -CS

  4. Pistols at Dawn December 10, 2007 at 4:56 pm #

    My parents don’t even try, and therefore don’t catch any references from the past 100 years. Okay, maybe if I say I’m headed off to a jumpin’ speakeasy to chase down some gimlets of hootch with a few flappers, they’ll throw me the keys to their Model T. But that’s about it.

    At least they don’t make you take the horse and buggy. -CS

  5. Guv'ner December 10, 2007 at 5:55 pm #

    OH GOD it’s mortifying when parents pull that shit. With my mum, it was misquoting South Park when that first started. She’d be all “Oh I know that show. ‘Oh Gosh, Kenny’s dead’. ” SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMAN.

    I don’t have kids and don’t plan on it but the one thing having them would be fun for would be this type of thing. Embarrassing them in front of their friends in particular, with questions about their current music or just talking about music hip in MY day to really make it excruciating for them. Or even UNHIP music from my day.

    “You kids and your Ricky Martin music, no good can come of it!”

    I’m totally going to do that to me neice and nephew. They’ll love it! -CS

  6. Recovering Overachiever December 10, 2007 at 6:03 pm #

    Haha.
    My mom is at least a little more “with it.” I.e. she thinks she’s cool because she found a tool online that translates everything into Snoop-speak. Then she sent my sister’s and I a sonnet from Shakespeare that was all for-hizzled out.
    Yes, mom, now you’re totally with it.

    That’s pretty funny. My mom doesn’t know who Snoop is. Though I’m sure the conversation would go like this:

    Mom: Have you ever heard of the rapper Snoopy Dog Dog?
    Me: It’s Snoop Doggy Dog.
    Mom: That’s a stupid name.
    Me: Oh, right, but Snoopy Dog Dog is that much better.
    Mom: It is. I thought he was a rap star for children.

    -CS

  7. Sue December 10, 2007 at 6:06 pm #

    We once took my mom to the movie, Parenthood. She didn’t catch the line and asked out loud “What is he choking?”. I said “his chicken”. Mom “What does that mean”. My at-the-time teenaged brother practically crawled on the floor. Hee..hee.

    BWAHAHAHA!! We frequently make comments about packing “boxes” in front of my mom. She never gets it. Thankfully, we rarely have to explain. Though, once, I did have to tell her what “bush” meant. -CS

  8. Del-v December 10, 2007 at 6:34 pm #

    I’m pretty “With It” for an Amish guy.

    Hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to use computers. -CS

  9. Mister Underhill December 10, 2007 at 8:22 pm #

    Your mom is almost as crazy as mine.

    Maybe we’re related. Which is bad because I fancy your peen. -CS

  10. The Idea Of Progress December 10, 2007 at 8:44 pm #

    If it’s not Michael Bolton or Josh Groban, my mom isn’t interested.

    Which is the opposite reaction that I have.

    Josh Groban is hot, Michael Bolton is not. If my mother threatened to listen to Michael Bolton songs in my presence, I would have to slap her. Right across her insolent face. No to Michael Bolton. No. -CS

  11. Red December 10, 2007 at 8:48 pm #

    See, I’m not particularly cool, and neither is my mom, so we don’t really have that conversation. However, she is more or less incapable of remembering the plot of a movie she’s seen, whereas I tend to store those kinds of things. (I guess I have more RAM to devote or something.) So when we watch a movie she’ll always say, “[Red], what’s going to happen?” Now, if it’s a movie we’ve both seen but she’s forgotten what happens, or if it’s a movie that I’ve seen and she hasn’t, this makes some sort of sense. However, she will do the exact same thing with movies _that neither of us have seen before_. The thing is, she lives over 800 miles from me, so when I get to see her, most of that stuff is just cute because I’m not around enough for it to drive me batty.

    Do moms just get to a point in their lives when they all do this? I can’t stand watching TV with her for this very reason. It’s just unacceptable! -CS

  12. Step Right Up December 10, 2007 at 8:49 pm #

    My mom is totally out of touch but sometimes I wish I was, too because most so-called artists aren’t even worth knowing anyway.

    Surely you aren’t referring to the vocal talent of Tila Tequila. -CS

  13. teri December 10, 2007 at 9:22 pm #

    Fun times!

    how are you not on heavy meds, yet? or are you?

    Wait, do you consider gin and valium heavy meds? -CS

  14. smartcookie December 11, 2007 at 3:55 am #

    thank you for making me laugh out loud-that was too funny!

    I’m here for you. -CS

  15. Tabbie December 11, 2007 at 4:00 am #

    My mom thinks she’s so funny when she learns hip new words.
    Like when she calls me DAWG on text messages. I just know she’s cracking herself up because she knows it sounds ridiculous.

    At least she knows how to text message. -CS

  16. Koree December 11, 2007 at 5:12 am #

    Loves it. My mom thinks its funny to say she is going to go check her facebook. (She can barely open up internet explorer)

    Nice! I can only imagine trying to explain what facebook is. . . -CS

  17. Write Procrastinator December 11, 2007 at 6:03 am #

    Catherinette’s Mom: I got ninety-nine problems, but a computer ain’t one, hit me!

    I nearly peed myself when I read this. And then, I had this stuck in my head for 2 hours. -CS

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