Archive | 8:08 pm

Protected: That’s What She Said!

10 Dec

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Protected: You Don’t Gnome

10 Dec

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More Conversations with Mom

10 Dec

Every once in awhile, my mom tries to “get with it”.  She likes to pretend that she’s cool from time to time.  Inevitably I end up having to explain things that she will never understand, and will immediately forget the second we’re through.  Witness the following exchange:

  • Mom: Do you know who JC is?

  • Me: Jesus Christ?  You’re not going to lecture me on religion, are you?

  • Mom: No.  The rapper.

  • Me.  Oh, you mean Jay-Z?

  • Mom: Yes, I guess so.  I thought it was JC, though.

  • Me: No, mom.  JC stands for Jesus Christ, and unless he just signed up with Def Jam records, I’m pretty sure that you’re talking about Jay-Z.

  • Mom: Okay, Jay-Z then.  Doesn’t he date a famous singer?  Bianca, right?

  • Me: How about Beyonce, mom.  Not Bianca.

  • Mom:  Oh, well, it looks like it would be pronounced Bianca.  What kind of name is Beyonce?  Why don’t these people have regular names?

  • Me: I don’t know mom.  I didn’t name them.

  • Mom: So what songs does he sing?

  • Me: I’m sure you wouldn’t know any of them if I told you.

  • Mom: Just tell me what he sings!

  • Me: Fine.  He sings Dirt Off Your Shoulders, 99 Problems, Hard Knock Life, and some others.

  • Mom: I don’t think I know those.

  • Me: No, you don’t know them.  I told you wouldn’t know them.

  • Mom: How does 99 Problems go.

  • Me: Are you serious?

  • Mom:  Yes.  How does it go?

  • Me: [Proceeds to do a terrible rendition of the chorus]

  • Mom: I don’t like that very much.  Why does he have to use the word “bitch” so much?

  • Me: [Irritated] I don’t know, mom.  I don’t consult with him when he’s writing his freaking lyrics.

  • Mom: Well you don’t have to get angry with me.

  • Me: [Even more irritated] I’m not angry, I just don’t understand why you’re asking me these questions about something that you really don’t care about and will never be interested in.

  • Mom: Fine!  We’ll talk about something else.  How do I check my bank account online?

  • Me: Jesus Christ. . .