More Conversations with Mom
10 DecEvery once in awhile, my mom tries to “get with it”. She likes to pretend that she’s cool from time to time. Inevitably I end up having to explain things that she will never understand, and will immediately forget the second we’re through. Witness the following exchange:
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Mom: Do you know who JC is?
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Me: Jesus Christ? You’re not going to lecture me on religion, are you?
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Mom: No. The rapper.
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Me. Oh, you mean Jay-Z?
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Mom: Yes, I guess so. I thought it was JC, though.
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Me: No, mom. JC stands for Jesus Christ, and unless he just signed up with Def Jam records, I’m pretty sure that you’re talking about Jay-Z.
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Mom: Okay, Jay-Z then. Doesn’t he date a famous singer? Bianca, right?
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Me: How about Beyonce, mom. Not Bianca.
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Mom: Oh, well, it looks like it would be pronounced Bianca. What kind of name is Beyonce? Why don’t these people have regular names?
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Me: I don’t know mom. I didn’t name them.
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Mom: So what songs does he sing?
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Me: I’m sure you wouldn’t know any of them if I told you.
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Mom: Just tell me what he sings!
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Me: Fine. He sings Dirt Off Your Shoulders, 99 Problems, Hard Knock Life, and some others.
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Mom: I don’t think I know those.
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Me: No, you don’t know them. I told you wouldn’t know them.
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Mom: How does 99 Problems go.
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Me: Are you serious?
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Mom: Yes. How does it go?
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Me: [Proceeds to do a terrible rendition of the chorus]
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Mom: I don’t like that very much. Why does he have to use the word “bitch” so much?
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Me: [Irritated] I don’t know, mom. I don’t consult with him when he’s writing his freaking lyrics.
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Mom: Well you don’t have to get angry with me.
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Me: [Even more irritated] I’m not angry, I just don’t understand why you’re asking me these questions about something that you really don’t care about and will never be interested in.
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Mom: Fine! We’ll talk about something else. How do I check my bank account online?
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Me: Jesus Christ. . .