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9 Nov

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Hairy McBacksweat: Super Sissy

9 Nov

Back when I was fat and going through hard times, dating Hairy McBacksweat seemed like a good idea.  Sure, I had a hot boyfriend, and Hairy McB had just separated from his wife-but it all seemed like a good idea at the time.  Did I mention that I was fat and going through hard times?

One of the qualities that he had that I didn’t care for (aside from the sweating, and back hair), was how sensitive he was.  Personally, I hate talking about my feelings and try to avoid it at all costs.  Yes, I feel things, no, we don’t need to talk about it.  Hairy, on the other hand, felt it was important to discuss feelings until he was blue in the face.  It was annoying and it made me angry. 

For a long time, he only showed his sensitive side to me.  Then, a few weeks after we broke up, I found out from his roommate, that Hairy was just as sappy with him.  As his roommate, the Ruddy Sailor, and I were emailing one another, he shared the following story with me.  I’ve kept the email for 4 years because it cracks me up each and every time.  Enjoy!

I work Monday nights at the bar and basically come home, go upstairs rest for a little while and then leave.  Well, last week, he came home as I was putting on my shoes and then I rushed into the kitchen.  Of course, he thought that I was mad at him or something, because I didn’t say HI or something and tried to talk to me.  He stayed in the TV room and continued to talk to me while I was in the kitchen and couldn’t hear anything he said.  Then he leaned into the kitchen and said, “What’s the matter? Not talking to me today?” 

Well, I was immediately furious, because first of all nobody says that to a guy except a girlfriend or your mother!  I gave him a look like I was going to kill him and his firstborn and asked him what the hell he was talking about.  Then he just ran downstairs. 

So I immediately was the bad guy again, and had to send him an e-mail apologizing for my actions and telling him that I would be coming home that day and taking a nap.  And being in my room doesn’t mean that I am mad or trying to get away from him, just that I am exhausted.  -He thanked me for the e-mail and felt so much better!  I fully realized at that moment that we were dating.  It still freaks me out.

Thanks Mom

9 Nov

My mom is so warm and loving.  Seriously, check this out.  The other day I went over to my mom’s house for “pizza”.  By “pizza” I meant “playing with my ipod while she asks me rambling questions and feeds me.”  It was super great!  We were sitting downstairs in the kitchen enjoying our healthy dinner of pepperoni pizza.  During this time, I explained how it was so cold that I had decided to wear some fleece pants which I would also sleep in.  At which point, I stood up and did a model walk for her. 

The following conversation took place after I sat back down:

  • Me: Sometimes it’s nice to be lazy.

  • Mom: Especially when it’s cold out.  Still, you don’t usually go out dressed like that.

  • Me: It’s not like I have anyone to impress over here. I don’t exactly think that some gorgeous knight in shining armor is going to suddenly knock on the door to ask to use the phone, so who cares what I wear.

  • Mom: Good point.

  • Me: I thought so.

  • Mom: So?  Are you still going to the gym?

  • Me: Wait.  Why would you ask me that?

  • Mom: Just wondering.

  • Me: No you’re not!  You tell me right now!

  • Mom: Well. . .it just looks like you’ve put on a few pounds.

  • Me: No it doesn’t!!  My clothes still fit!

  • Mom: Sure they do.

  • Me: They do!  Why would you say that??

  • Mom: You just were looking so nice and thin.

  • Me: It’s the pants.  These fleece pants.  And the bulky wool sweater.

  • Mom:  Right. . .

  • Me: Well, I certainly do feel better now.

  • Mom:  More pizza?