I’m So Totally Mature, For a 12 Year-Old

25 Oct

Several months ago I found out that Mr. Big X was moving back to Baltimore.  We had met at work, dated for a year before his job took him to the midwest, tried the long distance thing, and then broken up.  Then we got back together.  Then he dumped me on New Year’s.  Very kind and generous soul, and by that I mean rat bastard.  We didn’t have the same friends, he has not family here, and I had been fortunate enough to not run into him. . .until Tuesday night.

Muffy, Lola and I were enjoying some quality time during Lola’s festivities at Little Havana’s.  The night was gorgeous, food had been tasty, we had gotten rid of the annoying 20 year olds, and were basking in the glow one gets after enjoying mojitos.  I suddenly looked up and saw him standing there.  I did what any rational woman would do: I proceeded to have a panic attack.  It was great!  I suddenly felt dizzy, warm, and nauseated-it felt just as if I had suddenly gotten drunk.  Thankfully, the feeling went away quickly-mainly due to the fact that he went back inside the bar.

Everything was fine and dandy until I finally had to use the loo.  I’d been sitting in my chair for about 20 minutes trying to motivate to run to the ladies’ room, and could finally take it no longer.  The problem was that (being 12) I didn’t want to walk past him.  Muffy was kind enough to get up from the table to see where he was sitting.  Unfortunately, he was standing at the end of the bar and I was going to have to walk right past him.  Again, no problem.  Being the mature woman that I am, I came up with a plan: I called Muffy on my cell phone, put it up to my right ear to cover my face, and walked right past him.  Totally reverting to grade school shenanigans, but a lady’s got to do what a lady’s got to do.

Success!  I made it to the bathroom with no trouble.  Do my business, open the stall door and there’s Lola.  “He’s just moved outside, to the table next to us.” DAMN HIM!!  When Muffy and Lola had realized that he was taking the table next to us, they decided that Lola would have to come after me to find out what we needed to do.  What to do, what to do?  Okay, I’m an adult, I can do this.  I can sit next to him and not freak out, and I really believed it.  “Call Muffy and let her know the plan.”  So, as an adult woman, I’m calling my friend from the loo as we make our plan.  Thankfully, Muffy had moved all of our stuff inside.

Our plan worked!  We left shortly thereafter, and I didn’t have to look at him again.  I may not be in the 6th grade anymore, but it’s nice to know that things that worked back then, still work today.

12 Responses to “I’m So Totally Mature, For a 12 Year-Old”

  1. Guv'ner at 8:13 pm #

    Oh dude, cringeworthy. Don’t you hate those encounters? It’s like “WHY THE HELL SHOULD I BE HIDING YOU SOUL KILLING BASTARD!” you should have let him see you being all fabulous and maybe dangled one of those 20 year olds under his nose. (then kicked him in the ‘nads).

    I did him one better, I made sure that he had a good view of my caboose-it was looking way hot in the jeans I was wearing. Take that, bastard! -CS

  2. Guv'ner at 8:14 pm #

    Um…the ex, not the 20 year old. Unless he was a really ANNOYING 20 year old.

    He was very annoying and VERY drunk. -CS

  3. Pistols at Dawn at 8:31 pm #

    How is “drama, good times, pathetic, single” not an album or television show title?

    Regarding any ex of yours, ladies, here’s the scoop: we just want to feel like we could f you again or that you think about us more than we think about you (not hard, because usually, we only think about fs past once a month or so). So this drama is actually less effective, because if he noticed, you were going through a lot of work for him, and he wins. If you just act like you don’t care, that’s the way for you to win.

    Also, the best way to get revenge is to drag me and your hottest ladyfriend into the bathroom in front of him.

    I’ve trademarked it so someone would have to pay me to use it. If my life every becomes a movie, that’s going to be the title.

    Don’t you see that all of this was so he could think that I didn’t care? It took 3 people for me to play “cool”. I acted like I didn’t care, that’s why I didn’t go over there to talk to him-plus I was afraid that if I went near him, I might end up gouging out one of his eyes.

    But you weren’t there!! You totally let me down. -CS

  4. I have nothing to contributte other than: that was a hilarious story!

    I aim to please. I’m glad you were amused. 🙂 -CS

  5. danielle at 9:56 pm #

    That was a hilarious story. If it makes you feel any better, I had that panic attack, heart racing, dizzy, nauseated feeling the first time I went back to a bar in my ex’s neighborhood just at the thought that I might see him. And I had thought through in advance some of the grade-school shenanigans that I would employ should I have seen him. Luckily, I have not run into him, yet, but it’s only a matter of time here in Smalltimore.

    It’s so awful to feel that way. You know what’s crazy? One of my girlfriend’s from high school who I had lost touch with moved back to the area more than 2 years ago. She lives less than a mile from my mom’s house and her parents live right across the street from my mom. We haven’t run into each other-but the one person that I would like to never see again? BLAM! He’s in my face.

    I wish you much luck in avoiding the ex. If you run into him, I expect an immediate report. -CS

  6. teri at 10:52 pm #

    A woman’s got to do, what a woman’s got to do. And it’s great to have FABULOUS friends to help!

    Agreed! -CS

  7. Amadeo at 11:29 pm #

    I’m an advocate of living it up in front of an ex and letting them take it all in. Yes look at me laughing and enjoying myself in my shined shoes. Look at all of the people who thinkg I’m funny! Yes the girl next to you IS checking me out. Oh! Yes! I am leaving in a better car than the one I had when we were together! By now enjoy that lame dude you’re with…who also knows me and thinks I’m cool.

    It’s nice to know that we all play these foolish games. Ah. . .adulthood. -CS

  8. The Diva's Thoughts at 12:36 am #

    That was a GREAT story! I loved it. it’s great to have friends that will have your back like that.

    It was really fun acting 12. And it is most excellent having friends that revert right back to 6th grade with you. -CS

  9. [Cherry] Ride at 2:06 pm #

    Bullshit Singleton!! Baltimore is YOUR town and you should have made HIM feel uncomfotable! This requires a do-over.

    Well, [C]R, since you demanded a do over, then there will be one. I’ll have a far better story the next time I run into him (with my car). -CS

  10. Del-v at 2:35 pm #

    Whenever I see an ex out and she starts with the drama I know she still wants me. However that’s the wrong way to get me back. I don’t like drama, and in return I don’t want them.

    My smart ex-girlfriends have moved on and want nothing to do with me.

    That only makes me want them more…

    Pistols – nice try for a 3-way.

    There was no drama, unless you count 6th grade shenanigans as drama. I merely avoided him at all costs. And frankly, I’d rather have a nasty case of hep c than have him back. No thank you. -CS

  11. ME IN MD at 2:54 pm #

    Too funny – u amuse me – i think its womans natural instinct to be like that – the first time i ran into my ex, he brought his new gf to annoy me – so i ran up to them and bought them a round of drinks – the look on his face was priceless!

    Now that is an excellent tactic! I would have considered it, but 2 problems are raised:
    1) I’d rather spend my money on a new handbag than on him,
    2) If there was a beverage between him and me, I’d probably pick it up and throw it in his face.

    -CS

  12. MisstressM at 11:26 pm #

    You are responsible for making me laugh so hard that I almost peed in my pants. I just wanted to let you know!

    Im proud of you girly. I would have had my initial melt down right there in the bathroom and refused to leave until the place closed for the evening.

    It would have been a far better achievement had you actually peed your pants. Now that would have been so super cool! At least for me.

    I would have considered staying in the bathroom, but my drink was back at the table. The mojitos are far too delicious to be ignored. -CS

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