Archive | 7:08 pm

I’m So Totally Mature, For a 12 Year-Old

25 Oct

Several months ago I found out that Mr. Big X was moving back to Baltimore.  We had met at work, dated for a year before his job took him to the midwest, tried the long distance thing, and then broken up.  Then we got back together.  Then he dumped me on New Year’s.  Very kind and generous soul, and by that I mean rat bastard.  We didn’t have the same friends, he has not family here, and I had been fortunate enough to not run into him. . .until Tuesday night.

Muffy, Lola and I were enjoying some quality time during Lola’s festivities at Little Havana’s.  The night was gorgeous, food had been tasty, we had gotten rid of the annoying 20 year olds, and were basking in the glow one gets after enjoying mojitos.  I suddenly looked up and saw him standing there.  I did what any rational woman would do: I proceeded to have a panic attack.  It was great!  I suddenly felt dizzy, warm, and nauseated-it felt just as if I had suddenly gotten drunk.  Thankfully, the feeling went away quickly-mainly due to the fact that he went back inside the bar.

Everything was fine and dandy until I finally had to use the loo.  I’d been sitting in my chair for about 20 minutes trying to motivate to run to the ladies’ room, and could finally take it no longer.  The problem was that (being 12) I didn’t want to walk past him.  Muffy was kind enough to get up from the table to see where he was sitting.  Unfortunately, he was standing at the end of the bar and I was going to have to walk right past him.  Again, no problem.  Being the mature woman that I am, I came up with a plan: I called Muffy on my cell phone, put it up to my right ear to cover my face, and walked right past him.  Totally reverting to grade school shenanigans, but a lady’s got to do what a lady’s got to do.

Success!  I made it to the bathroom with no trouble.  Do my business, open the stall door and there’s Lola.  “He’s just moved outside, to the table next to us.” DAMN HIM!!  When Muffy and Lola had realized that he was taking the table next to us, they decided that Lola would have to come after me to find out what we needed to do.  What to do, what to do?  Okay, I’m an adult, I can do this.  I can sit next to him and not freak out, and I really believed it.  “Call Muffy and let her know the plan.”  So, as an adult woman, I’m calling my friend from the loo as we make our plan.  Thankfully, Muffy had moved all of our stuff inside.

Our plan worked!  We left shortly thereafter, and I didn’t have to look at him again.  I may not be in the 6th grade anymore, but it’s nice to know that things that worked back then, still work today.

Young, Dumb & Full of Boring/Useless Information

25 Oct

The other day when I wrote about my love for the 20-something-year olds, I never dreamed that I would have the chance to hang out with some.  Tuesday night we went out for Lola’s birthday.  I was the first one to arrive, so I ordered a drink and sat at the bar waiting for Muffy and Lola.  While I sat there, I noticed a hot young fellow sitting on the other side of the bar.  He noticed me and started waving to me, I waved back.  Two minutes later he was sitting by my side.

“Are you waiting for your husband,” he asked me.  “No.  Are you?”  He said he was and decided to pretend he was gay.  That was his clever way of flirting.  It might have worked, if I had been a total idiot. We chit chatted for a few minutes before Muffy and Lola arrived.  The first thing I noticed was that he was wearing camo shorts, and he had beat up sneakers.  Mamma always told me you could tell someone’s upbringing by looking at their shoes.  It’s something that I always notice.  His shoes told me that he was still quite young, and he thought he was cool enough to pull off the outfit.  Whatever, no biggy, he was kind of cute.  Muffy and Lola arrived and we continued chatting it up with Faux Gay.

Somehow, he managed to invite himself to our table.  5 minutes later, his two friends were sitting with us.  Quiet Serial Killer, and the World’s Most Boring Boy seemed nice enough.  After 20 minutes I started realizing that maybe I’m not so hot for 20 year olds. The more Faux Gay talked, the less attractive I found him.  I started noticing his jacked up teeth, then that his nose must have been broken at some point-and never set right.  Faux Gay had been hitting on us while he waited for one of his ho’s to arrive.  The chick that showed up looked like she had just gussied herself up after her day job: pole dancing.  Poor chick looked like she has been ridden hard and put away wet.  Off Faux Gay went and we were stuck with Quiet Serial Killer and World’s Most Boring Boy.  Christ, I just about gouged my eyes out while he told us (with his heavy Baltimore accent) all about how he pulled reports at his job, and blah, blah boring.

Thankfully, they all ended up leaving to go do karaoke.  They tried to stiff us with their tab, but the waitress called them out on it.  Thanks, kind waitress!  They were god awful and the only way that I could have endured more time with them was if I had been hammered off my ass.  Perhaps they are only good for one thing. . .