Evidence that I’m a Bitch: Exhibit A

2 Oct

There’s a young man that works in my company that is fine.  He dresses well, is hot, and has the personality of a mound of dirt.  For someone as attractive as this J. Crewish young lad, you’d think he’d have some social skills.  Not Wet Noodle.  Talking to him is physically painful.  While at first I was delighted to be in meetings with him-just because he was so pretty-I learned to dread the meetings like one does going to the DMV.  It’s painful and a waste of time.

Several years ago, Wet Noodle married a woman who was 9 years his senior and not that much of a looker.  When my friend, KK, first saw his wife, she just about fell over and died.  I use one word to describe Mrs. Wet Noodle: Cankles.  Seriously, she is not an attractive woman, and has ballooned in size since they first got together.

This afternoon, Disney called me over to his desk to show me something.  He had found a very old picture of Cankles.  I looked at it, then at him, and the following escaped my lips, “Jesus Christ.  I think she ate herself.”

17 Responses to “Evidence that I’m a Bitch: Exhibit A”

  1. Laura October 2, 2007 at 9:29 pm #

    Bitch! haha well if you didn’t say it, someone else would have… and better you get the laugh!

    When I was little and people used to ask me what I’d be when I grew up, I always said I wanted to be a bitch. My dream has come true! -CS

  2. Foxy Luv October 2, 2007 at 9:31 pm #

    Mrs. WN is ok people…although I will grant you the point about packing on the lbs. since they got together. But she’s very nice and can be as bitchy and snarky as you or I any day of week. I admire her skills.

    As for Mr. WN – I always find is very unpleasant when the hot and tasty ones turn out to have the personality of day old pasta. Very sad and there should be legislation against it.

    But here’s my freaky fantasy idea about why they are together – are you ready – they are both into heavy duty baby play in the bedroom. He’s obviously the baby – she’s the mommy. And in that sort of game, the cankles are an advantage.

    Just my take. And by the way – I find you guilty of being a total bitch and sentance you to a happy hour at the Olive Garden. Sorry love, it’s what they call a “mandatory minimum”. And I will be doing hard time at the stool right next to yours by the way! Here’s hoping we meet a stereo salesman from Sears while we are there…SCORE!

    Ugh, it’s so disgusting to think of those 2 and their dirty bedroom play. Thanks for putting that image into my head. No, really, thanks. I just threw up in my mouth a little. -CS

  3. Pistols at Dawn October 2, 2007 at 10:16 pm #

    Isn’t that why you get married – to pack on the pounds? I just got started early. I figure at that point, it’s really tough to break up, so unless you’re “Jaws of Life required to get you out of your own house” fat, it’s on.

    My reason for getting married is to have someone shovel the snow and mow the lawn. I didn’t even think about being able to pack on the pounds as another reason! -CS

  4. lifesapartysodance October 2, 2007 at 10:26 pm #

    HAHAHA! That’s mean!! …and funny.

    That’s just how I roll. -CS

  5. The Diva's Thought's October 2, 2007 at 10:27 pm #

    I don’t know what happened above me that that was supposed to be MY comment:

    HAHAHA! That’s mean!! …and funny.

    Hmmmmm…LOL

    And this is still how I roll. -CS

  6. Chris October 2, 2007 at 10:55 pm #

    Ouch. Surely it doesn’t matter if she’s big, as long as she’s happy?? And hell, if he is so good looking i bet she’s fucking ecstatic.

    It doesn’t matter that she’s big, but she has seriously doubled in size, and it seemed to have happened overnight. She’s so freaking frumpy on top of it all! -CS

  7. Tabbie October 2, 2007 at 11:51 pm #

    Yes, that was very bitchy. But probably true.
    Also, one of my least favorite physical features are my cankles. It is a sad, sad thing that my calves go straight into my feet.
    And they always have- even when I was a thin athletic teen. Damn my ancestry.

    Just make sure to never wear shoes with straps around the ankle, that only accentuates them. -CS

  8. cinnkitty October 3, 2007 at 12:04 am #

    Hee..hee…hee… “cankles” *giggles*

    Who ever came up with that term is a genius. -CS

  9. betty boob October 3, 2007 at 1:04 am #

    Oh you forked tongue vixen! May you drown in cheap champagne for saying that 😉

    When you say “cheap champagne”, do you actually mean real champagne, or sparkling wine from California? Because I will NOT go down in sparkling wine! I just won’t do it! -CS

  10. abroad October 3, 2007 at 1:02 pm #

    The true nature of the bitchiness is that you have no sound evidence that it’s true that she ate herself and may, if overheard, have started a rumor based on circumstancial evidence.

    Perhaps too it’s her ability to perform this acrobatic feat that has attracted Noodle to her in the first place.

    You’re right, I don’t have the evidence. It does, however, look like she ate someone. I’m sure that’s a quality that Wet Noodle finds very attractive-in his own very dull and boring way. -CS

  11. abroad October 3, 2007 at 1:04 pm #

    Though on second thought if she could really do that she may not have gotten married.

    Valid point. -CS

  12. Amadeo October 3, 2007 at 1:34 pm #

    Maybe she blackmailed him into the marriage and his personality is dying slowly. Or maybe he knows he’s a Wet Noodle and she didn’t mind so who was like “what the hell”? Yes. No. Meh, who cares…let their suffering sustain you!

    It’s quite possible. Maybe once she realized that he was so freaking boredom she decided to binge. -CS

  13. LAURIE October 3, 2007 at 1:34 pm #

    hahahah too funny!!!! We actually have a couple like that where i work – and they both work there!

    That must make for excellent mocking! -CS

  14. 5 of 9er October 3, 2007 at 2:16 pm #

    Wow! That is honest. But at the same time, kind of sad. Maybe they are both really happy.

  15. Mister Underhill October 3, 2007 at 2:50 pm #

    Ouch!

    You need to watch it.

    I do watch it-like a train wreck. I can’t look away. -CS

  16. Step Right Up October 3, 2007 at 4:39 pm #

    Is she fat AND unattractive or just fat? It’s sad when people just let themselves go.

    You know what would cover up those cankles quite nicely? A lovely pair of leg warmers. Be a dear and purchase her some.

    She’s both. Poor, sad soul. Love the idea of the legwarmers. Maybe she and her husband could spice up their love lives by holding 80’s night love fest themes. -CS

  17. Deadspot October 4, 2007 at 2:12 pm #

    So she’s big but limber?

    She’s more plump than she is limber. -CS

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