Reasons My Mother Annoys Me: Reason 325

22 Sep

She’s under some strange and warped delusion that I’m going to find my soul-mate on Sugar Daddy.com.  She forced me into it.  She leaned right over my shoulder and stared at me while I created a weak profile, and then searched for a sugar daddy.  Here’s the thing: online dating is not for me.  She doesn’t want to accept it, and I don’t know why.  Then she got all bent out of shape when I told her that I wasn’t interested in any of the guys.

  • Mom: How about that one?
  • Me: He lives in Manhattan.
  • Mom: Oh, and this one?
  • Me: He has one chin too many for me.
  • Mom: This ones cute.
  • Me: Yeah, and older than dad is.
  • Mom: How about that one?
  • Me: Jesus, mom!  Are you freaking serious?  That guy is a dog!
  • Mom: Looks aren’t everything.  It looks like he makes a decent amount of money.
  • Me: So you actually would want me to date someone unattractive if he had boat loads of money?
  • Mom: That’s not what I’m saying.  I’m merely saying that sometimes you become attracted to someone over time.
  • Me: Not someone that looks like that.
  • Mom: Fine!  Then keep doing what you’re doing.  That seems to be working wonders for you!
  • Me: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I’m going to go and bury my head in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s now.

     

18 Responses to “Reasons My Mother Annoys Me: Reason 325”

  1. Pistols at Dawn at 10:12 pm #

    Just so you know, that’s not going to help, either.

    It’s probably different for ladies and all, but the instant I actually thought it out and applied my tattoo theory, I was cured of any desire for marriage. That theory: I never got a tattoo because I don’t want the same dumb thing on my body for the rest of my life. Can you imagine the same person next to you for years on end? Christ Jesus, that’d be even more boring.

    My love life is like the primetime TV schedule: it’s not always on, but when it starts looking like something I’ve seen before, I’m out.

  2. Jen at 11:30 pm #

    Mothers do have a way of being endearing, don’t they? At least you know she does it because she loves and wants the best for you.

  3. scarymonster at 2:32 am #

    Seems as if yer mom be using you as a surrogate fer some sugar of her own. You should set her up on a couple of dates to screen any potential future mates.

    STOMP.

  4. cinnkitty at 2:47 am #

    Depends CS…. exactly what *flavor* of Ben & Jerry’s are we talking about? I mean..is the Momma Drama “Chunky Monkey” levels or are we talking full blown “Cherries Garcia” depravity? ;p

    Oh, I know!! Tell your mom about Kelly. She’ll probably invite him down for dinner, because he’s obviously “life-time mate” material if the ugly guy with money doesn’t work out. 😀

  5. OestreBunny at 2:48 am #

    I’m glad the only interest in my love life my parents seem to have is my dad finding the best way to make sure I don’t have a love life. I soooo couldn’t cope with that level of interest.

  6. Patrick Hillman at 3:47 am #

    Shouldn’t all of the guys on “Sugar Daddy” be rich — by definition?

  7. The Idea Of Progress at 5:10 am #

    Is there a sugar momma website? ‘Cause I could sure use one.

  8. Maybelline Jones at 1:27 pm #

    I’m shocked and apalled at this website. It might as well be called golddiggers.com. You can’t look for a life partner based on income. You’ll never be happy.

  9. carolyn at 1:41 pm #

    yikes, does your mom know that she’s a character in a chicklit novel designed to make the rest of us feel better about our own mothers. seriously, this totally puts my mom’s passive aggressiveness into perspective, although if i were still single she’d probably be signing me up on christian singles sites without my knowledge

  10. Catherinette at 2:05 pm #

    Pistols at Dawn: I love your tattoo theory! If I tell her about Kelly, she’ll start planning the wedding. I told her about my 4 minute dating fiasco and she practically started booking a dj. It was crazy.

    Jen: Yes, it’s true, she does it because she loves me. It’s just annoying that she can’t just let it go.

    scarymonster: I think you’re on to something. Perhaps I’ll create a secret profile for her and see if she can find “true love”.

    cinnkitty: Somehow, I managed to avoid any Ben & Jerry’s. Instead, Lola and I ate an entire (huge) pepperoni pizza. Mmm. . .satisfying and helps to diminish the feelings of annoyance.

    Oestre Bunny: I’m intrigued by your dad’s mission. I want to hear more about it.

    Patrick Hillman: You’d think they would be, but that’s not the case.

    The Idea of Progress: There sure are! You go ahead and sign yourself up and see who you can find!

    Maybelline Jones: I’m right there with you.

    Carolyn: You don’t know the half of it, sister. I could tell you stories that would have you dropping to your knees to thank God that you didn’t end up with my mother.

  11. abroad at 2:40 pm #

    Wow, that match making site is truly gross. I suppose those creeps deserve each other, but who decides whether or not they are beautiful enough and/or rich enough to participate?
    BTW – You should stay away from your mother if she is really recommending this kind of social interaction for you. Is she old enough to move to Florida yet?

    I don’t think that she really has any idea what’s involved with the site. Someone mentioned it to her, and she thought it might be good. After about 20 minutes of perusing the site, she did decide that it was pretty bad. Thank god for that! -CS

  12. Mister Underhill at 3:16 pm #

    Slightly unattractive people tend to be evil.

    Or is it that evil people tend to be slightly unattractive? Hmm. . .-CS

  13. [Cherry] Ride at 4:15 pm #

    How did your mom find this site in the first place? And that comment about sometimes becoming attracted to someone over time is kinda sad.

    Would you believe that one of her patients told her about it? She’s a shrink. -CS

  14. Amadeo at 8:41 pm #

    That’s bad…but at my cousins wedding my mother asked me not only when I planned to get married, but if I had any kids she didn’t know about. That’s scary. I don’t talk about myself much, but I do hit some occasional highlights…like someone having my child.

    Please tell me that she was bombed when she asked you that! -CS

  15. Malnurtured Snay at 2:04 am #

    But! But! But!

    If he has boatloads of money, you could buy a boat, then kill him at sea and dump his body! Win win!

    This is an excellent plot, as long as I could convince him to set me up as sole benificiary, and lure him on the boat before he touched me. Ugh, they’re just so nasty looking! -CS

  16. Foxy Luv at 5:55 pm #

    Your mom is nuts.

    But – I must say that I saw this really great show on VH1 called The Fabulous Life of Sugar Daddies. In it – they profiled all these rich old bastards and the gold diggers that “love” them. And I was really starting to feel a bit ill as they started talking about Larry “Nearly as Old as Yoda” King. He’s got this hot little wife and she goes on all these talk shows and talks about how hot their sex life is. And while I was throwing up, they mentioned how much real estate Larry had – fat properties in like 5 states. And then they mentioned that the two of them got married in Larry’s hospital room as he was resting up from by-pass surgery…and I thought to myself, really – how long is she going to have to put up with the Yoda-lovin’? Fat properties vs. Yoda-lovin’. I don’t know – I think even I could whore it up if some of that property was beach front, you know what I am saying?

    Every one has their price…and when you are a hot young thing with an old man who has a bad ticker, I think the math works in your favor.

    I like your type of math. Where were you when I was studying algebra in high school? I think I would have learned much more if you had been the teacher. -CS

  17. Foxy Luv at 10:33 pm #

    It’s a gift – this teaching thing I do. I try to give back to the children….and by children, I mean little whores in training.

    I heart whores. -CS

  18. BottleBlonde at 8:10 pm #

    You’re not alone. My mother wants me to find a rich man as well. I don’t care whether a guy is rich or not, but he better not make less money than me. I ain’t supportin’ no bitch!

    I’m right there with you! The only thing I’m supportin’ is my nasty handbag habit. -CS

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