Archive | September, 2007

Not So Happy Hour

28 Sep

A hundred years ago, when I was young and the company social planner, I could snap my fingers and get people to go out after work.  Now, my powers are weak and it takes threats of violence to get the same trick done.  It is rare that I actually want to go out after work for a drink, today happens to be one of those days.  My hair looks relatively decent, I’m in the freaking mood. 

After twisting a few arms, I’ve convinced Disney and Lush to come out with me for a drink.  This, however, is not enough. I want to get all boozy suzy tonight and make some bad decisions that I’ll regret tomorrow when I wake up with the cocktail flu. I want to go downtown!  I hate the bar scene, but again, I’m in the mood.  I feel that there’s a hotty out there that’s aching for my attention this evening, and that he’ll suffer if I don’t show up. 

Let’s get it together people!!  Don’t make this secret hotty feel bad on a night that we could be flirting and potentially making out in a dark corner of some bar.  Do it for me.

Protected: A Special Dedication

28 Sep

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My New Habit

27 Sep

At some point over the last few weeks, I have developed a new habit.  A very annoying and embarrassing new habit.  I’m going to share it with you in hopes that you mock me so much that I stop immediately if not sooner.  Here goes. . .

Every single time I see a good looking guy I say (out loud so everyone can hear), “What’s UP?!?”  That’s cheesy enough, but it’s even worse because I use this really irritating and sleazy tone.  Plus I can’t seem to control the volume at which I use this charming phrase.  I could be in the middle of a conversation with someone, walking down a supermarket aisle, or sitting in the car by myself-there’s the hot guy, and I just vomit out “what’s UP?”

I’m ready for your mocking.  Let it begin.

Sugar Daddy Update

27 Sep

Over the weekend I wrote about how my mother had talked me into signing up for Sugar  Well, my fine, people, I have received some interesting emails.  Here’s a shocker for you: this site basically encourages glorified prostitution.  It’s even worse than I thought.  Had I known what kind of person I would be exposed to, I would have signed up even sooner just so I could share the depravity for you.

So now, my young friends, some samples of what these Sugar Daddies are looking for:

Sugar Daddy #1:
Age: 52
Income $200,000 – $300,000
About Me: Good looking self employed guy looking for a “Babe” to travel, party, cook, dine, sex of course, and extremly good looking with a good body-a good mind helps also-age open, bi sexual is ok, My last wife was bi and we had a lot of fun. Girls be real , so many phonies on this site-be serious or be gone….

What I’m looking for:  Looking for a special gal, not a gold digger(well maybe) but someone that enjoys better things in life and likes me as well as what I have. She should be an 8 on a scale of 10, great body, not over weight, (5’6″ and under-) Fun and not a Prozak queen, I’m just a normal guy looking for a hot relationship. (smile) ARE YOU?

Sugar Daddy #2
Age: 38
Income $100,000 – $200,000
About Me:  Used to be free-spirited, adventurous, and passionate about life, but seems now I work too much and, despite best efforts, I find myself married to a person whom I love more like a friend than a wife, but, unlike a friend, we have NOTHING in common. I guess I just sorta feel like the life has been sapped outta my spirit and I long for at least a touch of true sexual passion to know I am still alive and well and give me a new motivation in my life by finding a woman who will appreciate me, respect me, encourage me, and ignite me sexually.

I have a good, although slightly dry, sense of humor. I enjoy travel and dining out. I am very healthy, and physically fit, though I’m not as much of a “hard body” as I used to be when I had more time in my life to be a perfectionist about such things. I am 6’3″ tall and weigh 230 pounds.

I am NOT filthy rich, so I can’t provide the total “hook-up”, but on the flip side, I am a young, fun, sexually hungry , and good-looking professional and, if you let me, I certainly do well enough to spoil the crap out of you for long, sensual, secret weekend getaways every now and then. And, yes, at the right time, I can send a photo.

What’ I’m looking for: Looking for someone who: (1) Will not judge; (2) Fully appreciates and respects my need for discretion; (3) Leads a healthy, drug-free lifestyle; & (4) Likes what they read in the description above.

Sugar Daddy #3
Age: 37
Income: More than $1,000,000
About Me: I’m a very busy and outgoing professional male who spends a great deal of time traveling. In a given year I probably travel to or within a couple of hours of just about every major city in the US, sometimes for business.. other times just to get away. I love a variety of things from fine food to concerts and sporting events.

For some reason I can’t change the bottom part of my profile but am no longer supporting 3 SB’s. I do have one girl in LA that I do things for from time to time. I felt it was time to focus energies towards one particular SB. It’s a process, but once I find that special girl…she will be well taken care of.

What I’m looking for: I am looking for companionship while traveling. I currently take care of about 3 “babies” and am looking for a couple more. I want someone who understands that just because I am paying her bills and spending time with her when I am in town; that doesnt mean I want a committed relationship or marriage. At this point in my life I am not looking for a full time “sugah baby”.. just someone who wants to enjoy my company. If things progress in the future so be it.. but for now.. there is much fun to be had.

OK, now that I have provided you with a glimpse into what’s out there, I’m going to go and soak myself with bleach.  I feel so dirty now-and not in a good way.

Dirty Sexy Money

27 Sep

People, please tell me you watched Dirty Sexy Moneylast night.  PLEASE!!  Mama has a new favorite show. . .I’ve caught a few of the new shows this year, and this one is hands down the BEST one!  How can you not love a show where the priest has an illegitimate son and is hateful, and the politician has a tranny girlfriend?  It’s funny.

Promise me that you’ll tune in next week so we can discuss.  Promise me!

Umm. . .

26 Sep

What the hell is going on today?  It looks like there are almost 200 more hits on this blog than yesterday.  What’s going on??  Where is everyone coming from??  I know that I’m cool and all, but I didn’t realize that I was that freaking popular!  I’m starting to feel a little bit paranoid (add that to the list of mental health issues I’ve had this week).  I’m scared!  Secretly did the management team find out about this blog and they’re now forwarding out to Human Resources who is reading the entire thing and documenting reasons to fire me?

Someone, preferably Hugh Grant or Steve Santagati, hold me!

UPDATE: I’ve figured it what has caused the increase in traffic.  It has nothing to do with HR (thank freaking God!!).  The lovely and fabulous Maryann James over at BaltAmour included a link to my blog in one of her postings. 

I can now stop sweating it and panicking about being fired (for now).  Instead, I’ll go work on some marvelous posting about how Lit’l Smokey said the following to my yesterday, “Let me stick it in.”


I’m Lazy Today

26 Sep

I am slammed with work and don’t have time to tell you anything interesting today, even about how Lit’l Smokey asked me to go to the movies with him, or how I had him on his hands and knees in my cubicle yesterday.  Instead, I will re-post one of my favorite posts.  Enjoy!!

Life in Your 30’s: Myths Dispelled

There are things that people never tell you as you grow up. Things that you believe will change in your life once you reach your 30’s. We’ll I’m here to straighten you out.

You’ll stop breaking out.
Is there a point when they ever stop? I look nothing like a teenager, and yet my face likes to pretend like I’m still 15. It insists on providing me with a nice pimple from time to time-preferably when I’m going to be around someone that I have a crush on or in some extremely important meeting. Aren’t the hormone levels in my body supposed to change at some point? Do I have to wait until I go through menopause to have clear skin?

There will be no random hook-ups.
When I was younger, I thought that “older” people had a better hold on their hormones. In my mind, they would be able to think ahead, see what was coming, and then talk themselves out of doing it. Self respect and self control, I thought these would come with age. Apparently not. We all seem to experience the same rush that any high schooler or college kid would-only now there’s an incredible sense of desperation. It’s the “I might as well get it when I can” feeling. Let me tell you, it’s a “fabulous” feeling.

As you age, you’re better able to hold your liquor and won’t get hungover.
Lies, complete and total lies. About 7 years ago, I started experiencing this awful new thing: waking up drunk. That has to be one of the world’s worst feelings-especially if I have to spend time with the family or go to work during the day. It gets even “better” when the hangover hits about 2:00 in the afternoon. When I was in college, my hangover would consist of a minor headache. Nowadays, it consists of me enjoying one of the following: the desire to throw myself down the stairs to put myself out of my misery, wishing the waves of nausea would end so I could just die in peace, or having a panic attack in my bed because I know I’m going to puke again.

You’ll have better control of your finances.
Okay, so maybe some people do. I, however, still wonder how $50,000 a year isn’t enough to pay mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, cable, car payment, insurance, credit card payments, and entertainment expenses. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’d prefer to go out to some fancy restaurant than to pay my phone bill. Those late charges really add up.

You’ll have a family of your own.
Guess what? That knock on my door at the age of 30, you know the one with the instant husband and kids, seems to have stopped by when I wasn’t home. When I was younger I would have sworn on anything that I’d be married with kids by the time I was 25. When I was 25, I was convinced that it would happen by the time I was 30. At 30, I was thinking maybe 33 would be for me. Now at 33, I’m thinking that maybe 40 will work out. Wonder at which point one stops hoping for this?

I’m very much looking forward to what my 40’s will bring. And when I say that “I’m looking forward” to it, I mean I’m totally dreading every second.

All I Wanna Do

25 Sep

. . .is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

What ever happened to Wreckx-n-Effects?  They were lyrical geniuses.  Take, for example, the following:

I like the way you comb your hair, uh
I like the stylish clothes you wear, uh
It’s just the little things you do, uh
That makes me want to get with you

I’m shocked that they’re not touring the country getting all the young kids to sing Rump Shaker.