Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 2

15 Aug

Brown Poly Pants is the one date that I was dreading the most. Let me describe Mr. Brown Poly Pants:

The Outfit: Clearly, he was wearing brown polyester pants. This was very classily matched with a thin, short-sleeved, button down “dress” shirt. Underneath, he had on a navy blue t-shirt. Lord only knows why. As for the shoes, I couldn’t bring myself to look at them.

Physical Appearance: Brown Poly Pants (now known as BPP because it’s getting annoying typing out his God given name) was about 5’3″-that’s a good 5 inches shorter than I am (even more if you factor in the heels I was wearing). He was bald. His bald head did very little to detract from his pot-belly. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed that he was about 7 months pregnant.

Bonus: To top it all off, he had a lisp.

He very much reminded me of Hairy McBacksweat*, who I dated many years ago (when I was fat and going through hard times). He reminded me of a much older version of Hairy McBacksweat. Hairy McB used to do this fake lisp which was pretty amusing from time to time. When BPP sat across from me and started talking to me, I almost laughed out loud.

The chemistry was undeniable!! I had to contain myself to not immediately jump out of my terribly uncomfortable chair and mount him. I took a sip of my truly horrible cocktail to regain composure. Then we chatted about stuff. I have no recollection of what we talked about. I do remember, however, that I was going to be a total bitch when he sat down. Then I thought, “No! You cannot do that to your readers. They will be so disappointed in you. You must pretend to like him.” And so I did. Mama flirted like a champ. I leaned forward so he could look down my dress, I maintained eye contact. I laughed when he made a joke-at least I think it was a joke.

Thankfully, the 4 minutes went by quickly. I did not put an “x” in the yes box next to his name.

Bye-bye, BPP, it was nice to meet you!! I’m sure I’ll be seeing your face in a mug shot when you get arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer.

*We shall leave the story of Hairy McBacksweat for a rainy day.

13 Responses to “Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 2”

  1. The Duchess August 15, 2007 at 8:45 pm #

    Good for you for pretending to like him. Bonus points for leaning forward. 🙂

  2. Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual August 15, 2007 at 8:45 pm #

    Fat in polyester pants? OH MY, that’s unacceptable. And horrible to even imagine, let alone actually see.
    Shudder, shudder.

    Perhaps he came straight from work in his uniform pants? Like the UPS man? No. They’re hot. Like overgrown naughty boy scouts. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

  3. pistols at dawn August 15, 2007 at 9:17 pm #

    You leaning forward was the closest thing I’ve – er, he’s had to human contact in months. It’s the Lord’s work you’re doing.

  4. The Ambiguous Blob August 16, 2007 at 12:13 am #

    for the record, I wore brown polyester pants to work yesterday.

  5. monicker August 16, 2007 at 12:31 am #

    Whassamatta with polyester?

  6. The Idea Of Progress August 16, 2007 at 4:19 am #

    Why don’t girls invite ME to see down their dresses? Perhaps I’m wearing the wrong pants.

  7. Betty Boob Hug August 16, 2007 at 8:17 am #

    hahahah. I don’t need to go to speed dating, I have you to read! Too funny.

  8. Catherinette Singleton August 16, 2007 at 11:57 am #

    the duchess: What can I say? I’m a giver.

    IAI: I expected the police to arrest him at any minute for the fashion crime he had committed. Didn’t happen. I have no beef with the UPS men, I typically enjoy seeing them running around and eagerly accept the “package” they have to deliver.

    pistols at dawn: I hope you-er, he liked the view.

    Ambiguous Blob: I hope you looked better than he did.

    monicker: Nothing. Unless you look like Elmer Fudd and decide to pair the pants with a short sleeved work shirt. UGH!!

    The Idea of Progress: Maybe they do and you just don’t realize it.

    Betty Boob Hug: I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed taking one for the team.

  9. Heather August 16, 2007 at 1:50 pm #

    Oh my gosh! As if the outfit wasn’t enough, when I got to the lisp part I almost spit my coffee out everywhere!!!

  10. Mike August 16, 2007 at 2:31 pm #

    Are you sure? He might have been the one? LOL. Very nice of you to be polite.

  11. Mister Underhill August 16, 2007 at 3:18 pm #

    5’8″? I like tall girls.

    Well, it was nice of you to be nice. That’s the point of the whole thing, I’d think, really – you can slightly get to know people without having to really reject them or be rejected as the score card thing lets you do that already and you won’t see the ones you don’t want to.

    He was probably wearing an undershirt to hide manboobs. I don’t have any AT ALL, despite how knowing that might sound.

  12. Catherinette Singleton August 17, 2007 at 12:47 pm #

    Heather: I wish I could really describe how awful the pants truly wear. God awful. Terrible.

    Mike: Well, we hit it in the bathroom and I still didn’t feel the spark.

    Mister Underhill: Why must you play these games with me? You know that I’m just trying to make you jealous and I need for you to stop hiding from the love/lust that you feel from me.

  13. The Guv'ner August 17, 2007 at 4:48 pm #

    Oh man! I’m dying. How do you do this stuff with a straight face?

    Plus, say you got as far as…I don’t know, some clothed physical contact with this guy, you’d probably get electrocuted by the sparks flying off those pants.

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