Archive | 8:24 pm

Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 2

15 Aug

Brown Poly Pants is the one date that I was dreading the most. Let me describe Mr. Brown Poly Pants:

The Outfit: Clearly, he was wearing brown polyester pants. This was very classily matched with a thin, short-sleeved, button down “dress” shirt. Underneath, he had on a navy blue t-shirt. Lord only knows why. As for the shoes, I couldn’t bring myself to look at them.

Physical Appearance: Brown Poly Pants (now known as BPP because it’s getting annoying typing out his God given name) was about 5’3″-that’s a good 5 inches shorter than I am (even more if you factor in the heels I was wearing). He was bald. His bald head did very little to detract from his pot-belly. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed that he was about 7 months pregnant.

Bonus: To top it all off, he had a lisp.

He very much reminded me of Hairy McBacksweat*, who I dated many years ago (when I was fat and going through hard times). He reminded me of a much older version of Hairy McBacksweat. Hairy McB used to do this fake lisp which was pretty amusing from time to time. When BPP sat across from me and started talking to me, I almost laughed out loud.

The chemistry was undeniable!! I had to contain myself to not immediately jump out of my terribly uncomfortable chair and mount him. I took a sip of my truly horrible cocktail to regain composure. Then we chatted about stuff. I have no recollection of what we talked about. I do remember, however, that I was going to be a total bitch when he sat down. Then I thought, “No! You cannot do that to your readers. They will be so disappointed in you. You must pretend to like him.” And so I did. Mama flirted like a champ. I leaned forward so he could look down my dress, I maintained eye contact. I laughed when he made a joke-at least I think it was a joke.

Thankfully, the 4 minutes went by quickly. I did not put an “x” in the yes box next to his name.

Bye-bye, BPP, it was nice to meet you!! I’m sure I’ll be seeing your face in a mug shot when you get arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer.

*We shall leave the story of Hairy McBacksweat for a rainy day.

Go, Go Speed Dater: Part 1

15 Aug

As you all know Lola, Muffy, and I did some speed dating yesterday. It was our first time, we didn’t know what to expect, nor did we have any idea how it would turn out. I shall break this out in a riveting 5 part expose:

The Pre-Dating Scene
Bachelor #1: Brown Poly Pants
Bachelor #2: Russian IT Dork
Bachelor #3: My Dad
Bachelor #4: The Trekkie

The rest of this posting contains the description of what happened before the dating started. Please to enjoy:

I had about 15 minutes to get ready after work before meeting up with Lola and Muffy. I cautiously checked myself out in the mirror. Cute dress? Check! Good hair? Check! Legs look good in the shoes? Check! Make-up? Check! Simone looking wicked red and angry? Check! Check!

Muffy was kind and gracious enough to volunteer to serve as driver to Greenbelt Metro Station. Sadly, it fell to me to navigate. Typically, I’m pretty good with directions. Last night, not so much. We ended up going into the city via New York Ave.-lovely and scenic route. No, really. Miraculously we ended up where we were supposed to (no thanks to me), found a good spot, and headed over to the bar.

When we walked in, my first impression was, “Where the hell is everyone?” There were all of 8 people in the bar, 2 of them worked there. We sauntered over to the bar to order us up some mojitos. Mine came complete with wilted mint! Mmm, mmm, good!! As we sat there, I noticed that there were several creepy looking men walking around, all by their lonesome. It occurred to me that they were there for the event. This horrified me. It was not what I signed up for!!

Sure, I had a feeling that we’d be hanging out with some dorks, but never in a million years did I think that we’d be hanging out with semi-retired middle aged dorks! We’re too young and cute for that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about older men-just as long as they are George Clooney or his long lost, successful twin brother. The pot bellied, balding, short man just doesn’t do it for me.

It was horrifying enough sitting there knowing that I would soon be sitting across from these men. You can imagine how delighted I was when I saw a girl walk in wearing the exact same dress that I was wearing. That’s right boys and girls: the same dress. What are the odds?? Of course, yours truly was rocking the dress, on her it looked more like a black potato sack. Thankfully, she turned around and left after about 5 minutes. I can only imagine what it would have been like having to hear, “Oh! There’s another girl here wearing the exact same thing!” That would have been wonderful.

We sat there for about 30 minutes watching more people drift in. Suddenly, the bar was packed. There was a semi-cute boy here and there. Then, they started calling for us to take our places at the tables. I made my way to the bar, ordered the world’s most disgustingly foul cocktail (I knew it was going to be bad when the bartender kept smelling the juice to make sure it hadn’t gone bad), and bravely made my way to an empty seat. We had 28 dates, each lasting 4 minutes. I know you don’t want to hear anything about the average ones are the good ones, so I will present you with the best of the worst.

I did my flipping best to flirt my ass off with the worst ones. I did it all for you, just so I would be able to entertain you with my tragic encounters. I hope you’re happy.

Yet Another Conversation Between You & Me

15 Aug

You: So?? How’d it go last night?
Me: I’m so freaking tired right now. I just want to throw back some ibuprofen and crawl back into bed.
You: Come on!! I want some details!
Me: Well, I’m really tired, I have the cocktail flu, and I don’t want to be here right now. Also, Simone is getting bigger by the second and I’m afraid she’s going to start demanding an allowance. I’m not too pleased with her right now.
You: You know that’s not what I meant!! Tell me about last night!
Me: I had one of the most disgusting cocktails on earth. All I remember was that there was ginger in it, it had a kick ass name and a terrible spicy flavor. Awful. God awful. Never ever order the Maldito Amor at Chi-cha Lounge. Swear to me that you won’t do it. Promise me right now!
You: I SWEAR! Now freaking tell me about the speed dating.
Me: Would you like to hear about Brown Poly, the Trekkie, Russian IT Dork or my Dad?
You? WHAT WHAT WHAT?? Your dad was there?? That’s f’ed up! Did you get matched up with your dad?? I think you could actually sue. Right? Incest is illegal. What the hell kind of place did you go to?
Me: It wasn’t actually my dad, it just looked like him. It was Creepy, with a capital C.
You: God, that doesn’t sound so good.
Me: What are you talking about? How could you not want to go out with those upstanding bachelors? They were so. . .um. . .er. . .um. . .interesting.
You: I want to know about all of them!!
Me: You’ll just have to wait and read the next posting. . .
You: You’re a bitch, Catherinette.
Me: I know, but you love me!

Can You Do Me a Favor?

15 Aug

The next time that I decide to go out on a school night, enjoy 1 too many cocktails, and get home at 1:00 in the morning, can one of you please remind me that it’s a bad idea? Me no likey the cocktail flu in combination with an 8:30 meeting. Why I thought it was a good idea to get all boozy Suzy last night is beyond me.

Ugh, someone, anyone, please put me out of my misery.