Archive | 4:33 pm

Oh No She Di’nt

29 Mar

Guess who has gone off and claimed Lit’l Smokey as her own? That’s right, Debbie Downer! Let’s forget about the fact that she could be his grandmother, they’ve said all of 3 words to one another, and he probably doesn’t even rememeber her name. How dare she claim my secret boyfriend as her own?? Oh, it’s going down!!

Okay so she doesn’t know that I’ve claimed him as my own, only Foxy knows. But, according to Mischa, Debbie Downer swoons when she talks to him. Too bad she’s in another aisle and never gets to see MY man. She can sit over there and swoon all she wants. Maybe she’ll pass out and hit her head on the desk on her way down to the floor. That’ll knock some sense into her.

Must go as Lit’l Smokey has returned and seems very eager to look down my dress.

Debbie Downer Does Dating

29 Mar

During a conversation with Mischa a few days ago, she informed me that Debbie Downer is a self admitted ho. From time to time, Debbie Downer had dropped hints to me that she’d slept with dates, but I would try to guide the conversation to other topics so as not to have to hear about her sexual exploits. Poor Mischa has heard the stories over and over. According to her, Debbie Downer has to do it by the 3rd date, or else it’s over. Interesting theory on dating. Could this be the reason that she never seems to make it more than a handful of weeks in any relationship? Let us examine her most recent exercise in dating.

First, a little background: Debbie Downer is skinny, average looking, and in her mid-40’s, though she looks younger than that. The only thing that gives away her age is the bags that she has under her eyes. Of course the bags have to be pretty massive as she’s packed an entire life’s worth of misery and bitching in there. Debbie Downer is also incredibly cheap. She refuses to pay for anything, or even to leave the tip if she’s on a date-or just out with friends. That’s how she rolls. Of the “boyfriends” that I’ve met or seen pictures of, there’s only been 1 or 2 that I would consider to be remotely average looking. She seems to be drawn to men with mustaches, wife beaters, and near mullets. They could almost be middle-aged, out of work p0rn stars. At present, none of them are employed in the adult entertainment industry, instead they seem to be either truck drivers or employees of The Home Depot.

Now that you have an idea of how she is and who she picks, let’s talk about this new guy that she’s with. Date number 1 with Mr. X was held during the day, at the mall. They met up for lunch in the food court-he paid-and then they did some shopping. This included a little trip to Kohl’s where Mr. X purchased a pair of khaki pants for her. Um, gentlemen, can you please let me know how often you buy a pair of pants for a girl on your first day? This is something that is new to me. Date number 1 ends with Mr. X walking her to her car in the parking lot. No hug, no kiss, no nothing.

Date number 2 is a dinner date. He apparently took her to a nice dinner. My guess is that it was at Olive Garden or Outback-you know, romantic and klassy (with a capital K). He paid, again. She didn’t offer to leave the tip or pay for the drinks. Why should she? He should be delighted and enthralled to be in her company. The night ended when he dropped her off at home. No hug, no kiss, no nothing.

By this point, Debbie Downer began freaking out because they hadn’t hit it yet and he hadn’t even tried to kiss her. Her solution, call him up and talk about it. They had made plans to go out for a 3rd time, so under the pretense of finalizing the plans, she called him. During the course of the conversation she blurted out, “So when are we going to do it?” This very much reminds me of Un-boyfriend’s seduction techniques. This is why it was no surprise to me when I heard that he had called her to postpone date number 3. And yet Debbie Downer just can’t fathom why he would do such a thing.

After all, if you were an out of work p0rn star with a semi-mullet, wouldn’t you want to “charm” a skinny, bitter skank out of the $18 khakis that you had purchased for her after a delicious meal at Applebee’s that you had paid for? Ah, sweet romance. . .