Archive | 5:16 pm

Suicidal Tendencies

22 Mar

I have a meeting in 13 minutes and the thought of attending makes me want to run to the bathroom, shatter the mirror, and cut my wrists with the shards of glass. I get screwed over (hard) all the freaking time. Seriously, someone should have told me to buy my own lube when I started here. When the business says, “Bend over,” we say, “how far”-that should be our motto.

Working here must be like being a hooker with cheap clients. We don’t even get cab fare home. Not even a cigarette. We just get up, get dressed, and limp home.

Common phrases I hear in meeting from our business “partners”:
Stop crying.
Stop struggling, this is going to happen.
Stop fightng me, it only makes me want this more.

God I “love” this job.

Hot and Spicy

22 Mar

On Tuesday I wrote about my new crush, Shorty, that started in my department. In the last three days, it’s come to my attention that he totally wants me. Take the following as evidence of his desire to get with me:

  1. He didn’t stare down my shirt. This is a major accomplishment as I wore an EXTREMELY low cut blouse yesterday and made sure to wear a red push up bra underneath. He didn’t look, not once. Now, I know that some of you are probably thinking that he’s gay or just not interested, but you’re wrong. His not looking at my smoking rack clearly indicates that he was exercising extreme control and that he had to talk himself out of looking.
  2. He left his computer unlocked every single time he walked away from his desk. I have this nasty little habit of messing with peoples’ computers if they don’t lock them when they walk them away. This could include flipping the screen upside down (ctrl, alt, and down arrow at the same time), changing the background, adding a brand new screen saver, or sending phony appointments. He’s well aware of this as I flipped his screen at least 10 times on Monday, and yet, he still “forgets” to lock it. This is an indicator that he likes that he’ll have to come back and “scold” me when he returns to his desk. As a matter of fact, yesterday when he wandered away from his desk, he told me all about how he’d been thinking about me (or really what I would have done to his computer) while he was in his meeting. He totally wants me.
  3. Shorty is very much into music. He studied music in college, plays all sorts of instruments, mixes his own music and blah, blah, blah. I had been bombarding him with questions on Tuesday, so Wednesday he brought in a CD with some samples of his music. He wrote the lyrics to all the songs and sings 2 of them. Track 2 is dirty-to say the list. Let’s take a looky loo at some of the lyrics: I never met her/she’s the girl of my dreams/when she looked at me yeah/I wanted to cream/I want to touch you/just want to feel you/from the inside out/don’t want to hurt you baby/but I will if you want me to/I’ll do what you want me to do. I blushed when I heard the lyrics. Up to that point, I just thought that he was a nice young man. He seriously looks like someone who could just up and join the priesthood (and I don’t mean that he looks like a child molester). Shorty just seems to have an innocence about him. In the midst of listening to the song, he mentioned how it was more risqué than the other ones. I asked him who the inspiration for the song was, and he said lots of women. Clearly, he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable by revealing that I was the inspiration.

Conclusion: He totally wants me. Furthermore, Shorty will now be known as Lit’l Smokey because he’s tiny and hot.

Ironic Twist: Part II

22 Mar

This morning something shocking happened: I realized that The Waver and Gunner are the same person. When I was driving past the bus stop, Waver/Gunner started chasing my car again-he was holding the little stick gun in his hand. How upsetting.

It only occurred to me this morning that I had never seen them at the same time, and had wondered why The Waver wasn’t a better influence on Gunner. Duh, it’s because they’re one in the same.