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Protected: An Email Exchange & Conversation with Jack Ass

16 Mar

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16 Mar

premenstrual syndrome
–noun Pathology.
a complex of physical and emotional changes, including depression, irritability, appetite changes, bloating and water retention, breast soreness, and changes in muscular coordination, one or more of which may be experienced in the several days before the onset of menstrual flow.”

Let’s talk about PMS, let’s talk about what really happens during PMS. All of the things written in the media tend to be over exaggerated and false. What you never read anywhere is how incredibly AWESOME PMS is!! Those of you without a menstrual cycle are really missing out on some super hot times! Let me fill you in on the glory that I experience: the roller coaster emotions, the short temper, the ability to devour everything in sight and never get full, and the sheer exhaustion. Let us not forget the massive pimple that also announces to the world that I’m about to go on the rag. I might as well just wave a banner that reads, “Aunt Flo’s Coming to Town!” Who wouldn’t want to experience that?? Let’s look at each symptom in more detail.

Hormones are a very strange thing. It’s odd to think that a shift can cause me to go from calm and collected to an emotional basket case in 0-60 seconds. I could shed tears over nothing at all, including any pet food commercial, or an ad about vacation planning. I’m reduced to tears every time I even think about the old Summer’s Eve commercials when the daughter is asking her mom about the “not so fresh feeling”. I can’t explain it. I found out that my douche bag ex is leaving the company and got incredibly nostalgic for 15 minutes, then it passed. The guy is a jerk and I’d probably punch him in the face if I saw him, assuming I wasn’t too busy ignoring him completely. Of course, since I was PMSing when I found out, I went and got totally nostalgic and cheesy about the whole thing. Thankfully, I resisted the temptation to call/email him to say goodbye, that would have been a bad scene. It probably would have transitioned straight into a violent rage.

I tend to be pretty patient with people, but right around the time that I’m about to get my period, my fuse gets super short. It’s around this time when Jack Ass’s life is most in danger. If he breathes too loudly it makes me want to dive over the cube wall and strangle him. I can just picture his face turning all red, his eyes bulging from his head, and then his tongue popping out of his mouth. It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. Again, I resist the temptation and have to talk myself down. It helps that my friend, Foxy, keeps telling me that she doesn’t want to testify against me.

By far the best part about PMS, and I really mean this, is the incredibly hunger and ability to eat anything and everything in site. My sister and I call this our “bottomless pit day”. The bottomless pit day truly is a blessed day. I always make sure to take full advantage and eat as much as I possibly can on this day. We both could eat all day long and not get full, and do our best to focus on healthy, nutritious foods: fettuccini alfredo, chocolate cake, ice cream, and pizza. We wouldn’t want to go all crazy and eat things that are bad for us. That would just be wrong. Clearly, the tight waist band that occurs right around the same time is not related to the 8000 calories I just inhaled. It’s because I’m retaining water so I’m bloated! SWEET!!

After a long day of weeping, raging, and eating everything in sight, it’s no wonder I’m so exhausted. Bed time for me could be 7:30. Yesterday, I got home at 5:00, put my pajamas on, ate in my bed, and then went to sleep. It freaking rocked!! I love blaming being lazy on PMS, it’s a superb excuse and no one questions it.

PMS is a fabulous excuse for all of the above things, and I’m delighted to partake in blaming any of the above on PMS. Cranky? PMS! Tired? PMS! Eating like a pig in front of your date? PMS! Crying over the new Ford F150 commercial? PMS! Your pants don’t fit? PMS! No one questions it, they just hope you’ll be back to your normal self-really, really soon.

Welcome back to town, Aunt Flo!!