Archive | 3:27 pm

Seduction "Skills"

13 Mar

Un-boyfriend can be very generous, but has the worst seduction skills known to man. Last night we went out to dinner at a cute new restaurant in the area. The place was a fantastic place for a first date (I always file things like this away in the event that I ever end up on a first date again), the conversation was light, there was some flirting, there was wine, and he made me eat 2 of the 3 ice cream cones that we had for dessert. He also kept telling me about a wonderful “gift” he had for me. I knew that he was trying to be clever, but I also knew that he was talking about a $7.00 bouquet that he had picked up at the market around the corner from his house.

On the way back to his place, I had planned to just drop him off, let him run inside to get my flowers, and then go home. Instead, I ended up driving around 20 minutes looking for a bloody parking space. I live out in the burbs and thank the good lord everyday that I have my own driveway. I’d immediately kill myself if I had to drive around all the god damned time looking for a space to park my car. After endless circles up and down the roads, we found a spot about 8 blocks away and walked to his house. I’m 33, I’m not stupid, I knew the second that he wanted me to find a parking space that he wanted to have some sex. Typically, I’m up for it, but I felt that he had been kind of a dick earlier in the day and he didn’t deserve it. Really I was just feeling like being a bitch, so I wasn’t going to go along with his little charade.

When we got to the house, I sat myself down on the couch, he ran around the house doing lord knows what, and then finally gave me my flowers. It was indeed a lovely bouquet-worth $7.00 from the market (I’m such a bitch). I thanked him profusely and told them that they were beautiful, and that it was very nice of him to do that. Here’s when his version of “seduction” began. His attempts to get me in the mood included the following gems: “Let’s have sex.” After I said no the first time, he sat down on the couch next to me, and told me I was sitting too close to him. He turned to me and said, “If you don’t move over I’m going to flick your boob.”

Finally, at the end of the night, after I had repeatedly told him no, he decided it was time to kick it up a notch. He had one last chance before we called it a night. He made one last attempt, “Take your pants off or give me my shoes.” I handed him his shoes, and he walked me to my car.

Butchering the English Language: Part 2

13 Mar

It’s “supposedly” NOT “supposebly.”

Butchering the English Language: Part 1

13 Mar

“Irregardless” is not a word.