Archive | 9:26 pm

Klassy: With a Capital K

12 Mar

I’ve made several statements to the effect that girls can be pretty gross. In this posting, I’d like to share some details about the dirtiest whore I’ve ever met. We’ll call her Skank. Skank is the ex-girlfriend of Un-boyfriend, they dated a long time ago for over a year. As you continue reading this, I believe you’ll ask yourself a question I’ve asked myself many times, “What on earth could he possibly see in her.” The other thing you’ll wonder is how on earth I know all these things. Un-boyfriend has a big mouth and told me everything. Now I’m here to share it with you.

You may think that I’m just being harsh, or jealous of this girl, but you are very wrong. This girl could have been crowned queen of the trailer park. She would have received her very own rhinestone tiara with a big fat K for Klassy (not classy) in the middle. Let me highlight for you why she is such a dirty skank:

  1. Un-boyfriend used to live in a 2 bedroom apartment and he had the master suite. The suite was set up with a bathroom that had the toilet and shower, however, the sink was located in the bedroom (between the bathroom and the closet). On the random occasion where they would “make the sweet love”, she would ask him to go down on her. If he said yes, which he usually would, she would jump out of bed, throw her leg up on the sink, and splash water on her naughty bits, then she’d run back to bed. I understand the idea of being clean, but I’m pretty sure that most partners don’t want to see us “cleansing” ourselves in such a matter (am I wrong here?). Anyway, on one occasion, she asked him if she “smelled”. He was honest and said that she could be cleaner. Her response was (wait for it), “If you order tuna, you’re going to get tuna.” Klassy.
  2. Skank didn’t like to be alone, not even when she went to the bathroom. In the event that nature called, she would go into the bathroom, leave the door open and ask Un-boyfriend to talk with her-even if she was dropping the kids off at the pool (so to speak). One day when she was through, she asked him if he had a coat hanger. When he asked her why, she told him that “it” wouldn’t flush. Not only did he give her the coat hanger, but he had to help her shove “it” down the toilet. Klassy. If you ask me, people should live their entire lives without ever having to help someone else get “it” to flush down the toilet.
  3. For whatever reason, she enjoyed farting in front of others. I was raised in a nice middle class family where you just don’t do that. As far as I’m concerned, ladies don’t pass gas and we certainly do not poop-we just hold it in forever and ever and then we die. One thing she highly enjoyed was crawling into Un-boyfriend’s lap, cuddling up with him, and then farting a very loud one on him. She thought this was incredibly amusing-the rest of the people in the room did not. The other thing (and this is wicked classy right here) she enjoyed was having farting contests–with her mother-in his car. KLASSY!

Sadly, their relationship ended. That’s another story unto itself, we’ll save it for a rainy day. My friends and I still very much enjoy talking about her and her disgusting habits-especially when Un-boyfriend is around. For whatever reason, he doesn’t find it very amusing. When we go out for sushi, I always remind him that “if you order tuna, you’re going to get tuna.” He never orders it.