Archive | 4:57 pm

My Friend’s Death Wish

9 Mar

Last week when I was in Florida, my friend “the babe” introduced me to her hot little intern. The kid has to be about 7 (or 23) years old, and he’s fine. He looks much older than he is, mainly because he’s gone prematurely gray. The point is, he’s hot.

Yesterday the babe asked me if I could help her find some documents that hotty intern needed. I sent her the stuff-I’m so resourceful-and she asked me if there was a message I wanted her to pass along to him. I wrote: “Yeah, tell him that I’m still waiting for his phone calls and the flowers that he never sent me haven’t arrived yet.” God, I’m so funny.

Thirty minutes late I get this message from hotty intern: “Hey there Catherinette, the babe told me that you were waiting on my flowers, I obviously couldn’t send them out until I knew which ones you like (and I don’t want the babe to get too jealous). -Hotty Intern.”

I’d like to point out 2 things here: 1) I’m going to kill the babe the next time I see her, 2) I’m going to go ahead and pretend that hotty intern has a crush on me. God I love to have imaginary relationships.

Hotty intern has just been promoted to secret boyfriend: so secret he doesn’t even know about it.

Why, God? Why?

9 Mar

Newt Gingrich is a pig. If you haven’t heard the news, Gingrich has acknowledged that he was having an affair at the same time he was leading the crusade to have Clinton impeached for (drum roll, please) having an affair. Umm, doesn’t that make him a hypocrite? A pig and a hypocrite. What a catch!

People, there’s something that I need to know: What could possess someone to have an affair with this man? Let’s make a pledge, ladies: if we ever feel so low that we decide having an affair with a man like Newt Gingrich sounds like a good idea, let’s just throw ourselves out the nearest window instead. Even if it’s a first story window.