Archive | 8:55 pm

Free BJs!!

8 Mar

Un-boyfriend (AKA Best Friend-Booty Call, or BFBC) and I have known each other for almost 10 years. Back in the day, we dated for 2 years, but that didn’t work out for us. We parted ways once he decided he didn’t want to be with me because I didn’t see us having a future together. Anyway, we’ve remained very close friends and hook up from time to time.

Last year on his birthday, I gave him a card and slipped a piece of paper into the card. On one side of the paper I wrote, “BJ”, and on the other I wrote, “Now you can tell all your friends you got a bj on your birthday.” It cracked me up, mostly because he wasn’t amused.

Fast forward 6 months when he starts talking about redeeming his coupon for a bj. Coupon? What coupon? He insists that the piece of paper is a coupon and that I am bound to obligate. I disagree wholeheartedly. If he wants to pretend it’s a coupon, fine, but he’ll have to redeem it elsewhere. For months we’ve gone back and forth over the whole thing and it enrages him that I don’t see things his way. Of course, I also completely refuse just because it’s funny to see him bent out of shape over the whole thing. Cruel, so cruel.

Anyway, Un-boyfriend’s birthday is right around the corner, and the question again becomes: is it a coupon or not?

Top 10 Things I Like To Imagine My Future Husband Will Say:

8 Mar
  1. No, baby, you stay in bed, it’s cold outside. Let me get you some coffee then I’ll go shovel the snow.
  2. I hate blow jobs.
  3. Before you leave, take my credit card and buy yourself that $1800 Chloe bag you’ve been eying.
  4. Baby, I’m on my way to mow the lawn and pull some weeds.
  5. No, no, let’s go see that new movie that you want to see. Blade 7 will just have to wait.
  6. That was a delicious dinner. Please, let me do the dishes and clean up while you go and relax.
  7. I’ve just cleaned the kitchen, now I’m on the way to change the oil in your car.
  8. I love it when you smell like maple syrup.
  9. Look at the beautiful new diamond/pearl jewelry I just bought you from Tiffany’s!!
  10. What pimple?

You Make Me Want To Be A Better Fan

8 Mar

This morning on my way to work, I listened to your little interview on NPR. You’re a funny man, John Mayer. You amuse me. This was the second time that I had heard an interview that you had done and I’ve decided that I’m going to like you. Your music doesn’t always do it for me, but I feel I owe it to you.

I will go out and buy your new CD, John Mayer. It’s not because I love your music, and it’s not because you’re nailing Jessica Simpson. It’s because you are funny to me.

Rock on, John Mayer. Rock on.

Click here to listen to the interview