Archive | 9:36 pm

The Ladies’ Locker Room Demystified

6 Mar

I’m here to debunk the mysteries of the ladies’ locker room. Gentlemen, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this: there are no naked pillow fights in the locker room. We do not soap one another up in the showers, nor do we lotion each other up afterwards. Instead, here’s what life in the locker room is really like: disturbing. It’s a common misconception that the girls’ room is cleaner than the men’s. That’s just a lie, a filthy, dirty lie. Those of you that have ever gone into the ladies’ room at a bar know that the sights and smells can be extremely nauseating.

Let me describe what it’s like in our locker room: there are dirty towels all over the place, a random flip-flop here and there, and frequently there are also discarded panties in a puddle of dirty shower water. Doesn’t one notice when she’s missing her panties? The very odd thing is that there’s a random pair of panties at least once a week. Shouldn’t we all learn from other’s mistakes? Every time I see panties on the floor it makes me just wonder who the hell these women are that are just dropping their under things into dirty shower water. Most likely it’s a senior manager who thinks she can just leave her sh*t lying around and one of her lackeys will clean up her mess.

The other thing that thoroughly disgusts me is the hair all over the place. I don’t mean pubic hair, I mean hair from someone’s head. Long nasty strands of women’s hair. Gross. We have 6 shower stalls at our gym, the best one is the handicap stall which provides one with far more space. There is some dirty little bitch that showers there and leaves her hair EVERYWHERE, and I mean everywhere. Here’s my question: What the hell are you doing in there that you’re getting your hair at eye level? Are you rubbing your head on the shower walls? It’s just not natural. And can’t you just take a minute or 2 to rinse the walls when you’re done? If I find out who you are, I’ll give you an extremely dirty look and cuss you out (in my own mind). That will teach you.

Come on, ladies. Stop being so gross.

Oh Happy Day!

6 Mar

My hair looks like a rat’s nest and I have a brand new pimple under my nose. You know what that means?? I’ll be meeting some hotty hot hotterton at some point today. He, of course, will think to himself, “Who is this poor mess of a girl with a rat’s nest for hair and a pimple? No wonder she’s single.”

It’s going to be a stellar day. . .