There are things that people never tell you as you grow up. Things that you believe will change in your life once you reach your 30’s. We’ll I’m here to straighten you out.
You’ll stop breaking out.
Is there a point when they ever stop? I look nothing like a teenager, and yet my face likes to pretend like I’m still 15. It insists on providing me with a nice pimple from time to time-preferably when I’m going to be around someone that I have a crush on or in some extremely important meeting. Aren’t the hormone levels in my body supposed to change at some point? Do I have to wait until I go through menopause to have clear skin?
There will be no random hook-ups.
When I was younger, I thought that “older” people had a better hold on their hormones. In my mind, they would be able to think ahead, see what was coming, and then talk themselves out of doing it. Self respect and self control, I thought these would come with age. Apparently not. We all seem to experience the same rush that any high schooler or college kid would-only now there’s an incredible sense of desperation. It’s the “I might as well get it when I can” feeling. Let me tell you, it’s a “fabulous” feeling.
As you age, you’re better able to hold your liquor and won’t get hungover.
Lies, complete and total lies. About 7 years ago, I started experiencing this awful new thing: waking up drunk. That has to be one of the world’s worst feelings-especially if I have to spend time with the family or go to work during the day. It gets even “better” when the hangover hits about 2:00 in the afternoon. When I was in college, my hangover would consist of a minor headache. Nowadays, it consists of me enjoying one of the following: the desire to throw myself down the stairs to put myself out of my misery, wishing the waves of nausea would end so I could just die in peace, or having a panic attack in my bed because I know I’m going to puke again.
You’ll have better control of your finances.
Okay, so maybe some people do. I, however, still wonder how $50,000 a year isn’t enough to pay mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, cable, car payment, insurance, credit card payments, and entertainment expenses. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’d prefer to go out to some fancy restaurant than to pay my phone bill. Those late charges really add up.
You’ll have a family of your own.
Guess what? That knock on my door at the age of 30, you know the one with the instant husband and kids, seems to have stopped by when I wasn’t home. When I was younger I would have sworn on anything that I’d be married with kids by the time I was 25. When I was 25, I was convinced that it would happen by the time I was 30. At 30, I was thinking maybe 33 would be for me. Now at 33, I’m thinking that maybe 40 will work out. Wonder at which point one stops hoping for this?
I’m very much looking forward to what my 40’s will bring. And when I say that “I’m looking forward” to it, I mean I’m totally dreading every second.