Breakfast of Champions

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  Frankly, I can’t function unless I eat a little something in the mornings.  Today is no exception.  My breakfast consisted of 2 Tylenol, 4 Advil, 1 antibiotic, and some Cherry Coke Zero.  That’s right, kids, I’m getting sick again.  My throat is sore, my head hurts, and as a cherry on this sickness sundae, I just realized I have a bladder infection.  Super.  My life totally rules right now.

You know the best part?  Tomorrow I’m supposed to go back to work after 6 weeks of being off.  I have a very bad feeling that I might have to call out sick.  Don’t think that they’re going to love that.

Click here because you think I could use some vitamin BJ to ease my sore throat.

Don’t Get Saucy With Me, Bernaise

That Mel Brooks is a comic genius.  Everything he does cracks me up.  The first time I saw “High Anxiety” I was about 9 years old.  And let’s not forget “Spaceballs“.  By far, however, his best movie was ”History of the World: Part 1“.  I’ve seen the movie at least a million times and could easily watch it another million times.  I swear it cracks me up every single time.

For the 7 of you that haven’t seen the movie, here’s a little clip of the late Madeline Kahn choosing her escorts for the midnight orgy.

It’s a freaking classic.

Put Me On Your “Do Not Call” List

For the freaking love.  Why won’t she just leave me alone sometimes?  Tonight is the first night in about 3 weeks that I am by myself.  I’m tired, my house is a freaking mess, and I have no interest in being around other people.  All I want to do is lay in my bed, watch some bad programming, and perhaps eat some junk food.  My mother has called me 6 times today, and each time I told her that I didn’t feel like talking.  3 times ago I ended the conversation with, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  How does she respond?  By calling me 2 more times to ask me stupid shit.

Let me give you the set up of today’s lame ass calls.  My mother is single.  She has been for quite sometime.  She is a good looking, smart, sophisticated woman, who could find a man if she really wanted.  For a long time, she said she did not.  Every once in awhile (about once a year), she decides that she will look for love.  And every god damned year she asks me to help with her god damned online profile.  Here’s the thing, she asks me the stupidest questions on the face of the earth.  Witness today’s exchange:

• Me: Hello?
• Mom: If I sign up for Voldematch.com do I have to use my email address?
• Me: [Pissed that she's intruding on my night of solitude and holding back from telling her to leave me the hell alone and just read the stupid instructions] Yes you do.  But the men won’t see your email address.  They’ll contact you through the site.
• Mom: Oh.  How tall am I?
• Me: [Really?  Really are you asking me a question you know the answer to?] 5′3″.
• Mom: 5′5″?
• Me: [Red in the face with rage] No. 5′3″.
• Mom: Okay.  Thank you.  I won’t bother you again.

5 freaking minutes later.

• Me: {Even more irritated than before.] Yes?
• Mom: What’s my body type?  Slender, above average, curvy, a few extra pounds?
• Me: Are you serious?
• Mom: Yes.  What do I put?
• Me: Slender because that’s what you are.
• Mom: [Irritated because of my tone.]  Fine.  I’ll just do this by myself.

Wait a second.  What the hell is she getting pissed about?  I already told her that I didn’t want to talk on the phone and she thinks it’s okay to harass me with something she’s done 10,000 times and ask me stupid questions to which she knows the answer?  What’s next?  Will she call me to ask me my sister’s name?  No, wait, perhaps she’ll want to call me to let me know that today is Thursday and tomorrow is Friday.

Apparently, she took the hint.  I just called my sister to give her a little reading of this post (because we both enjoy mocking mom).  She doesn’t have time to hear it right now.  You see, she’s on the phone with my mom trying to help her with her profile.

Good luck, sis.  You’re going to freaking need it.

Okay, apparently she did not take the hint because she just called me again and asked me to help her.  I told her she’d have to wait until tomorrow.  I would take the phone off the hook, but if she tries to call me for the one billionth time tonight and I don’t answer, she’ll think I’m dead at the bottom of the stairs. 

Click here because you feel bad for me.

Mini Meltdown

My eyes!!  My eyes!!  I’ve done something horribly stupid and now I cannot stop my eyes from bleeding, nor can I get the image out of my head.  Why, dear Lord?  Why did I make such an incredibly stupid decision?  Good God, maybe I’m still really sick.  Perhaps the terrible infection that has caused me to miss 6 weeks of work is rotting my brain and impairing my judgement.

My eyes!  The images will stay with me forever.  I won’t be able to sleep tonight, and if by some miracle I manage to fall asleep-I’ll have terrible nightmares.  In these scary dreams it will be me instead of that girl.  Oh God, I may never sleep again.  Ugh, my stomach is seriously freaking churning. 

Gross.  Gross.  Gross.

No doubt some of you have heard that Vern Troyer (AKA Mini Me from the “Austin Powers” franchise) made a dirty movie with his now ex-girlfriend.  [Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth for a second.]  Well, TMZ happens to have a little clip of said film.  Gross.  Vomiting in my mouth.  Granted, what they show is pretty tame, but it’s still enough to make me want to vomit and die-though not necessarily in that order.  Why did I have to go and watch it?  WHY??

Ugh.  I might have to throw myself down the stairs to end my misery. 

Disgusting.  Freaking gross and nasty and vomit-worthy. 

Here’s the thing.  I know that there are some of you out there that also enjoy making some pretty bad decisions.  Consider yourselves lucky, kids.  Here’s the link to the TMZ clip.  I warn you: make sure you haven’t eaten anything before you watch the clip.

Must go and vomit now.

So Busy & Important

I have returned from vacation!!  The picc line is gone, I’m still not at work, I have about 60 comments to respond to, and I haven’t caught up on anyone’s postings. 

God, I’m totally beat.  Let met tell you about how thrilling my day has been:  I woke up at 7:00 to let the dog out, then went back to bed until 11:00 (3D and I were up late “talking”).  Spent 20 minutes cleaning his shower and bathroom sink.  Unloaded the dishwasher.  Took a shower.  Then I played on the computer.  All of this is making me tired and I’m considering going back to bed for another 2 hours.  Or maybe I’m tired because I haven’t had anything to eat since 9:00 last night.  Who knows.  What I do know is that being off of work is exhausting!

Next Monday I go back to work-no more life of leisure for me.  The prospect of getting up at 6:30 in the morning and being trapped in my cubicle or attending boring meetings doesn’t really appeal to me.  What I am looking forward to is seeing my friends, having more time to post (that’s all for you, kids), and feeling like I’m actually productive.  I could totally get used to this whole not working thing, though I’d have to have more to do than run errands and do chores.  Chores and I, we don’t mix.

The other thing I’m looking forward to is my social life picking back up again.  That whole being-in-the-hospital-and-practically-dying really puts a damper on the social life.  Kind of hard to go out and get your boozy suzy on when you’re too tired, on antibiotics, and sporting a stupid picc line.  Last week on vacation, though, I did enjoy a little bit of booze.  Then on Sunday night, to celebrate the removal of the picc line, 3D and I drank an entire bottle of Prosecco.  Is that wrong.

Tonight is going to be a very special night which really does signify the return of girl dates!  I get to see Muffy and Lola tonight AND I’m going to have a cocktail with them!  Woo hoo!!  Then I’m coming home and getting some. 

What could be better than that?

Just the Tip Tuesday (July 1, 2008)

Oh how I love Just the Tip Tuesday’s.  In honor of our upcoming Independence Day this Friday, I thought it would be a good idea to focus on a hot politician.  Sure, Lincoln was tall and probably had a large peice, and JFK was popular with the ladies.  Neither one of those was my type. 

You know who I had a massive crush on way back when I was 18?  None other than Senator and VP to be, Al Gore.

You just can’t go wrong with a young Al Gore.  You can’t!  So, my friends, go out there and celebrate with your cookouts, and your booze, and do your part for the country to imagine some tomfoolery with our ex-Vice President.*

Amadeo, for you I suggest perhaps someone with a bigger bosom.  She may not be a real politician, but she did try to run against Schwarzenegger.  Mary Carey would definitely give you that nip slip you’ve been looking for.  If you click on this link you will see nipple-consider yourself warned.

Festive Fun Times

Okay, people, we’re in day 5 of vacation and I have a thrilling announcement to make.  Ready for this one?  I think you should probably sit down for this one.  Go ahead, put your drink down and have a seat.

Okay.  Ready?

Tomorrow morning, 3D is flying up here and joining us for a few days.  He has officially been invited to join us on our little family vacation.  Poor bastard doesn’t know what he’s in for.  First of all he has to sleep in his own room, though he does get his choice of 3 twin sized beds.  Second, the room that he’s in is right next to the kids, meaning that he’ll be up by 5:30 every single morning.  Please to enjoy.  Finally, I’m on my period.  He will have come up all of this way and won’t be able to go anywhere near Vangalina Jolie.  Maybe if he’s really lucky I’ll get super bitchy and Simone will make a very special guest appearance. 

Poor guy.  I did warn him…

Still, it’s exciting times and I can’t wait!!

Just the Tip Tuesday (06/24/08)

I’m on borrowed time, people.  I only have about 5 minutes worth of oxygen left in this SUV before I pass out.  Still, I didn’t want you to miss a Just the Tip Tuesday (that’s how dedicated I am to you).

People, Rodrigo Santoro is hot.

 

Mama likey.  You may recognize him from “Charlie’s Angels”, “Love Actually”, and/or “300″.  I would like to strip him naked and lick him.

That is all.  You complete me.

Why-fi?

Why, Cape Cod?  Why?  How freaking hard is it to find a hot spot with wifi around here.  The people that we rented the house from lied and said there was wifi.  After 6 hours of trying to connect to the internet, and having a slight panic attack, I left the house.  I’m not parked outside of some freaking A&W that is currently closing and stealing someone’s signal.

I’m a thief.  Also, it’s pouring so the windows are rolled up and I’m starting to lose air.  I have a problem.  I’m addicted to the web.  I managed to survive blood poisoning and some crazy ass infection.  I survived the trip up here with 2 screaming toddlers, and a family fighting over directions and what hotels to stay in.  I even managed survive sitting in the very back of this stinking SUV.  But this lack of oxygen may be the end of me. If I die in this car tonight, I want you to know one thing-I didn’t have a rootbeer float tonight.

Click here because you don’t want me to die.

Medicate This

Today’s the day.  I’ve been waiting almost 4 months for this day to come and I’m ready to freaking go.  It’s vacation day!!  I barely slept last night, managed to pack in about 15 minutes and am totally ready to roll out the door.

I’m packed, the house is clean, the bed is made, and I can’t freaking leave.  Neighbor Care is supposed to be delivering the final dosages of my iv antibiotics any second now.  Yesterday they gave me a window of 9:00-12:00, and I’ve been sitting on my couch since 9:00 this morning.  It is almost 12:00 now and they’re still not here.  Bastards.  Every 10 minutes I happen to look out the window in hopes that I’ll see the delivery guy.  No such luck. 

11:53: Is it that much to ask that they just get here early so I can pack myself in the SUV with 2 screaming children and drive for 9 hours or until someone is near death?  Come on!!  I’m freaking ready to get out of here!!  Super, guess I’ll just keep sitting on my couch staring out the window every few minutes.

11:59:  Here’s what I imagine will happen.  They will not end up delivering until about 4:00, and they will experience my wrath.  What’s more, they’ll probably also experience the wrath of my mother as she’s also ready to hit the road.  Maybe I should just call her and tell her to bitch out Neighbor Care now so they can still make their scheduled delivery time.  Is it wrong to use her powers of making others cry for evil instead of good?

12:01:  There’s a really bad new version of “Sweet Home Alabama” on the radio.  Here’s a question: why can’t people just write new songs/movies/TV programs instead of recycling old stuff?

12:05: Maybe I should eat something.  I’m so freaking hungry.  Oh, wait, there’s no food in the house and I can’t leave.  Great, maybe I’ll pass out from hunger and won’t be able to answer the door when they finally show up and then I’ll die on the floor and won’t get to go on vacation.  This is not going as well as I had hoped.

12:08: I can’t find the Neighbor Care number on the web.  Do you realize what this means?  I’m actually going to have to get up off the couch, walk 8 paces, and rifle through my bag for the number.  I barely have the energy to type this post, much less move off the couch.  Lack of sleep and food will do that to a person.

12:10: On the phone with them now.  They are officially 10 minutes late, but “should be on their way.”  That’s code for “we forgot to put your order in and are going to send someone out in the next 2 hours.”  Ergh.

12:12: Still not here.

12:15: I’m starting to get angry now, and you don’t want to see me when I’m angry.

12:16: Know what makes me even more angry?  They offered to drop the stuff off last night between 7:00 and 9:00, but I told them no.  You see, I took 3D over to my sister’s house for dinner last night.  I really wanted pizza.  I should have just stayed home and we’d be on the road by now…

12:20: F this, someone is going down (and not in a good way)!!

12:24: Okay, I give up.  I’m just going to take a nap and they can wake me up in 2 hours when they get here.  Bastards.  Thanks for ruining everything.

Click here because they should be punished for ruining everything.