Welcome to Massterpiece Theatre

There just aren’t enough people out there providing snarky reviews about adult films for the public.  There’s an opening (so to speak) and Jewcy Bits and I are going to fill it.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, the 2 of us are now going to be writing reviews about porn.  Get psyched!!

After much debate (I’m talking a full 3 to 4 minutes) we figured the best place to start was with that wonderful movie that she lent me the other day: Ass Painters.  The correct title is actually “Anal Artists”, but we like calling it Ass Painters, it just feels right.  After all, if we have to suffer, it’s only fair that you suffer along with us.  Plus there were several of you that mentioned that you wanted to know about the film. 

I’m warning you right now that if you are at work, you do NOT want to read any further.  This review will not be for the feint of heart.  No, I’m not including any pictures, but there will be talk of raunchy sex act that involve all sorts of nonsense with the backside of various drug addicted aspiring starlets suffering from low self esteem and literally willing to do anything for a buck.  

And away we go…

This isn’t one of those high quality films made by Jenna Jameson, this is one of those scary movies where they probably paid the stars $50 and a baggie of crack.  There aren’t going to be any special effects, or witty dialogue.  Instead we’ll be seeing some stars with bad skin, terrible acting skills, and what Jewcy Bits likes to call “the pink sock” (the thought makes me want to throw up and die).  Why did I have dinner before putting myself through this?  Why?

Scene 1

We open with a man that looks an awful lot like Barack Obama in a cheap suit and a woman with a terrible dye job.  He asks her if she can take a look at his office and provide some fancy art work.  In response, she decides to strip off her clothes and explains that she intends to be the one that decorates his office.  Mind you, she slurs every single word.  I’m pretty sure that dye job hit the vodka pretty hard before the filming.   Would you look at that?  We’re only 3 minutes in and she’s already offering up the Bartles & Jaymes – imagine that.  You’ll be shocked to hear that Barack Obama 2 is well endowed.  11 minutes in and they’re already doing it.  We get a close up of Dye Job’s “whispering eye” (I think you catch my drift) and it’s clear that this is not her first film.  You ever hear of those poor cats with prolapsed anuses?  Essentially they’re butts basically fall out of them and you have to push the back in, well it looks like Dye Job may turn out like one of those cats at any minute.  Disgusting, I know – and we’re only 12 minutes in now.  Ugh, now he’s decided that it’s time to provide her with some Obamalicious oral skills.

Blah, blah, etc. blah, they continue to do it and I’m having trouble keeping my food down.  Blech.  Disgusting, he just Baracked all over her face.  So nasty. 

We suddenly cut to some random room where Dye Job is putting blue paint all over her body, then she lays down on a canvas, signs it (we learn her name is Mila).  She’s a regular PicASSo.  Guess it’s time for another vodka and maybe a little valium.  Um, I wonder if all those kids that go to art school know about this really different technique.

Scene 2

A different tramp in a fishnetish top and red pleather skirt is taking advantage herself on a bed that looks like it’s covered in a blanket made of stuffed animal fur.  To add a touch of class, there’s a blue pillow with some lace on it.  Pleather Skirt is interrupted by her “artist” friend, another chick that’s wearing white boots, a corset, and what can only be described as a tutu.  I think I know where we’re going here: it’s time for a little girl on girl action.  Tutu explains how stressed she is from all of the art, and Pleather Skirt offers to give her a “massage”.  Now there’s some riveting dialogue about how “hot” they both are for one another and I can feel the vomit rising in my throat.  Tutu has some really long fingernails, I don’t think that’s going to turn out well for Pleather Skirt.  Imagine that, they’re both totally overacting.  Who the hell did Pleather Skirts hair?  It looks like she hasn’t washed it in days and has two little white hair clips in it.  Not attractive.

Fast forward.  Now there’s candle wax and I’m 100% positive that this will give me nightmares.  Tutu is pouring the wax on her own naughty bits.  I hope there’s someone with a burn kit standing by.

Now they’ve moved into another room and Tutu has a paint brush stuck her backside and is “painting”.  Wait, it gets worse.  She’s now taken yellow paint, squirted it into her butt, and is now squirting it out onto the canvas.  Oh goody, now she’s moving onto pink paint.  Meanwhile, Pleather Girl is saying such things as “So pretty.”  Now it’s blue paint and the sound it makes coming out is so freaking disturbing that I’m questioning why on God’s green earth I’m exposing myself or anyone else to it.

Scene 3

I don’t think these 2 have said anything to one another, plus the dude is already sweating.  It’s nasty enough watching some of these movies, but then when the guy is all sweaty it makes it even more disgusting.  This scene is full of romance as Sweaty Guy is saying things like, “Yeah, that’s right.  Suck it.  Yeah, suck me.  Yeah, give me your mouth.  Oh yeah.  Yeah, sweetie.  Give me your mouth.”  I think you can guess what they’re doing.  There’s only one thing to do: skip to the next scene.

Scene 4

We’re in an apartment with a landlord and a prospective client.  The rent is $600 a month plus utilities, the client thinks it’s a little much, the landlord may be persuaded to throw in the first month free.  She’s up for the challenge and the nastiness begins.  We’re going to watch this scene in fast forward because I can’t take the dialogue or those disgusting “mmm” sounds.  FYI: I think she might lose one of those rings inside herself if she’s not careful.

Scene 5

A Polka Dots is showing off her apartment to her girlfriend, Red.  Surprise!  When they walk in the bedroom there are 2 HUGE  dildos on the bed – and there’s a vibrator in there too, just in case.  I’m scared.  Polka Dots has clearly been spending some time at the tanning salon because her skin color isn’t natural.  They continue to spend some quality time with one another and we suddenly see Polka Dot’s backside.  You remember how I mentioned that Dye Job looked like one of those cats?  Well, Polka Dots is way past that point.  This is where the “pink sock” comes in.  It basically looks like her asshole is a pink sock because it’s outside of her body. 

They’re now in a different room and there’s a rack with 4 enema bottles.

Fuck this, I’m out.  I know what they intend to do with those bottles and I don’t want to see it.  It’s hard to believe that there’s a market for this kind of freaky deaky shit.  Whatever happened to those classic films like, “Behind the Green Door” or “Debbie Does Dallas”?  Can’t we go back to those good old days and not be exposed to Pooper Troopers starring P-anal-pee Cruz? 

I feel so dirty right now.  I’m going to go soak myself in a bathtub full of bleach while I try to drink the visions out of my head.  I hope you’re happy.