An Important Question for All Humanity

Riddle me this, Batman: why on God’s green earth do parents feel it’s important to share the following:

• Their child has a persistent diaper rash
• Their kid’s obsession with Oscar the Grouch and or Big Bird
• The difficulty they’re having in potty training their kid
• Other boring ass minutiae that NO ONE cares about regarding their child’s runny nose and inability to grasp the concept of the English language

No one cares.  NO ONE!  Stop boring us with these boring tales or I’m going to start telling you all about the 8 hours of sleep I got last night and how I started on the right side of the bed, then rolled over to the middle, then at some point I kicked off the covers, and then I got up to pee in the middle of the night.

Did the knowledge of my slumber improve the quality of your life?  No.  And hearing about your kid’s love for Cheerios is doing nothing for mine. 

Why Are So Many People Interested in Michael Flatley

I’ve noticed a very disturbing trend over the last few days: people are actually entering “Michael Flatley” as  a search term and winding up here.

Most of us lead busy lives.  Most of us have unique interests, but I can’t imagine what the hell type of person would every want to search the internet for information on Michael Flatley?  Did you lose a bet?  Are you trying to make yourself feel better about yourself because you don’t prance around in leather pants with that stupid headband wrapped around your head?

Look at me! I’m a Douche Bag!

I just don’t get it.  Someone please explain to me why people want research Michael Flatley.

There’s a Fine Line Between Lust and Stalking…And I’m About to Cross It

My dreamy hot client is back in town for the week.  I’ve been hoping to catch a glimpse of him while he’s here, but all attempts have failed.  Right up until this morning when I realized that he was in one of our training rooms less than 100 feet away from my desk. 

I walked past the room on my way to meeting in another building this morning, the door was open and there he was – in all his glory (but sadly, clothed).  I wrapped up my meeting early and paraded past the room and willed him to look out the window and see me.

FAIL!

Then I convinced Foxy to walk to the mailbox with me.  This, of course, was just another ploy to walk past his room 2 more times. 

He’s totally playing hard to get.  I know that he wants me by the way that he didn’t even look up when I walked past the room 4 times.  Man, it’s so obvious that it’s not even funny.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to coming up with 100 more excuses to walk past the room so that he ignores me some more.

Just the Tip Tuesday (11/03/09)

Before we get into this week’s JTT, I need you to do me a solid.  So last week I was bitch-tweeting about how Kate Gosselin sucks ass, and one of my fellow bloggers challenged me to a duel.  She is attempting to help the people see the good and how Kate is a victim of circumstance and blah, blah, gay.  Meanwhile, I stand for the people when I say that Kate Gosselin sucks.  I am begging you to go to The Catherinette Chronicles [will pop up on new window] and comment about what a giant suck bag Kate is!  Come on!  Then come back here and please to enjoy this week’s JTT.

And now back to our regularly scheduled JTT…

A while back my mom started talking about NCIS.  I suspected that she was just bored with her time and couldn’t think of anything else to do.  Then something tragic happened: I ran out of Law & Order SVU episodes to watch.  In my time of need, I turned to NCIS.  At first, I thought the show was wicked lame – especially Abby.

Then I noticed Michael Weatherly as Agent Dinozzo:

Dude is hot.  I mean, he’s no Ryan Dodge or anything, but he’s still hot.  And he’s funny.  And Abby still sucks.

Ryan, call me…

See Catherinette and Jewcy Bits Like You’ve Always Wanted To!

There’s nothing like going out on Halloween and enjoying the many sites that Baltimore has to offer. 

Some people went ALL out on the costumes this year.  For example, there was the slutty sailor, slutty Harry Potter chick, slutty nurse, slutty pirate, slutty student, slutty slut, slutty Octomom, and even the slutty green crayon.  Ladies, ladies, ladies, what ever happened to self respect? 

A slutty green crayon?  Really?  Yes, it’s true.  And she was HAMMERED and saying all sorts of indecent things in the elevator.  She even used the n word and then her friend started singing about how she was an n lover.  I’ve seen a lot of drunk people in my life, but the slutty green crayon and her friends were easily the dumbest drunk people I have ever seen.  Ever.

Then you have the chicks that think they look hot in their slutty costumes and they actually make your eyes bleed.  Take “France” for example.

Check out all my fat rolls!

Clearly this girl’s “friends” hate her or else they would have encouraged her to wear something more flattering.  It’s clear this girl needs some help from Operation Muffin Top(ple).

Oh!  Wait!  It gets better.  On the way to the concer that we went to on Halloween night, Jewcy Bits and I saw some dude taking a dump in the parking garage.  So klassy!!  YEAH!  There were some drunk assholes at the concert, and I was pretty sure that Lola and Jewcy Bits were going to start throwing elbows and splitting some bitch lips.  Thankfully, we were able to leave the concert without causing any damage – aside from what we did to our livers.

Now, what you’ve all been waiting for: a picture of me and Jewcy Bits together!  Your dreams are about to come true…

If Loving My Client Is Wrong, I Don’t Want to Be Right

**SWOON**

He’s so dreamy…

And he’s tall.

And he’s so funny.

And he thinks I’m hilarious.

And he looks at my boobs when I’m not looking (at least that’s what I keep telling myself).

And he wants me.

And he’s freaking married.  Damn it!!  Why must he be happily married and live in another state?  I freaking hate it when that happens.

But you know what??  Yesterday, he came to visit me, and we were standing in my cubicle and our shoulders were touching, and he totally wants me but he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife so he’s totally torn and he doesn’t know what to do because I’m the woman that he has always dreamt of and we’re perfect for one another but we feel terrible hurting his wife and breaking up his marriage so we’ve decided to keep our love under wraps.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

**SWOON**

I Always Wanted Some Freckles

Un-boyfriend enjoys telling people that he dumped me.  He often neglects to mention that the real reason we broke up is that I didn’t see the relationship going any further and he thought we had a future together.  You say “tomato”, I say “I dumped you.”  Whatever.

The night before we broke up, we were at a huge party and I happened to let this hot red headed guy, let’s call him Freckles, give my hooters a squeeze.  Hey, I was drunk AND had a massive crush on Freckles.  Shockingly enough, that pissed Un-boyfriend off and he proceeded to hang all over me like white on rice. 

It’s been 10 years since Un-boyfriend and I broke up and 9 since Freckles moved away.  Yesterday, I got a facebook friend request from Freckles and I swooned the second I got it.  Right after accepting the request, I emailed Un-boyfriend,

You know who just sent me a facebook friend request?  That dude that squeezed my hooters in front of you the night before we broke up.  Man was he hot.  Still can’t see why you got so mad.  It’s not like you and I were dating or anything…oh wait, we were.

He responded back with,

You were a jerkwad that night.  I do remember you wearing some miller lite flashing light thing.  And you wonder why I hate you.  We probably would have lasted longer if I had just thrown some beads at you and yelled at you to show your tits.

Now, how about you make me a taco and while you’re at it, my bathroom needs a good scrub down.  Do it or I’ll report you to immigration.

It’s a wonder we didn’t work out.

What Gives?

Explain to me why everyone keeps checking the peen counter over there on the upper right hand side of the blog?  Has there been any secret indication that there might have been a close encounter of the peen kind?

There have been 116 hits in the last 30 days.  And that’s hits to the counter, not to my bits. 

So, what gives?