American Girls are Stupid Sluts

28 Jan

My poor, poor inner thighs are chafed from walking all over town yesterday in the hot hot heat.  Clear sign that my fatness is getting in my way of a good time.  The only thing that seems to help is taking the cookie I’m about to eat and rubbing it on my inner thighs before popping it in my mouth.  I was out half the day with that friend of a friend who I wrote about yesterday.  There is only one word to describe her: skank.

“Have you ever done drugs before?”  This is what she asked me within an hour of meeting her.  “Not really my scene,” I told her.  Which is totally true. We were sitting in a window seat at this cute little cafe.  Me feeling fat, her dressed like she had just come in from a run, and her “friend” who hadn’t been home since the night before and was nursing a terrible hangover.  That’s when she announced to me that she had tried drugs for the first time the night before.  I thought to myself, “ah, how cute, she smoked a joint for her first time.”  That’s when she leans over to her “friend” from last night and asks, “what was it I had?”  My jaw about hit the floor when I heard him say, “cocaine and MDMA.”  Seriously?  You’ve never tried drugs in your life and you go for that heavy shit?  What the fuck is wrong with you??

Know what the really fucked up part was (as if that wasn’t fucked up enough), she got the drugs from complete strangers.

Um, really?  You took drugs from strangers?  Are you kidding me right now?  Second, you’re now telling a complete stranger (me) about this?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  It was at that moment that I realized that she was a complete fucking idiot.  Yes, I somewhat suspected it when she introduced me to her Aussie friend who had beautiful blue-green eyes and smelled like last night’s whiskey.  And maybe my suspicious were heightened when she told me that they’d only slept an hour because they’d been out partying last night.  But who am I to judge (other than the world’s judge-iest of judgers)?  Young people today like to party.  He was 24, she apparently had just turned 30.  There’s a big fucking difference between 40 and 30 – and that lifestyle is just not for me.

So there she is telling me about her experience with drugs while I’m thinking “when can I leave.”  When the dude went off to the bathroom she then announces to me that they made out the night before, they ended up naked together, and he had wanted to go down on her but she kept telling him no.  You see, she had zero desire in hooking up with him, and had her period.  But did she tell him?  Nope.  She just went ahead and kept making out with him.  Whatever.  Then she said, “it’s not like I even flirt with him, I don’t know why he thinks I’d hook up with him.”

Um, really?  Maybe he thinks that because you took drug with strangers, took your clothes off and rubbed your buddy all over his, and then kept your hand on his thigh the entire time we were at lunch.  I’m thinking that sends a pretty strong signal.

Instead of coming up with a really creative excuse, like I had just developed the bubonic plague or I had to get home in time to feed my pet koala, I agreed to drinks at a few rooftop bars.  Why?  Why did I agree to this?  Mainly because I’m part idiot on my dad’s side.  So off we go to a few bars, and at the second one she strikes up a conversation with a few dudes.  Hot.  These dudes were hot.  Let me remind you that she hasn’t showered, probably is coated in the semen of the guy who we were with, and has only slept an hour.  Know what ends up happening?  We all end up at a table together.

About an hour in I ditched them to come home and hang out in my apartment, detox from her skankiness, and shower off the dirty.  Later that night she messages me that she made out with a guy that she met that afternoon in front of the dude she hooked up with last night.

No fucking wonder that everyone in the world thinks American girls are stupid sluts.

Fat is as Fat Does

26 Jan

I’m a whale.  I’m a hippo.  I’m a pig.  I’m a whale.  These are the things going through my head as I stand in front of the mirror wondering where on earth these cankles came from.

First official day in Australia, it’s perfect summer weather, and all I see is pasty white blubber.  These next six months are going to be AMAZING!

I have a friend of a friend in town who I’m supposed to meet up with today.  Have never met her, we’ve just exchanged a few emails, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.  When I first agreed to meet up with her, I immediately sent her a facebook friend request and started stalking her.  I was hoping for someone who wasn’t model hot so I wouldn’t feel like such a fast ass.  Just a normal looking girl, though definitely fitter than I am.

We’ve decided on going down to St. Kilda, down on the water.  “Swim suits?” she asked.  Flash of me standing on the beach blinding everyone with my fat thighs.  Lied that I left my suit at home.

“Should we run or power walk?  Should I wear gym clothes? “she asks.  First of all HA!  Second of all HAHA!  Me?  Power walk or run??  Is there a zombie apocolaypse?  Because if there isn’t, I’m not doing it.  Oh, and also, its upward of 90 degrees today, I’ll sweat just from breathing – my heart would stop if I ran.  My response? “Haha. Yeah, no. I’m the biggest slacker EVER. For reals. Go casual.”

Know whats’ funny?  To get rid of the whale/hippo/pig/whale thing, I should run or power walk.  Maybe I’ll just have a cookie to take my mind off of this.

The allure of Mexican Food

14 Jan

We Mexicans are known for many things, primarily our incredible ability to:

  • clean hotel rooms
  • take care of the homes of white people
  • sell drugs
  • landscape
  • pick strawberries
  • do the jobs “the man” thinks he’s too good for

Perhaps the most important thing though, is our ability to make some delicious food.  Food so delicious that you find yourself taking far too many bites and leaving the table cursing the people of my country for tempting you with such amazing flavors.  Come on, you know I’m right here.  When was the last time you were eating some chips and guac and thought, “I’ve had too many,” before polishing off the entire basket of chips and agreeing when the waiter says, “do you want more chips?”  We’ve all been there.

Frankly, it’s amazing that Mexicans aren’t fatter.  Sure, we’re working our way up the obesity ladder, but we blame that shit on fast food McDonald’s style.  Trust me – eating 4 tacos at lunch will not do the same thing to your hips as eating a Big Mac, large fries, and a coke.  Plus a bowl full of salsa is certainly not as bad for you as an entire bowl of cheese dip.  Now when we get to nachos and burrito bowls, that’s a different story.  Then again, nachos and burrito bowls are actually American inventions. This may come as a shock to you, but Taco Bell is not authentic Mexican food – there is no such thing as the chimichanga in Mexico.  Nor Mexican pizza.  That shit is…well…just that, shit.

I speak from experience here.

Of Fog and Bacon

11 Jan

Apparently we’re going through some strange ass weather patterns right now.  The fog that has settled over the town looks like something out of a Stephen King novel.  I’m waiting for Jack Nicholson to jump out at me or little Danny Torrance to start wagging his finger at me while yelling, “REDRUM!”  What the fuck, Mother Nature?  For reals.

Also, I want bacon.

And I put on one too many spritzes of perfume this morning and I’m giving myself a headache. On the bright side, if I get lost in the fog then people will be able to hunt for me just by smelling for the rose perfume I’m currently drowning in.  Though I guess if it’s the zombie apocalypse then I’m going to die because the zombies are going to be able to find me much sooner.

I’m not dead yet

10 Jan

Bet you thought I was gone forever, didn’t you?  Not quite – more of a hiatus.  You see, it’s weird how a personal photo of yours can end up on social media somewhere and anyone of your friends who knows you in real life but not on the interwebs could very easily make a connection that you’ve got this secret little writing gig.  So perhaps a self imposed holiday from the blogosphere is best.  But it’s been long enough and I have returned for random ramblings!

I could tell you that I have a serious beau and we’re getting ready to move in.  That he’s an absolute dreamboat and everything I ever dreamed of.  Or that maybe one night in a drunken stupor I called 3D and we knocked boots until dawn.  Or maybe that some failed judgement led to a night of debauchery with a coworker.  I could tell you all of those things, but they’d be down right lies.

But here’s what I can tell you that is not a lie: I’m leaving on a jet plane to Australia in two weeks.  In two weeks for six months.  That’s right, friends, I’m taking my shenanigans on the road and planning on making out with at least one Aussie with a dreamy accent.  Actually, I already have an eye on someone.  It just so happens that I have this coworker who is hotter than fuck and the heavens have aligned to make it so he and I will be sitting right next to one another.

Blond.  Blue eyes.  Accent.  Hot bod.  Why can’t he just be mine?

We’ll see what happens…

I’m Not Buying What You’re Selling

2 Sep

Those of us in the workforce will inevitably encounter one: a shitty boss.  The tyrant, the cry baby, the slacker, the micro manager, the barracuda, the sexist pig, the list is endless.  When I was at Investments r Us there was one particular boss who most everyone hated – she was, to put it nicely, a phony bitch.  The type of person who wouldn’t help you, had no idea what she was doing, and enjoyed spending time bragging about things that weren’t that exciting.  There weren’t many tears when she decided to leave to open up her own business selling skin care products.  Good bye, good luck, good riddance.

She left in the years before Facebook started up, and when I saw she’d sent me an invitation, I had one of “those” moments.  Most of us have been through it: that weird moment where we get a Facebook friend invite and than have the internal battle of whether or not to accept.  It’s that whole, “I don’t really like them, but I feel obligated because she’s family/my boss/my neighbor/psychotic and might kill me if I don’t accept/will judge me/will spread rumors/a stranger.”  After a day of hemming and hawing over it, I accepted.  My bad, total mistake.

These days she spends her time posting motivational quotes, pictures of only one of her two boys, or trying to get people to buy the shit that she’s selling.  Even on Facebook she comes across as a total phony.

And now, let me bore you with the stupid shit she posts…

  • FB Challenge: Alright… I’ve been using this NEW product by [insert company here] for 14 days and all I can say is it works like a eraser. It erases the signs of aging and damage that showed on may face as a result years of sun damage from being a lifeguard and acne scaring from hormone treatments. As a result of using this product my skin looks noticeably different.
  • “Don’t deny yourself the joy of your dreams. Don’t doubt yourself or your ability to do what you are doing to reach your goals. Don’t beat up on yourself for what may seem like a mistake or a waste of time. Keep on believing it was necessary for you to walk that path and to learn those lessons.” — Iyanla Vanzant
  • I buy it because its made with organic grade ingredients. I use it because it works, it Calms and hydrates my sensitive skin. I throw it away, when its used up. Then I buy it again. Consumable, green, results oriented products!!
  • Where do you see yourself in 5 years, if you keep doing what you are doing today? Are you financially secure? Are you living your life by your design? Are you confident and going for your goals? Is your children’s education paid for? If something unforeseen were to happen to your main source of income, how long could you survive? Maybe, just maybe it’s time to explore some options. Many people build a second stream of residual income with [insert company name] along side of their full time job. Call it your “just in case” fund! Regardless, what does it hurt to explore? Join us this Thursday to take a look. Don’t knee jerk (like I did!) and say “NO I could never do that”.. believe me, you don’t know enough yet…

Ugh.  Unsubscribe from posts.

God Save the Queen, 2013

26 Aug

Like many couples, Oingo Boing and Jersey Belle (whose name I may change to Ginger Belle because I love targeting all my ginger jokes at her) do this awesome thing every single night when they go to bed.  No, not each other.  Rather, they have a lovely custom of saying a lovely string of things to one another.  There’s a really lovely bit in there about their love for all things British and our upcoming trip to the UK – where we’ll proceed to sight see, eat our faces off, drink too much, and someone (probably me) will end up vomiting.

God Save the Queen, 2013

Skinny England

Half price.

Skinny England.  It’s the reminder that we are less than thin by UK standards.  Let me in on a little something – this I know from personal experience – if you’re a size 14 in the US, you’re a size 16 in the UK.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a size 16 in a sea of size 6′s?  Not awesome.  And know what else?  Somehow, every single time I go to the UK, I try to remind myself that I need to drop at least 15 pounds and I end up gaining 10 just before I go.  My muffin top digs traveling.

In preparation all my travels later I’ve vowed to drop at least one pant size – seeing as how I’ll probably go up 2 when I start binging while I’m overseas.  For the last few Monday’s I’ve woken up and said, “Today’s the day.  Skinny England is on!”  Take today for example.  Packed my breakfast and lunch and vowed I’d eat a good dinner when I got home.

  • Fish tacos – good
  • Fruit – good
  • Bagel with cream cheese that I took over the granola bar I’d packed – bad
  • Ham and cheese sandwich on whole grain bread – not too bad, except for the fact that I buttered the bread
  • Potato chips – really?  What the hell is wrong with me…
  • Banana – good
  • Coffee with non fat milk – OK
  • Coffee with cream and 4 sugars – seriously?
  • Handful of M&M’s – I just can’t
  • Three MASSIVE chocolate cookies – I give up

So, instead of just starting all over tomorrow, I’ll just go ahead and say this week is shot and go ahead and gain the two pounds I’m destined to gain this week.  Tomorrow?  Margaritas!!  And probably some pie.

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