Catherinette: Risk Taker

Fuck jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or off a bridge.  Forget being set up on a blind date or driving without a seat belt.  I’m doing something that would make my mamacita proud.  In fact, I think she’ll cry when I tell her about it later today.

What’s the big risk I’m taking?  I’m eating peanut butter that expired 6 months ago.  That’s right!  I’m living on the fucking edge!!  I’m staring food poisoning right in the face and saying, “Fuck you, food poisoning.  Fuck you in your stupid ass.”

There’s nothing wrong with the peanut butter, it’s fine.  In fact, I had some yesterday too and I didn’t get sick.  I’m not scared of a stupid little expiration date.  It’s not like it’s dairy products or condoms.

Speaking of condoms, I threw out 8 perfectly good ones yesterday morning.  I should have known when I bought them that it would all go to shit and they’d end up in the garbage.  You see, fine readers, condoms and I have a tumultuous relationship.  I buy a 3 pack and things go grand.  The second I buy a 12 pack everything goes up in flames and 9 end up in my bedside drawer mocking me for years. 

I know that some of you are immediately rushing off to check the peen counter.  Well, don’t get too excited.  I bought those condoms back in 2008.  Yeah, that’s a long time ago.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to this expired peanut butter.

Sometimes Winning Isn’t so Good

The last few days have been pretty shitty.  My new dog, that I had for exactly 71 days, had to be put down last week.  It was very rough, and very unexpected.  He was a sweet boy but was very sick.  By the time I got him, he didn’t have a fighting chance.  As you can imagine, I’ve been spending a lot of time moping and crying off all my make up.  In the last day or so, I’ve started to get back towards my normal self.

Yesterday afternoon I walked out with Disney as I do on most days.   We decided to play this wonderful little game where we attempt to one up one another.

• Catherinette: My dog is dead.
• Disney: So is mine.
• Catherinette: Well I have two dogs that are dead.
• Disney: My mother is dead.
• Catherinette: My dreams of a future with a husband and children are dead.
• Disney: You win.

Not so Foxy

In this day and age you have to wonder why on God’s green earth people still get mullets.  What the hell kind of salon are these people going to where their hairdresser says, “You know what would look great on you?  A mullet!”  Why?  WHY??

There’s a woman here that has to be in her late 40’s and has been rocking the fem-mullet as long as I have known her.  You can tell she takes pride in it because she also curls her bans into a tight little curl AND covers the whole thing with hairspray.  It looks crispy to the touch.  Almost like a hair helmet.  Or hair hel-mullet.

How is it possible that after so many years the person that does her hair doesn’t tell her it’s time to get with the program, throw out her Nascar t-shirt, and get a new ‘do? I  just don’t get it.

You know who else sports a mullet?  Jorja Fox (Sarah Sidle)of CSI.  She has to be one of the ugliest women on TV.  With that big fucking gap between her teeth and her hair circa 1983 it’s clear that her stylist either hates her, or is blinder than Ray Charles.  As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that the real reason that William Peterson (Gil Grissom) left the show was that he needed intense therapy to treat all the trauma from having to look at that hair for so many years.

Jorja, it’s time to make a little effort and fix your god damned hair.  Oh, and learn how to spell your god damned name.  Jorja is a made up spelling for Georgia.

Whore.

 

Random Thought of the Day

My office smells like meatballs.

That is all.

Do It for the Kiddies

A girlfriend of mine is doing something bold.  Something that I would never ever in a million years do.  She and several of her friends are pulling a Britney Spears and shaving their heads.  Granted, they’re not doing it because they’re mentally unstable, they’re actually doing it for a cause.

They’re shaving their locks to help fight Leukemia.  It’s a fund raising event.

You know you want to contribute to a good cause.  $1?  Super!  $5?  Even better!  $10?  Now you’re talking.

You can go without a venti soy latte for a week, can’t you?  Just think of the kids…

Click here to donate: http://my.imisfriendraising.com.au/personalPage.aspx?SID=113607

When Did I Get Hired at Geek Squad?

My mother is technologically retarded.  It took us two years to teach her how to use email, and three months for her to learn how to use Skype.  Half the time I wonder if she’s just not trying because she likes harassing my sister and me, or if she’s really that dense.

Anytime she has a problem with her computer or her iPhone she immediately calls me.  She then proceeds to get pissed off when I can’t help her.  She doesn’t seem to understand that I need to see the computer and fool around with it before I can figure out what the hell is wrong with it.

I have encouraged her to play around with her macbook to get familiar with it. I should have known better.  The other day she changed her screen resolution and she can’t figure out how to fix it.  Another time she turned off her wifi and it took me 20 minutes to walk her through the steps of going to the wireless router, looking for the PIN, and turning it back on.  Every time one of these phone calls comes in I immediately want to bang my head on my desk until I bleed.

This morning she called me at work because her printer was jacked up:

• Mom: The printer isn’t working.
• Catherinette: Um…okay.
• Mom: Can you fix it?
• Catherinette: What’s it doing?
• Mom: When I try to print something only a white piece of paper comes out.
• Catherinette: Um…I don’t know why it’s doing that.
• Mom: Why is there no ink?  There’s ink in the printer.
• Catherinette: I don’t know.  I’d have to look at the printer.
• Mom: [getting angry] Can’t you just tell me what to look at?
• Catherinette: Mom, I don’t know without looking at the printer why it’s not working.
• Mom: What could it be?
• Catherinette: It could be any number of things.  The cartridge is in wrong, the cables are jacked, the default isn’t set up, there’s something wrong with the document.  Do you want me to go on?
• Mom: I don’t care for your attitude.
• Catherinette: Mom, I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to tell you.  I have to look at the computer and the printer to figure it out.
• Mom: Can you come over?
• Catherinette: Now?
• Mom: Yes.  I need to print this out today.
• Catherinette: No, mom.  I’m at work.  I can’t come over now.
• Mom: [angry] FINE! I’ll just figure it out myself.  You always help your friends but you can’t help your own mother.
• Catherinette: Mom, I’m sorry, I just don’t know enough about your printer to tell you how to fix it.
• Mom: Whatever.
• Catherinette:  Why are you angry with me?
• Mom: Because of your attitude.

 $50 says she hung up with me and immediately called my sister.

You Are A Disgusting Pig and You Should Be Punished

I’m a geek at heart.  I listen to NPR, I have a mad crush on Ira Glass, and sometimes for kicks I watch Nova.  The one thing I won’t do is listen to Car Talk.  Those guys are annoying as sin and the only people that like them are the same ones that like to lecture people about the difference between the original Star Trek and The Next Generation.  (That’s right, Foxy, that was a total dig on you.)

Another geeky habit I have is listening to audio books on car trip.  No, I don’t listen to stupid self help books or anything that Oprah has on her reading list.  I prefer to listen to a good mystery.  It makes the time go by so much faster.

As luck would have it, I’m going to be trapped in my car for about four to five hours tomorrow.  Why?  It doesn’t matter, trust me, you don’t care.  What you do care about is the disgusting pig that was at the library this afternoon when I went to pick up my audio book.  Yes, I go to the library – another thing that makes me a geek.

There I was, minding my own business while perusing the shelves for just the right audio book when my innocent ears were assaulted by a disgusting pig.  This guy had to be in his mid 40’s and could easily stand to fast for at least two weeks.  He was either waiting for a computer to become available, or he was resting because the act of looking for a book was too exhausting for him (lazy pig).  He was sitting ten feet away, quietly sweating in his chair, when all of a sudden he burped.

Wait, let me rephrase that, it wasn’t a burp, it was a belch.  A BELCH!  A loud belch that shook the floor.  For a second I thought that we were about to face the same type of natural disaster recently experienced in Haiti and Chile.  His belch was so loud that it shook the floor.  “Disgusting,” I said out loud.  In response, he belched louder.  I quickly moved away for fear that he might do it again and that he might throw up on him.  A normal person doesn’t burp like that.  This one sounded like something was going to burst forth from his body: like a fucking dragon or the Grim Reaper himself.

You know the worst part?  Even though I had moved further away, I could actually smell the burp.  That, my friends, is fucking nasty.

Boner is Dead

Tragic news: Boner was found dead today in a park in Vancouver.  Why did he have to kill all my fun Boner jokes?

Maybe we can get Woody Harrelson to disappear for a few days so we can continue the wiener jokes.  Or perhaps Dick Cheney and/or Peter Gallagher can go off into hiding.

Damn it, Boner.  Damn you.

May you rest in peace.

Which is different from resting in piece.  This is only funny if I tell you that 3D used to refer to his junk as “Piece”.  Why?  I do not know.  But we had all sorts of funny jokes about his junk.  For example, he was all about offering “piece to all mankind”.  Sometimes, I would say, “Piece be with you.”  Or we would talk about POTUS (Piece of the United States).

Stupid.