The World’s Worst Baker

The holidays are about putting on as much weight as possible and blaming it all on the sugary delights that are available this time of year.  I have a weakness for anything that is candy cane flavored.  Last week I managed to eat a half a box of Trader Joe’s Candy Cane Joe-Joe’s in a span of about 37 seconds.  Those were the happiest 37 seconds of my life, even beating out the backseat adventures with Pistols at Dawn.

You can imagine my delight when I went down to the cafeteria this afternoon and saw a homemade “Chocolate Candy Cane Cookie”.  Picture this, 2 big chocolate cookies with a ton of candy cane frosting in-between.

Here’s the problem, there’s nothing in this cookie that tastes like candy canes or chocolate.  Instead, it just tastes like brown butter cookies with butter frosting that has flecks of candy cane all over it. 

Damn you, baker in the cafeteria.  You have fooled me!  You’re like all of those guys that I date that look good on the outside but then turn out to be something entirely different on the inside.  I just want a candy cane flavored dude and end up having to talk about my feelings with someone that’s emotionally retarded.

FAIL!

Start Spreading the News

(and by “news” I do not mean “your legs”)

I’m taking after Frank Sinatra and I’m leaving today.  I want to be a part of it, New York, New York.

That’s right, fine people, yours truly is heading up to NYC on Tuesday.  Forget Christmas shopping at Macy’s or seeing the stupid Rockettes.  No, I’m not going to be checking out ground zero or getting on the stupid bull on Wall Street.  You can also forget any visits to Magnolia Bakery or Carnegie Deli.

I have more important things to do.

Why? you ask.  Because I’m going to go see The Daily Show with Boom Boom and Depeche Mode.  Plus I plan on ogling all the hot men in their suits who are busy making money and totally ignoring me.  It’s going to be awesome!

You know the best part of this whole thing?  I’m heading up to Philly tonight to have a slumber party at Boom Boom’s house AND I’m taking sugar cookies for her kid even though she told me not to.  That’s just the type of wonderful house guest that I am. 

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Friday is the New Black

It’s the first time in 8 years that I’ve decided to work after Thanksgiving.  Still can’t quite remember why on earth I agreed to this.  The office is empty – with the exception of the one micro manager in the office that will watch our every move.  What a whore.

I have a lot to do today.  For example, at 10:00 I’ll be having a “meeting” in one of our “conference rooms”.  This is a very important meeting that we’ve had planned for about a month.  We’ll work on “team building” and “perception” and “leveraging” and “strategizing” and “other stupid nonsense.”  My coworker and I are sneaking out, heading to Starbucks, and downloading music together.  That should take roughly 2 hours. 

Man do I love getting paid for phoning it in.

Political Intercourse – I Mean Discourse

Claude and I like to speak in code from time to time.  Back when he used to email me at my Investments r Us email account we would code any reference to sex as “debating.”  During the debate, each person makes their “point”, and sometimes, your debate partner might like for you to make your point more than once. 

3D was one partner who would make multiple arguments in the same night.  Yeah, I know that he was bat shit crazy, but he made some really interesting points.

But I digress, for some reason, we still like to speak in code even though we now email off of our private accounts.  Today we’ve been emailing one another about what happens when other people like to see their partner “review their notes.”

• CS: You are a dirty man hooker.  Don’t hide who you really are.  Accept yourself.
• Claude: No Claude.  It was a very good discourse though.  After the first round of arguments, he was “reviewing his notes” in front of me.  Doing that reminded me of some other points I had to make and less than five minutes later we were in heated debate all over again.  It was magical.
• CS: I never understood why people liked to review their notes in front of others or wanted to observe me review my own notes.  I just don’t get the allure to that.
• Claude: Well since I had just brought the debate to a close, he wanted to get in one final point so it was just easier for him to review his notes than opening up a whole new debate.  Even though that’s what happened anyway.
• CS: He can review his notes at home.  I don’t care to watch people review their notes, I find it to be disturbing and it makes me want to never debate with them again.  Not ever.  Mr. Big X used to love that.  Blech.  Vomiting in my own mouth.
• Claude: Lol, oh Claude.  Maybe it is different in your muggle world, but in the magical kingdom, it is usually considered polite to make sure they review their notes when all is said and done.  It can be rude to leave a debate with arguments still hanging in the air.  And for wizards, you don’t always have everyone make their points at the same time in the debate. 
• CS: In the muggle world, we also believe that everyone should make sure that their point is made.  However, there are some people that want to watch your review your notes before the debate begins.  They believe that seeing your “thought process” will make their point more lively.
• Claude: Hmmm, ok, that is a bit odd.  The reviewing of notes is less about seeing their thought process than a necessary part of the point-making process.
• CS: Yes, well, in the non-magical world, the dudes like to watch you touch your own notes.  So to speak.
• Claude: Interesting.  I mean, I definitely have watched someone stir their honeypot for a minute or two, but usually only as prep for full-on debate.  And honestly after a minute or two of watching the prep, I’m all ready to jump right into the debate and am done with prep time.
• CS: Watching someone else with their notes literally does nothing for me.  I’m sure there’s something more interesting to watch.  The whole point of being there is to make some arguments, not to review notes.  You should be prepared when you get there.  And if you’re not, then I can review your notes for you.

Just the Tip Tuesday

You know who I would like to have the sex with?  Ben Barnes:

I know what you’re thinking: he looks familiar AND he looks like he wants to do me.  Right?  Right!  I can tell you that he totally wants to do me – even if he doesn’t know it yet – and I can also tell you where you’ve seen him before.  Ben Barnes is the young (and yet legal) hotty who plays Prince Caspian in those Chronicles of Narnia films.

What?  You’re shocked that I have the hots for some dude from a kids’ movie?  How can you be shocked, the dude is hot.  And at least I’m not one of those gaywads that reads the stupid Twilight books and wants to do it with Robert Pattinson who doesn’t bother to fucking shower because he’s too high on himself to bother.  He sucks.

I will also tell you that Ben was in a very grown up movie called “Dorian Gray”, based, of course, on the book.  Talk about debauchery!  There are drugs, straight sex, gay sex, threesomes.  Yet, sadly, there were no shots of his manbits.  Tragic, I know.

Putting the Pee in Happy

I have to pee so freaking badly and the bathroom closest to my desk is closed for cleaning.  DAMN IT!  Do these people not know that my bladder has needs? 

Yeah, yeah, I know I could walk down the hall or go upstairs to pee, but then something terrible might happen.  People will see me walking into their bathroom and assume I have to poop because I’m not using the bathroom closest to my desk.  Then the rumors will start and everyone will think that I poop at work! 

That’s horrible!  I’d rather have people say that I date trainees and blow people in my cubicle.  At least that’s true.

I seriously am about to pee in my pants.  Maybe soon I’ll be known as the girl who peed in her pants on her birthday.

Happy Birthday to Me!

You know what I love more than anything else in this world (with the possible exception of peen)?  My birthday!  And guess what?  It just happens to be my birthday TODAY!  That’s right!  Yay for me!

I never understood those people who didn’t care for their birthdays and getting older.  Just don’t get it.  I’m one of those annoying people who will give countdowns of shopping days until my birthday and then when the day comes, I’ll inform everyone that it’s my birthday. 

I’ve had friends that got all upset because their friends/family forgot their birthdays.  That will never in a million year happen to me.  If someone claims to have forgotten my birthday, I know they will be lying through their teeth because it’s impossible. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and make some major announcements about my birthdays to my coworkers.

Oh, and I’m 36 by the way.  I’m not like my sister who has been turning 17 for the last 17 years.  The best was on her 30th birthday when I had “17 + 13″ written on her cake.  She was not amused.